could you proofread it.?
previously, i had been posting my first chapter of crimson riddle(my novel).
now i have finished two chapters of this novel and want it to be proof read it by someone senior such as Gretchen play, 5jj, and bassim.
CHAPTER 2: FIGHT OR FLIGHT.
Two fierce warriors came out of nowhere and headed toward the palace of King Jordan to alert him about Hegamont.
They used the code to enter in the palace.
They were having two great heavy armors and sword behind it. Their faces were like each other fierce and good looking.
The cold there made them shudder, and clouds that covered the sky were gray and fierce. They were hundred % sure that rain was about to begin in no time.
“Something’s wrong in the air, kelvin”
“It’s seemed you have got the point, brother." “It’s abnormally cold”
“We need to run instead of walking” kelvin said
“Yes before that lunatic arrives or the rain begins”
They began to run toward the inner door where they catch the elevator and moved toward their destination at the last floor of the basement.
And after another minute they were on their destination. Only one more turn and they will be in the room where King Jordan and his knights were.
They turned to the left then knocked at the huge brown door. Golden embroidery was done on it. The image was of a Phoenix (the fire bird) sitting on a branch and behind it was a black monster coming to eat him.
The door was opened by two soldiers who were fully armed and ready to fight anytime; behind them was nothing but another brown door.
“Come in," said the soldiers and opened the second same big brown door.
They were now in the hall which was really huge. They reached to dead end where the two guards said, “ibrimtonaska”
The door opened, and steam was released from its end. The soldiers said.
“You go afterwards without us; we have some job to finish”
Twins nodded and entered opening the heavy grey door.
The red carpet was laid on the floor, and room was enlightened by magic for there was no source of light. On the stage, there was a throne seat and King Jordan was sitting on it. On his left- right stood his knights, having black swords in their right and armor on their left.
Twins bowed first then they got nearer to the steps and said.
“King, the Hegamont has found the book”
“He claims to be invincible”
“He is about to arrive here in your empire and destroy it.”
“Secure my empire. Take care of my people more than me. Ready the forces, secure the boundaries of empire by the 5 headed dragons. That’s all, send spectra and drake to me; I need to be ready before he comes. He must be killed before he rules.” King Jordan said as he stood up from the throne and gripped the staff as the sign of power.
“Any other command, my king”
“Can you guess that how much far is HE?”
“As for a guess I can say 7 miles, my liege” the twins said together and stepped backward as the king stepped forward.
“Then what you are waiting for” “hurry up before he steps in this country”
Then with a sudden rap the twins were gone.
In the meantime, king undressed the royal suit and wore royal armor from neck to toe. The armor covered his whole body except the head. The armor was black, very thin, and magical. There were 2 or 3 rays revolving around his armor, they looked like a protection spell.
The king got hold of his sword. The sword was made up of pure gold with little sapphire stones strung on it. Everything on the sword was golden else then the stones for beauty and the blade, because it was black. The sword looked like this:
As he tightened the grip of the sword, there was a sudden rap and the twins were back with two other men.
They looked like king’s VIP men because they wore a black pant coat with cyan blue glasses.
“Have you ready the forces” asked the king from twins.
“No, we just secured the boundaries by ordering your servant 5 headed dragons. And, bring you your VIP men.”
“Okay then, gather my army and prepare them for the fight.” King said and moved toward his men and said “follow me”
There was a rap and twins were gone. Then another rap and king and his men were gone.
King with his men appeared in greyish small oval shaped room. There were four wands lying on the table and that was the only thing in that small greyish room. One wand was glowing in bronze, the second one in gold, the third in sapphire and the last one in black sapphire.
King said “these wands were my lifetime saving, but now I think it is time to use them against HEGAMONT”
“What’s special in them?”
“They were made by the rider of bahamut (lord of dragons). He gave me as a gift with advising me to use them only when needed the most. They were made by the flames of bahamut and the flames of bahamut contain primary colors, so that’s how they came into being.”
“What about the magic” VIP men asked.
“The magic it flows”
“Oh yes, the magic it will flow will be the flames of bahamut.” After taking a long breath king said. “As you know, every wand has its own special spells. The one these wands were having were written in that golden book which is now, in the hold of Hegamont. Those spells could be used through wands as well as from hand.”
“Did you know about what was written in It.?”
“No, rider hides it away from me so i should not turn on the wrong side. Before his death he again advised me not to use them until needed the most and neither should I go looking out for the book.” Finishing the sentence he got near the table and grabbed one wand and gave it to the big hair and with huge nose man. He happily grabbed it and his expressions showed that he was admiring the wand by heart. When king grabbed the other one and gave it to the smart looking guy with two light blue cruel eyes, suddenly, he vanished amid a blaze of blue light.
“No tony, come back you bastard.” King said as he stepped forward with his right hand rising with fury, but that will do no good.
“Are you a traitor like him or what” said the king wiping his tears.
“No, I am not like him” he said.
“I think I should trust your voice more than your words” king said looking around as if he will find him in the corner of the room. But no, he was not here. He was somewhere, where Jordan expected the least.
“Where do you think he would be?”
“To Hegamont as I think for there is no way he could bear the power of the wand.”
“We should return to palace.” He grabbed the two wands when suddenly there was a flash of light crossing through the room and suddenly grabbed one of the wands which were in the hands of Jordan. All they could understand was that the figure of that blazing light was of tony. They did not waste any more time and disappeared from the room. They returned back to palace and arranged the battlefield.
On the other hand, Hegamont took the wand from tony and opened the book and after a minute or so, smiled. “Got ya you bloody fool” putting that book back into the pocket then spelled “ibrimtonaska” suddenly the black sapphire wand began to transform into a black sapphire staff. The handgrip was the in the figure of a dragon face with an open mouth. Its eyes were marble blue while the tongue was golden and the rest of all was shiny black. Hegamont took out another wand from his inner pocket which was delivered up by tony whose body was lying behind Hegamont near the lake. “Prepare to die, jordaaan” he yelled with happiness as the wand turned back into its real form and began to glow in silver.
The forces were ready, the soldiers were armed and the boundaries were secured by the beautiful 5 headed dragons. After one more day the fight began, all of the creatures such as vampires, elves, dwarves, rippers (special creatures for evils) and many more were there. Most of the creatures supported the light. But after 7 days of violence, gloominess and bloody battle, Hegamont defeated them all including other creatures. However, he was unable to kill King Jordan who finally refused to led the empire anymore and ran away with his men and other creature into the land in sky by sitting on the remaining 5 headed dragons, where they set plans to oppose Hegamont and to restore justice when they found out a prophecy which told them that sooner or later a boy will come and restore justice to “ACKLAMENTO”.
thanks in advance.
By simon1234 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
Last Post: 17-Dec-2010, 03:53
By paochai01 in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 01-Aug-2008, 03:27
By Unregistered in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 16-Jul-2008, 05:22
By Unregistered in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 14-Jul-2008, 22:39
By peter123 in forum Ask a Teacher
Last Post: 24-Mar-2008, 16:35
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO