IELTS academic essay

[Lady Annabelle]

Hi, could you please assess my essay in term of its structure and grammar? And how much (out of 9) do you reckon I can get with this essay? I will be taking the test and I'm very nervous about it, given I have to get all band 7.

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Topic:
Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. What is your opinion?

ESSAY:

Majority of people nowadays value equal rights between men and women. Undoubtedly these modern societies believe women are as capable as men. However, some conservative people still think women were not born to be in a workforce and their place is only at home. Such view is deemed to be outdated and there are a few reasons for that.

Gone are the days when women can only be seen at home, specifically in the kitchen and bedroom. Emancipation of feminist has given most women in the world an opportunity to achieve any goals in their lives. They can do whatever they want to do and be whoever they want to be.

There is a famous saying “Educate a man and you educate an individual; educate a woman, and you educate a family”. Giving women proper educations could eventually allow them to have a significant position at work and obtain valuable experiences. Arguably, well-educated and experienced women would rise a better generation in the future.

Another argument in favour of giving women a chance to participate in the workforce is there are many talented women in the society. They could contribute as much, if not more, as men do. Society would suffer a significant loss by prohibiting them to pursue their careers.

In conclusion, I agree that it is important for women to be able to play a significant role at work. The reasons above explained how society would be benefit from a modern view of allowing women to work and eventually let them to rise a well generation.

(258 words)
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Cherrios!

[Gillnetter]

Hi, could you please assess my essay in term of its structure and grammar? And how much (out of 9) do you reckon I can get with this essay? I will be taking the test and I'm very nervous about it, given I have to get all band 7.

================================================== =========

Topic:
Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. What is your opinion?

ESSAY:

(Either use "A majority", or, "The majority") Majority of people nowadays value equal rights between men and women. Undoubtedly, these modern societies believe women are as capable as men. However, some conservative people still think women were not born to be in a the workforce and their place is only at home. Such a view is deemed to be outdated and there are a few reasons for that this.
---You missed two articles in this section---

Gone are the days when women can could only be seen at home, specifically in the kitchen and bedroom. Emancipation of feminist (feminist were not emancipated, females were emancipated. Feminist may have helped in that emancipation but the females were freed.) women has given most women in the world an opportunity to achieve any many goals in their lives. They can do whatever they want to do and be whoever they want to be.
---can is present tense, use could---
There is a famous saying “Educate a man and you educate an individual; educate a woman, and you educate a family”. Giving women a proper educations could eventually allow them to have a significant position at work and obtain valuable experiences. Arguably, well-educated and experienced women would rise raise a better generation in the future.
---"a proper education" is a better choice---"to rise" is to lift or go up. "To raise" could mean to care for and educate children---
Another argument in favour of giving women a chance to participate in the workforce is there are many talented women in the society. They could contribute as much, if not more, as than men do. Society would suffer a significant loss by prohibiting them to pursue their from pursuing a career careers. It couldn't be "their careers" because they didn't have a career. "pursuing a career" is better since it means any career they want in the future.

In conclusion, I agree that it is important for women to be able to play a significant role at work. The reasons above explained how society would be benefit from a modern view of allowing women to work and eventually let them to rise raise a well better (?)generation.

(258 words)
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Cherrios! Cheers - Cherrios is a breakfast cereal

You should do fine if you remember to add the needed articles. Good luck!