My write from my mind

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Barb_D

One more thing you need address is why you wanted to badly to play with this fat, mean child who hits everyone. Why did you want so badly to play with him?

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Now I edited ^_^

Please stop editing the original post. Just write a new one. The story keeps changing.

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Once when I was very young, Upon one days I went to the marketing in my city with my family when I was a small age. There was a big kid In this place someone who has a big stomach and with sharp eyes. He had a small car with a remote control. He hits anyone who when someone came near to him who wanted to play with his toy. his game. But me I wanted to play with it because I had asked required my mother to buy the slimier game a similar toy but she wouldn't didn't buy it.When I saw this kid with this toy, I wondered "How can I play with it without his hitting me?" In this case I require asked my mother to give me some sweets and chocolates but my mother didn't give me anything. I wondered myself how can I play it. After five minutes, found find the solution and laughed evily. like evil., In my hand has a beautiful digital clock. It's It was a Ben Ten clock. I gave him my clock and he was happy. After that I run ran quickly to my mother and cried cry.

"What happen?" she said.

"That kid stole my clock," and I cry cried very hard strong. She went goes to him and said something into his ears. They talked together quietly with silent sound. I couldn't hear didn't listen what they said but the boy's eyes changed convert from sharp eye to beautiful eyes.

He came to me and caught my hand and said, "Can you play with me?"

I was surprised and felt happy. I played with him it.Finally, I knew my mother talk gently with him. In this way, I learned that the beautiful words are better than my the bad method.
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You have trouble with the past tense.
The car is a toy, not a game. You play WITH it; you don't "play it."
You "ask" for something from your mother; you don't "require" it.
When you write what someone says, you need to start a new paragraph and use quotation marks.

You have amazing analyze. I learned a lot of from you. From corrected my paragraph I think now should be read more and more. The second time I will write another paragraph better than this.

Thanks for you

My pleasure