Good afternoon guys!
Would you mind checking my story please?
Could you also tell me if it is adequate for the upper-intermediate level(FCE)?
This is a task: Write a love story that begin with the following sentence:
“It was only a small mistake but it changed my life forever.”
Write your story in 250-300 words.
It was only a small mistake but it changed my life forever. It is remarkable to notice how the events, that seem tiny and insignificant, may modify the whole existence of a man, as a wave that changes the ebb and flow of the sea or a drop of water that gives birth to a seed, turning it into a plant.
I was a businessman then. I used to take for granted all tthe things that weren't work.
On 15 November 1998 , I saw a lonely girl in a park, sitting on a bench and staring at the blossom of tulips.
She had huge greem irises and a delicate white skin with tiny pores. The blush of her cheeks showed out in her snowy complexion as a damask rose in a field of white liliums.
She seemed an Hamadryad, coming out of a great fir tree.
In the very moment her emerald eyes came into contact with my sight, I felt paralyzed, being unable to move, to think, to be.
That spell was broken by my sudden ringing tone. I answered and my boss told me I had forgotten to sign an important document.
I came back to my office, then I signed that piece of paper.
After finishing that phlegmatic work, I immediately rushed to the park, but the girl wasn't there anymore.
On the spur of the moment, I felt I had no choice except that waiting for her.
Every day I sit at the same bench, she had sit on that cursed day, and wait.
Waiting for her to come, waiting for the blossom of the tulips, waiting for the rebirth of the lost beauty of the town, which seemed to have vanished with her disappearance.
My eyes saw the auroral dawns, the crepuscolar twilights, the blood-red colour of the sunset, the vehemence of the rain but nothing of her astonishing beauty.
It's 50 years I've been waiting for her and now, as I lay dying, I feel sorry and so terribly hollow but I have no regrets despite the fact that, the only treasures I have left, are the clear memory of her smile and a faded tulip.
Re: Love story
Thank you a lot Gil for your help. :)
"Punctuation" is a problem I've with Italian Writing too and I know I need to master it better.(much better)
I have to admit that some of them were typing errors.( such as "greem" or "tthe").
Honestly, I don't understand some of your corrections:
I don't understand why Hamadryad is wrong: I just wanted to compare, by using a simile, the beauty of the girl with a Greek nymph's one(Hamadryads are Greek mythological beings that live in trees).
Classical literature is full of these comparisons.( Petrarca's Laura is compared to a Goddess, Dante's Beatrice to an angel and so on)
Shouldn't I do it?
I don't understand why the vehemence of the rain is out of the context: I meant that the power of the rain and the way it falls is fascinating and terribly beautiful.
I don't think Beauty necessarily equals Good.( but that's just my opinion)
I wrote "cursed day" becuase a tiny mistake destroyed the man's life.( The Fate cursed him )
If he hadn't to come back to the office, he would have talked to her, they would have taken a coffee together and maybe fell in love.
On the contrary, the man's heart is tied up to illusion and unrealizable hope.( the sight of the girl).
"Auroral dawns" are used by Virginia Woolf in her novel "Orlando, a Biography"(she uses it to describe the weather in the Elizabethan Era) and I thought I could use it too.
But if you tell me it's wrong, I won't use it anymore.
I've understood all the other corrections and I thank you again for your time and availability.
Re: Love story
Thank you for your pieces of advice Gil. :)
Technical virtuosities often make literature empty.
The next time I'll focus more on grammar and punctuation.
Last edited by elvis93; 05-Jun-2011 at 12:16.
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