Please have a critical look at my essay!
I have just begun the practice test for the SAT in order to spot my strengts and weaknesses. As far as I am concerned the written essay is corrected by a computer only, making the rating (12/12) not very reliable in my opinion. As of this it would be great if someone could have a look at my essay in order to help me improve my style of writting!
The task was to answer the following question:
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.
Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
In his book "The Genesis of Shame" J. David Velleman claims that people tend to hide their most private thoughts and feelings in order to pretend not to have those thoughts of feelings. Moreover they assert that honesty can only be achieved with the expression of every inclination and impulse. In the following this thesis is examined and commented on.
The assertion of J.David Velleman contains right arguments, yet it should be considered to be an extreme point of view. Nowadays people have a disposition to mistake honesty with openness. Consequently they are rather communicative concerning their private life. But does honesty really requires you to divulge even your most private feelings and thoughts? Honesty, in my opinion, basicly describes the characteristic not to lie. A business man who describes his inner thoughts during a meeting would not be considered as honest but as communicative. In many conversations your counterpart has no interest in listening to your private wishes and fears.
Furthermore can information be use to commit crime. If people in important positions talked about their privacy it would be very simple to blackmail. All the same with normal people, if the wrong information, such as photographies on facebook or a review about your last weekend fell into the wrong hands, such as your potential employer, your application might not be successful. On the other hand a politician who admits that he once consumed drugs would be seen as honest, but rather reckless. In fact honesty is not a value or quality which can be measured. It is rather a characteristic of human being which does not attract attention. Nobody can prove that a person is honest, but on the contrary it is easy to prove that you are not.
To draw a conclusion people, especially teenagers, should control their urge to account their private life to anyone who is willing to listen, just be it the internet or a friend. Rather they should pay attention about what they post on the internet or to whom they give private information. Everything you say, everything you write on the internet could be told against them, especially since information on the internet is not completely deletable.
Thank you in advance!
Last edited by cjackson; 09-Apr-2011 at 22:43.
Re: Please have a critical look at my essay!
I am not an English teacher, but I would be happy to make some comments on your essay. It is a good essay, but try to avoid saying "you" so much, try to use third person instead or at least be consistent from sentence to sentence.
Originally Posted by cjackson
By krishnau in forum Text Analysis and Statistics
Last Post: 15-Dec-2010, 12:00
By mailan in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 10-Nov-2008, 14:15
By jycrei in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 07-Aug-2007, 17:21
By albertino in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 14-Jul-2007, 09:34
By rebeccac in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 25-Feb-2007, 17:27
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO