Re: please give this synposis a polish.
You are not writing the cover jacket, which should make the person who may buy your book curious enough to finish it. You are writing to an agent who will try to sell you book. The agent needs to know the entire story line.
Examples of where you are too detailed:
They went to a birthday party of his father’s cousin. they came back at midnight - doesn't matter what they were doing. One fateful night, Crimson...
one midnight he was sitting alone at the garden weeping as he was reminded of the old times with his family, when he found something falling -- Unless the fact that he is at the depths of despair matters, it only matters that he has found this egg.
Also, you MUST use paragraphs. Group important scenes or conflicts/resolutoins together in one paragraph. That huge wall of text is very hard to read.
I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.