Please help me evaluate my writing technique

[RA-13]

One person commented to my essay saying that- "every single sentence is poorly constructed". However I don't seem to comprehend where my essay is greatly wrong for it to be remarked as "poorly constructed". I checked the grammar and the content and there might be some minor grammatical problems but would it be sufficient for the conclusion? Please help me as I am turning out to be very insecure with my English communication ability.

Here is a part of my essay about politics in religion;

Of those who held political hierarchy; of those established to intimidate for obedience, are those with intent none but earthly power. Religion is a way of living than a field asserting metaphysical truth. One for instance shan’t be, at all circumstances, a person with a democratic tenet because of the introduction of new democracy headed by George Washington nor he be of the shade of that belief because of the existence of George Washington, but because it has a rational effect, likewise should be of religion removing the view of putting much importance in the metaphysical context of the existence of central figure but so forgets that it is of less importance. It should be that the empathy be laid in the shoes of the divine sufferer, being of a religion is practicing the tenets of that faith that sought to point in maximizing goodness in all parts of morality from intent to its ends essential for his earthly endeavors. That in this approach there shan’t be any contesting faiths of who is correct but much better; what is the best in accordance with the use of his utmost rational capacity. Yes, religion is ethical than metaphysical.

[Gillnetter]

Yes, it is rather confusing. One way to become a better writer is to write shorter sentences. Your sentences tend to be too long and drift away from the central meaning of the sentence. I have no idea of what the first sentence means and the conclusion seems to be unrelated to the rest of the text. I suggest that you spend some time reading so that you will get a better idea of how English is written. I advise my students to read, "The Old Man and the Sea", by Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway tended to write in short sentences and he still conveyed a strong meaning in his novels.

[RA-13]

Thank you very much for your suggestion and I will try to get a copy of that literature. But I would like to ask, is the problem of the paragraph wordiness or in the subject verb agreement/ structure?

You are right with your tip for conciseness and I do follow it when creating essays for science however in philosophy somehow I always have a different method because I have a fear. In science it is necessary to be direct to the point because if what your saying is the truth then it can be expressed without much words, it is objective of your reason. However in philosophy there is no testable nature objective from me, everything is subjective, thus if I somehow give a concise assertion that God does not exist, from the beginning the reader would have a mind set of dislike while reading the statements, so I always find lee ways to conceal the real message and let them unlock it. I hope I have expressed myself.

[5jj]

Thank you very much for your suggestion and I will try to get a copy of that literature. But I would like to ask, is the problem of the paragraph wordiness or in the subject verb agreement/ structure?

You are right with your tip for conciseness and I do follow it when creating essays for science however in philosophy somehow I always have a different method because I have a fear. In science it is necessary to be direct to the point because if what your saying is the truth then it can be expressed without much words, it is objective of your reason. However in philosophy there is no testable nature objective from me, everything is subjective, thus if I somehow give a concise assertion that God does not exist, from the beginning the reader would have a mind set of dislike while reading the statements, so I always find lee ways to conceal the real message and let them unlock it. I hope I have expressed myself.

Just look at the number of conjunctions and comma splices.

[Gillnetter]

Thank you very much for your suggestion and I will try to get a copy of that literature. But I would like to ask, is the problem of the paragraph wordiness or in the subject verb agreement/ structure?

You are right with your tip for conciseness and I do follow it when creating essays for science however in philosophy somehow I always have a different method because I have a fear. In science it is necessary to be direct to the point because if what your saying is the truth then it can be expressed without much words, it is objective of your reason. However in philosophy there is no testable nature objective from me, everything is subjective, thus if I somehow give a concise assertion that God does not exist, from the beginning the reader would have a mind set of dislike while reading the statements, so I always find lee ways to conceal the real message and let them unlock it. I hope I have expressed myself.

It may be that science and philosophy differ in certain respects, but the intent of writing is to communicate. I, for one, will not try to unlock the real message. The message, as you call it, has to be apparent in the writing or most readers will move on to something more productive.

[Barb_D]

the intent of writing is to communicate.

You speak a great truth in this simple statement.

Or, at least, the intent SHOULD BE to communicate.

[RA-13]

5jj, thank you for your response. Please help me find out exactly what is wrong.

[Barb_D]

What 5jj did was to point out to you all the places you have joined thoughts together. This creates very long sentences. This also makes it more likely that you will make a grammatical mistake. Try writing in shorter sentences.

[RA-13]

I will take note of that Barb D. One last question, do you think that if I shorten the sentences the paragraph posted above would be understandable?

[Barb_D]

We'll only know that after you try.

You should also avoid putting all those comments between commas.
You should, if you want my advice, also avoid placing all those comments, no matter how important you may think your observations are, between commas.