Proofread MBA essay,: A recent event that seemed wrong to you ..

[bspkumar]

A recent event ( popular or personal ) that seemed wrong to you and how would you handle it in retrospect (300 words)

The recent event that seemed wrong to me was spending huge money (60,000 crores according to Business Today) for conducting Commonwealth Games 2010. How justifiable was spending such huge money by India which has half of its population facing acute poverty and lacks basic amenities? When asked the Indian government to justify about their decision on spending huge money, they reasoned that it would attract FDIs and it would show case New Delhi as a world class city.

If they had spent huge money really to promote the industry, why did the Commonwealth Games Village has poor living conditions, and why did the CWG officials accused of corruption? Main reason behind spending huge money was to make the sport event a money making venture. Many social activists reported that most of contracts to build the infrastructural facilities were awarded to those who have close relationships with the politicians and government officials.

According to Global Financial Integrity India ranks 1st in the world with $450 billion of black money which is more than double the India’s debt in 2009. The net worth of top 35 Indian billionaires is more than the 70 crores of poor people. According to WHO, India ranks 171 out of the 175 countries in the world in public health spending. It clearly shows how elitist is our society is. It may sound harsh, but we need accept the truth to find the root cause of India’s core issues and to solve them.

Many experts emphasize the need for economic and administrative reforms to solve the India’s issues, but India needs more of social transformation. In a society with high Socio-Economic inequalities, people always try to balance with or try to acquire more wealth than others, sometimes often violating the laws. Improving the civic sense can only solve these issues.

[Gillnetter]

A recent event ( popular or personal ) that seemed wrong to you and how would you handle it in retrospect (300 words)

The A recent event that seemed wrong to me was the spending of huge amounts of money (60,000 crores according to Business Today) for conducting the Commonwealth Games in 2010. How justifiable was spending such huge amounts of money by India which has half of its population facing acute poverty and lacks basic amenities? When asked the Indian government to justify about their decision on spending such huge amouns of money, they reasoned that it would attract FDIs (Define FDI) and it would showcase New Delhi as a world class city.

If they had spent such huge amounts of money really to promote the industry, why did the Commonwealth Games Village has have such poor living conditions, and why did was the CWG (Define CWG) officials accused of corruption? The main reason behind spending such huge amounts of money was to make the sport event a money making venture. Many social activists reported that most of contracts to build the infrastructural facilities were awarded to those who have close relationships with the politicians and government officials.

According to Global Financial Integrity India, ranks 1st in the world with $450 billion of black money (What is black money?) which is more than double the India’s debt in 2009. The net worth of the top 35 Indian billionaires is more than the 70 crores of poor people. According to WHO, India ranks 171 out of the 175 countries in the world in public health spending. It clearly shows how elitist is our society is. It may sound harsh, but we need accept the truth to find the root cause of India’s core issues and to solve them.

Many experts emphasize the need for economic and administrative reforms to solve the India’s issues, but India needs more of social transformation. In a society with high socio-economic inequalities, people always try to balance with, or try to acquire more wealth than others, sometimes often violating the laws. Improving the civic sense can only solve these issues.

You need to work on the proper placement of articles. Try to use different terms - huge money is overworked. You need a stronger final sentence.

[bspkumar]

Thank you for the replay,Gillnetter.

I know I am doing some silly mistakes while using articles. I took only half an hour to collect the data and to write the essay as I was busy with my work. Another silly mistake is, using 'often' beside 'sometimes'. Actually, I supposed to use 'even' instead of 'often'. Unfortunately, I have submitted this essay with all these mistakes to meet the deadline. I've submitted 10 essays in total. I ran out of time for the last three essays to proofread. ....anyway...thank you.

My target college is MICA( Mudra Institute of Communication). It is one of the best b-school for communication studies in Asia. It looks for a candidate with strong written communication skills. The entrance exam is on Feb 20th. I have 24 days to improve my w.comm skills.

Any suggestions.....appreciated.