Urgent: please check this Graduate school essay for grammital errors

Hi All,

I am sorry for this urgent post. I am applying for a b-school called FMS and I need to submit the application by tomorrow evening. They have asked for an essay: what are your career goals and how FMS can help in achieving those goals.

I request you to please go through the following SOP and check the grammatical and sentence construction mistakes. Actually, the word count limit for this SOP is 150 words but, I am not able to reduce this word count from 300 in my SOP.

Thank you for your consideration.

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My career goal is to contribute my skills and ideas in creating an equitable and strife free society as a social entrepreneur. After graduating from a reputed engineering college, apart from working as an IT Support Executive, I have worked for social welfare organizations and engaged in a family business (micro finance) which gave me an exposure to Socio-Economic issues.

India has been facing several economic and social issues like poverty, corruption, religious and caste disputes which are obstacles to economic development and social harmony. There are many causes for these Socio-Economic issues. To put it in simple words, these Socio-Economic issues are primarily the consequence of how the society and economy are organized in a country. To resolve complex social issues, we need to understand how the “primitive instincts” of individual humans like fear, hatred, greed and delusion which lead to conflict, violence, and suffering. Education, Psycho analysis coupled with mass media can be used as tools to transform the individual and so the society. Edward Bernays, one of the most influential and controversial man of the 20th century is the best example in using these Psycho analysis techniques in the fields of Commerce and Public Relations in America.

My goal is to start a “profitable social venture (to sustain financially)” focused on education and mass media for social transformation. To shape a great idea into reality and to sustain in today’s saturated market with a vision for social transformation; it requires diverse range of skills and intimate knowledge of business. An MBA degree from a prominent college like FMS will definitely equip me with the required knowledge and sharpen my skills to become a successful entrepreneur. I believe that my strong determination and my skills that will be streamlined by FMS will definitely help me in achieving my goal.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bspkumar

My career goal is to contribute my skills and ideas in creating an equitable and strife free society as a social entrepreneur. After graduating from a reputed engineering college, apart from working as an IT Support Executive, I have worked for social welfare organizations and engaged in a family business (micro finance) which gave me an exposure to Socio-Economic issues.

India has been facing several economic and social issues like poverty, corruption, religious and caste disputes which are obstacles to economic development and social harmony. There are many causes for these Socio-Economic issues. To put it in simple words, these Socio-Economic issues like poverty, corruption, religious and caste disputes are primarily the consequence of how the society and economy are organized in a country. To resolve complex social issues, we need to understand how the “primitive instincts” of individual humans like fear, hatred, greed and delusion which lead to conflict, violence, and suffering. Education, Psycho analysis coupled with mass media can be used as tools to transform the individual and so the society. Edward Bernays, one of the most influential and controversial man of the 20th century is the best example in using these Psycho analysis techniques in the fields of Commerce and Public Relations in America.
My goal is to start a “profitable social venture (to sustain financially)” focused on education and mass media for social transformation. To shape a great idea into reality and to sustain in today’s saturated market with a vision for social transformation; it requires diverse range of skills and intimate knowledge of business. An MBA degree from a prominent college like FMS will definitely equip me with the required knowledge and sharpen my skills to become a successful entrepreneur. I believe that my strong determination and my skills that will be streamlined by FMS will definitely help me in achieving my goal.

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That's probably close to 150 words. You've said a lot of things twice. If you're applying for an MBA, you can probably leave out most of the references to psychology and psychoanalysis(?).
They really don't want students who can't keep to a word limit.

Thank you for the reply Raymott.

I have edited the SOP just before checking your reply. I felt the same, I have removed the redundant words and avoided the scientific terms like psycho analysis...etc.