COULD CORRECT MY ESSAY

[seemo]

I hope if someone grade my essay, this essay for toefl it supposed to be 300 words
but I wrote 230 words ,
at least correct the mistakes in this essays

why go to university ( this question from book -answer to all over essay questions and not clear if the question means the people or mean me in the question )

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There are many reasons for people to go to university, but that depends the people themselves, some people go for educational cuases, some for financial cuases and some go to the university to become famous , personally speaking
I go to university to gain the knowledge, to know about the world around me and to help my society, I will spell out my reasons .


Firstly, I have passion to know about the world around me, for example when I hear news in the television about some pheneomena, I alwasy ask myself why this happened, these moments intesify my interesting in the education, subsequently
I wish strongly to go to university,


Secondly, I have sense of community and I wish to serve my community , for example we know about the deseases in the poverty countries like my country, I am from Mansoora near Cairo, my city like my country there is lack of knowledge about the deseases and how the people can gaurd themselves from deases, espescially the children,that assures the need to go to unviersity.


As I illustrated, I go to the university to increas my knowledge and develop my skills and to help my society from the
problems which it faces, I hope if we help every one to go into university that is good for the person and the group -society-, do you agree with me?.



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word count 230............................................... .................................................. .................................................. ..........


thank you

[Barb_D]

Hi, and welcome to Using English.



You need to break your paragraphs into sentences, and not link all these thoughts with commas.

End a sentence. Begin a new sentence. Note that the punctuation mark goes immediately after the last letter, without a space.

Try re-posting with individual sentences and someone will come back to take a look.

Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "some for financial cuases" (I know you mean "causes") -- You'll need to put that in other words.

Finally, don't end with "do you agree with me?" You're telling about why you are going -- the reader can't agree that you're telling the truth about yourself.

[seemo]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
I WILL DO