IELTS essay - Please evaluate and score

[maddy1]

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with
other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes
the government has to pay for this care.
Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples
from your experience.


Aging is a natural phenomenon, every individual born on this earth will have to pass through this period. And we all know that old people needs a equal amount of care and attention as a baby needs. Aged people often live with various health problems like, Alzheimer’s, increased blood pressure, weak bones, decreased vision and depression to name a few; these problems necessitates for specialized and quality care. But the big question is who will take responsibility for the care the government or the family.
This eassy will argue that family will be responsible for old age care.
First important argument is that we should not forget that aged people financially and morally contributed the family in their active age. Their children/family have gained various things form then like financial security, moral values, confidence to face the world, honesty, wisdom etc. More over they also have made us to think on our own. So what we have done to these elders who have contributed so much for the family.
Second important reason is the idea of old age care is a cycle, what goes around comes around. If we fail to fulfill our moral responsibility now, we might me facing the same neglect from our loved ones when we are old and lost our ability to live on our own
In conclusion, the family should take utmost responsibility to pay them back by financially contributing to their care if not morally. In this way we are not only keeping them happy and satisfied but also teaching our young ones some good moral values.

[maddy1]

Can anyone mark my above IELTS essay? Please iam going for the exam in 2 weeks time.

[birdeen's call]

Aging is a natural phenomenon, every individual born on this earth will have to pass through this period.

This isn't true... Many people never get old, which is very sad.

[Raymott]

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with
other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes
the government has to pay for this care.
Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples
from your experience.


Aging is a natural phenomenon; every individual born on this earth will have to pass through this period.
Don't join two sentences with a comma. You'll lose points.

And we all know that old people needs a equal amount of care and attention as a baby needs. Aged people often live with various health problems like Alzheimer’s, increased blood pressure, weak bones, decreased vision and depression, to name a few. These problems necessitates for specialized and quality care. But the big question is who will take responsibility for the care: the government or the family.
This eassy will argue that family will should be responsible for old age care.
The first important argument is that we should not forget that aged people financially and morally contributed the family in their active age. [Maybe they did] Their children/family have gained various things form then like financial security, moral values, confidence to face the world, honesty, wisdom etc. [Even more speculative, I'd say] Moreover they also have made taught us to think on our own. [Again, you are making wild generalisations here. This might be what an ideal family is like] So what we have done to these elders who have contributed so much for the family?
I think the argument is what should we do, not what have we done.

The second important reason is the idea of old age care as a cycle: what goes around comes around. If we fail to fulfill our moral responsibility now, we might be facing the same neglect from our loved ones when we are old and have lost our ability to live on our own.
[By the same argument, if the parents were abusive or not very caring, can they expect their children to look after them in their old age? What goes around comes around. Your whole argument is based on the old people deserving care from their children. No doubt, this usually happens. But you've given no argument for the large minority of cases where the parents can't reasonably expect this from a moral standpoint, if you are just considering paying back the care the children got.]

In conclusion, the family should take utmost responsibility to pay them back by financially contributing to their care, if not morally.
[You're almost getting to the point I'm making. In a system where the family takes care of the parents, it's also a moral obligation to society (not necessarily just to their parents) not to burden society with one's aging parents.]
In this way we are not only keeping them happy and satisfied but also teaching our young ones some good moral values.

You need to be more careful with subject-verb agreement. The bits in red, you can correct yourself.
It's good that you've taken a stance and made your point of view clear, but you've spent your whole essay on one argument - a moral responsibility of child to parent. I think you could have included brief mentions of other points, either to affirm or deny them.

[maddy1]

Thanks Raymott!

Really useful suggestions. What band can i expect for my essay?

[Raymott]

Thanks Raymott!

Really useful suggestions. What band can i expect for my essay?

No idea, sorry. I don't mark IELTS, so I don't know their criteria.

[longlongnguyen]

please help me correct this one (just grammar and vocab), thanks very much.
The graph shows the number of visitors who came to two exhibition which were about Modern Sculpture (MS) and 20th Century Emphemera (2CE)
As can be seen from the chart, the number of visitors to 2CE was overall experienced more fluctuation than the other did. At the beginning of the year, the MS, after a quite impressive start at 100000 people, witnessed a sharp drop in numbers to about 20000, where the quantity stayed stable for the next three months. Meanwhile, despite of the poor figure during January, the number of visitors to 2CE grown steadily by nearly 20000 per month until it reached 90000 in April. During May, the numbers at MS suddenly rocketed to around 150000, whereas the 2CE suffered a dramatic downfall. However, both exhibition reached the same level at about 80000 by next month. For the rest of the year, there was quite a difference in the trend of the number of visitors who came to the exhibitions. specifically, the MS enjoyed a steady rise in numbers till November and December at 150000, meanwhile the considerable bounce back in quantity at 2CE to 150000 in August did not last for long as it plummeted quickly and stopped at 45000 at the end of the year