please check a memo

[ziawj2]

Please check the memo below to make it unified, coherent well developed.

Memorandum

To: All staff
From: Cloria dos Santos, Director
Date: December 8, 2012
Subject: Staff Christmas Party
Please notice that this year’s Christmas party will be December 18, from 11:00 to 15:00. We will be having a picnic in the park across the road. Your children and partners are welcome.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family are coming. This will help with catering.

[5jj]

I've made one small change. Otherwise it's fine, in my opinion.

MemorandumTo: All staff
From: Cloria dos Santos, Director
Date: December 8, 2012
Subject: Staff Christmas Party
Please notice that this year’s Christmas party will be December 18, from 11:00 to 15:00. We will be having a picnic in the park across the road. Your children and partners are welcome.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family are coming. This will help with catering.

If you wanted to be a little more informal, the body of the memo could read:

We look forward to welcoming you and your partners and children at our Christmas party, which will be held this year on December 18 from 11.00 to 15.00. We'll be having a picnic in the park across the road.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family will be coming; this well help us with the catering arrangements. Thank you.

[ziawj2]

I've made one small change. Otherwise it's fine, in my opinion.If you wanted to be a little more informal, the body of the memo could read:

We look forward to welcoming you and your partners and children at our Christmas party, which will be held this year on December 18 from 11.00 to 15.00. We'll be having a picnic in the park across the road.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family will be coming; this well help us with the catering arrangements. Thank you.

Are the following changes necessary?
1. Your family memebers are welcom to our Christmas party, which will be . . . .
I think "you and your partners and children" are a little wordy, so I change it to "family members" . And "we" is the first person pronoun which seems a little subjective, so I use the origianal objective as the subject in the above sentence.
2. Please notify Lily by December 9 . . . .
I think "let sb. know" is less formal than "notify".