If you could change one thing...

[vvaann]

Dear all,

I visited this forum a long time ago. The only thing I remember about this forum is that there were many helpful people around who were ready to correct my essays. I remember a nick named RonBee, who helped me edit my Statement of Purpose which was important for my university acceptance. I was very lucky then, being helped a lot.

Maybe, there are still many such good people here now. Maybe, they will correct my essay again...

The essay topic is simple. I hope to see your corrections...

Topic: If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

If I was in position to make a big change to my city, I would definitely build up a new and efficient public transportation system. A convenient public transportation system will help my city’s residents avoid wasting time on traffic congestion and save travelling cost.

One of the biggest problems of my city is the traffic congestion. That problem is resulted from a poor-quality public transportation system which fails to provide people with good means of travel. In fact almost every person in my city has to own at least a motorbike or a car in order to reach certain areas of the city, posing a huge amount of traffic on the streets and, hence, congestion. Things would be better if those people are provided with a seamless network of under-ground trains or buses which enable them to go anywhere within the city without bring their motorbikes cars to the streets.

The second benefit can be brought to the city’s residents by an efficient public transportatoin system is about financial. My city is not a big one and the living standards have not been so high that every person can afford either a motorbike or a car. Therefore, life would be much easier for them if we could take those kinds of burden off their shoulders, providing them with cheap and convienient means of transportation.

In conclusion, when talking about a change to my city, the first thing comes into my mind is the pubic transportation system. A good public transport system can make the city a better place to live, removing annoying traffic jams. In addition, the system will give the residents of the city an easier financial life.

[Tdol]

Hi,

A convenient public transportation system will - you've moved from 'would' to 'will'. I'd keep it as 'would' here because it is imaginary.
That problem is resulted- This problem stems from..
provide people with good means of travel- provide people with a good way of getting around
posing a huge amount of traffic on the streets- putting...
Things would be better if those people are provided- were provided
under-ground- underground
which enable them- which enabled them
without bring- bringing
motorbikes cars - motorbikes and/or cars
living standards have not been so high- living standards are so high
with cheap and convienient means of transportation- with cheap and convienient transportation
is the pubic transportation system- is the public transportation system
the system will give the- would

[vvaann]

Thanks very much for your prompt reply, tdol.

BTW, I have a small question. You removed the use of "means of travel" and "means of transportation", what was the problem with these phrases?

Thanks,
vvaann

[Tdol]

The phrase is used a few times, so it avoided repetition.