[Essay] [IELTS - Writing Task 1 and 2] Japanese tourists travelling abroad

G'day mates!
Could you help me to estimate my WT from academic ielts exam, in terms of IELTS criteria.
I'd appreciate any comments.

Writing Task 1
The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia’s share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The first bar-chart represents number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad during decade from 1985 to 1995 year. The second line graph depicts Australian’s share of Japanese tourist market during the same period of time.

Japanese tourist market is noticed to incline significantly during ten year period of time. Overall increasing during decade period is about ten million of tourists. Dynamic evolving of the tourist market distincts in five-year period of time from 1985 to 1990 year, and represents about 6 million growth. Comparable gain is depicted during next five-year period and equals to about 4 million. During the decade a stable developing in Australia’s part of Japanese tourist market is represented by confident gain by about 4 percent.

To sum up, ten year time made distinctive changes in Japanese tourist market. More people have been able to travel abroad by 1995, and particularly in Australia, which means economic rise in Japan during represented period of time.

Writing Task 2
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

Recently there have been a lot of arguments about engaging children in variable types of paid work. Some people are considered this should not be allowed while others have profoundly converse conviction. This challenge is quite controversial, hence it must be considered a lot more deeply.

Nowadays regular families foster their children under hard pressure of diverse bunch of conditions, which the real world dictates every day, inclining people to be a lot more like a business person. People have to be aware financially, they have to do much financial work during routine everyday’s life as paying bills, buying various stuff, paying for service. This tendency leads to parents trying to bring up their child to be familiar with financial routine and to have ability to make and evaluate money. In other words they teach their children to work for repayment from childhood.
On the one side this behavior could lead to wealthy and financial consistency in adulthood, on the other side it could deprive the most important and joyful time of the life that significantly determines social behavior in the future life.

To my personal opinion, making money would never replace a teddy bear for child, who at that time so far believes in fairy-tales and imagine kingdoms, dragons and knights, princesses and mysterious creatures. However parents should not forget about current tendencies, furthermore they should try to give their child necessary financial skills during childhood, after all when a child express an interest and desire to earn money by his own, this time would be like an kick-off to allow and help him to start and experience repayment work.