pls correct my essay

[polygon]

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
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Having jobs can be good or bad to a student, it all depends on why the student takes the job and what he earns from the job.

Sometimes I watch some movies, I always see that teenagers are very materialistic. Their statues and images are building on the materials they wear or use like clothes, sneakers, cell phones etc. They are pursuing for famous and well-known brand names. It’s like they have lost their identities. They can only get their identities by buying products with a big brand name on them. If not, they may be looked down by their peers or being isolated by them. Their friendship is linked by the materials and it is very weak and fragile. It can be easily broken if someone doesn’t follow the trend to buy the latest products in the market. However, those trendy products are very expensive and the students may not be able to afford them and that’s why some teenagers take a job while they are still studying. They may lose their time of studying and doing assignments after school because of the job. They may exhaust themselves if the job is too tough or too long for them to work and they may fall into sleep when they are taking a class at school. Finally, they may not be able to follow the curriculum because they are very tired and they can’t concentrate on what the teachers teach them in the class and they also don’t have the time to study after school. If that’s the case, I would feel pity for them, because I think the first priority of a student is to study not to work. They should worry about their studying not the money.

However, I don’t object students to have a job totally because jobs really can give students something which they can’t learn from books like how the society works and how to work with different people etc. This is a very precious experience for them especially they may go to the society very soon after graduation. They have to adapt the new environment after graduation because the road may not be very smooth and it may be very bumpy with a lot of holes and pits on it. They have to learn how to overcome the difficulties because there may be no one helping them in the society. It’s not like school, if a student doesn’t know something, a teacher may help him, however, in the society he may have to solve the problems all by himself and no one will give you a second chance. If they don’t have this working experience, they may become confused and helpless when they step into the big society. They have to well-equip themselves before entering the society to work after graduation.

Of course, I don’t agree that they should work without studying. I only agree that they should take a job in summer or on holidays and also when they are above 16. If they take the job for experience not for money, I would support them to do so. Otherwise, I would oppose it.

[Tdol]

I'll start:

Sometimes I watch some movies, I always see that teenagers are very materialistic.

This sentence doesn't connect very well- there's no real link and the adverbs (sometimes & always) don't go together:
Often when I watch movies, I see that teenagers are very materialistic.

Their statues and images are building on the materials they wear or use like clothes, sneakers, cell phones etc.

Do you mean 'status' rather than 'statues'?
Their status and image are built around the brands they wear or use...

[xlade]

i would not start the essay with "Having jobs can be good or bad to a student, it all depends on why the student takes the job and what he earns from the job." It's all too cliche for a argumentative essay.

If it is an exam question it would be too ordinary a introduction for you to gain significance to the examiner.

I think you should start like so.

The world order, as it stands today, runs on money. Money is a good thing, is the principle on which life goes on. Since we accept that, then no age is too young to learn the value of it, regardless of when it is. The only thing that stands in the way is whether there are more benefits than disadvantages.

Then in the following paragraphs you would develop on the pros and cons. Having the introduction as a guideline for argumentative essay serves as both an efficient check list as well as spine/structure for the examiner to follow it on.

Plz pardon my bad usage of english for i have gone rusted in it.