Please help me to perfect my personal statement

[xkkx]

Dear users,
I'm from Hong Kong and I'm applying a master degree in marketing in my local university. Please help me to check my grammar and give me some suggestions on how to perfect it, also please give me some advice on what else should write in my personal statement since it's pretty short and I have no idea what to write. Thank you very much : )


Personal Statement

I recently obtained my bachelor degree of Marketing and Public Relations in XXX University. The program included subjects related to marketing and public relations which helped me to build a solid foundation, but I want to be better than that. I believed that the integrated marketing knowledge can increase my competitiveness and allows me to perform better in the marketing field.


My career goal is to be a successful marketer in the beauty industry. Marketing is one of the key aspects leading to success in the beauty industry. I was inspired by a quote of Estée Lauder, the co-founder of The Estée Lauder Companies: "If you don't sell, it's not the product that's wrong, it's you." This quote emphasizes the importance of marketing in the beauty industry, and motivates me to continue my studies in marketing in order to prepare myself to work in this dynamic and ever-changing environment in the future.

The MSc in Marketing program is very rich and complete; the courses are very beneficial to my future career. I am especially interested in the ‘Consumer / Buyer Behaviour’ and ‘Customer Relationship Management’ courses, as most of the luxury beauty brands practice customer retention due to the high acquisition cost. ‘Brand Marketing: A Chinese Cultural Perspective’ and ‘Chinese Culture and Marketing’ are also courses that I am very keen on studying. According to the National Bureau of Statistics of China (NBS), retail sales of cosmetics of enterprises above designated size reached 110.3 billion yuan in 2011, up nominally by 18.7% year-on-year. The market size is kept enlarging and the courses can help me to gain insights on the Chinese culture, so I can have a better perspective on the fast growing market. ‘Marketing Consulting Skill & Project’ allows me to have a glimpse of the real world, it can equip me for the challenging future.

I believe that my education, skills, and personal qualities will meet the standards of the City University of Hong Kong and will allow me to be not only a perfect student, but also a professional in the field of marketing. Thank you for your time considering my candidacy. Please find attached my former lecturer’s reference letter. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[billmcd]

Dear users,
I'm from Hong Kong and I'm applying a master degree in marketing in my local university. Please help me to check my grammar and give me some suggestions on how to perfect it, also please give me some advice on what else should write in my personal statement since it's pretty short and I have no idea what to write. Thank you very much : )


Personal Statement

I recently obtained my bachelor degree of Marketing and Public Relations in XXX University. The program included subjects related to marketing and public relations. which helped me to build a solid foundation, but I want to be better than that. With that as a foundation, I believe d that the integrated marketing knowledge can increase my competitiveness and allows me to perform better in the marketing field succede in the field of marketing.


My career goal is to be a successful marketer in the beauty industry. Marketing is one of the key aspects leading to success in the beauty industry. I was inspired by a quote of Estée Lauder, the co-founder of The Estée Lauder Companies: "If you don't sell, it's not the product that's wrong, it's you." This quote emphasizes the importance of marketing in the beauty industry, and motivates me to continue my studies in marketing in order to prepare myself to work in this dynamic and ever-changing environment in the future.

The MSc in Marketing program is very rich and complete; the courses are very beneficial to my future career. (This statement is what I would identify as "plain vanilla" and adds nothing to your backgroung or request) I am especially interested in the ‘Consumer / Buyer Behaviour’ and ‘Customer Relationship Management’ courses, as the marketing of most of the luxury beauty brands practice target customer retention due to the high acquisition cost. ‘Brand Marketing: A Chinese Cultural Perspective’ and ‘Chinese Culture and Marketing’ are also courses that I am very keen on studying. According to the National Bureau of Statistics of China (NBS), retail sales of cosmetics of enterprises above designated size (? what is designated size?) reached 110.3 billion yuan in 2011, up nominally by 18.7% year-on-year. The market size is kept enlarging has continued to increase and the courses can help me to gain insights on into the Chinese culture. so I can have a The courses will also help me to gain a better perspective on the fast growing market. ‘Marketing Consulting Skill & Project’ allows will allow me to have obtain a glimpse of the real world. It can equip me for the a challenging future.

In summary,I believe that my education, skills, and personal qualities will meet the standards of the City University of Hong Kong and will allow me to be not only a perfect student, but also a professional in the field of marketing. Thank you for your time considering my candidacy. Please find attached my former lecturer’s reference letter . I look forward to hearing from you soon .

b.

[xkkx]

b.

Thank you very much for the reply.
Do you have any suggestions on the structure or any other important points I should mention in the personal statement?
Thanks again for your help!

[billmcd]

Thank you very much for the reply.
Do you have any suggestions on the structure or any other important points I should mention in the personal statement?
Thanks again for your help!

The shorter the better with this type of statement and you have kept it brief. The last thing the reader/reviewer wants is a two or three page personal, self-authored document.