Can you please correct my motivational essay? Thank you
Here is the essay/letter:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing this motivational letter in order to apply for the BSc in International Business at the Copenhagen Business School.
One may wonder why you should take me instead of another person applying for this program. I am not going to tell you that you should choose me since I am the best student in the world or for another pompous reason: that would only be a debatable, shallow answer. My answer will be simple, and yet meaningful. As you know, I decided to apply for this course at your university, the Copenhagen Business School, a university that is far away from home and in a country where it is spoken a language that I do not understand, whereas I could study in Italy, where everything would be significantly easier. I decided to run a risk, someone may say a great risk, but I believe firmly that a life without risks is a life without success. I took this decision consciously as I know that studying at CBS would give me major possibilities than studying in my home country and as I am aware of the fact that I will not disappoint you, therefore I am ready to take this chance.
I would like to become the manager of an international oriented company or organization because I like both management and international relations. My passion for the abroad was born when I was 6 years old when I first saw a picture of the skyline of New York City and I remained mesmerized by its beauty. From that moment, I started to make inquiries about foreign countries and the more I discovered, the more I liked the idea of an international job. However, the factors that influenced me the most in this decision are probably my exchange program in the United States and my "business trip" with my father in Düsseldorf. The former has been very important chiefly as I have lived for 5 months in an English-speaking country, hence I had the possibility to improve my knowledge of the language, but also because I had the chance put myself to the test. However, my trip to Düsseldorf has probably been the experience that changed my life the most: I went there for the global retail trade fair (Euro Shop) of 2011 with my father as he needed an interpreter because the person that had to go with him had a problem and could not go. I loved it because I had the occasion to interact with people from all over the world and I took my role so seriously and enthusiastically that some of the people with whom we were talking thought that I was the chief of the firm. In that moment I realized my interest for business and foreign relations. I know that what I did there was easier than what I am going to do, but this is one reason why I would like to attend your business school: I have always loved challenges, and this would be an incredibly interesting one.
I am a person extremely adaptable and self-sufficient, in fact when I was a child my parents worked until late in the afternoon, so I had to gradually learn to do everything by myself. This has helped me to become an enterprising and self-confident person, two important qualities for a manager and for life.
Besides, I can contribute to the international program with my knowledge of the Italian and American society: Italy is now experiencing a difficult period, so it would be useful to have a person that knows the country well to fully understand what is happening and why. In addition, my humanistic education (Philosophy, History, Literature) may be useful to comprehend today's world and why some countries are in certain conditions. These subjects have also stimulated my ability of "thinking out of the box" and my capacity to solve problems through an unusual, but effective approach. However, as I am studying in a school where Mathematics and Science are the main subjects, I have also achieved good analytical and rational problem solving skills, which are very important both in teamwork and when working alone.
I strongly believe that I will benefit a lot from studying at the Copenhagen Business School as it is a very prestigious and well known institution with a pragmatic and effective teaching. Furthermore, the city of Copenhagen is a remarkable stimulating environment and it supplies plenty of business and cultural opportunities.
As Seneca (a Latin writer and philosopher) says, time has to be considered not quantitatively, but qualitatively: that means that we have to use time as best as possible because, as he writes, we die every day (cotidie mori, from the first Epistula - "letter" - of the "Epistulae ad Lucilium") since death possesses the time that has already passed. And the best way to use my time is to study in an excellent school: that is why I have chosen to apply to the Copenhagen Business School.
Andrea xxxxxxxx
Re: Can you please correct my motivational essay? Thank you
Quote:
Originally Posted by
andrea23694 
Here is the essay/letter:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing this motivational letter in order to apply This is my application for the BSc in International Business at the Copenhagen Business School.
[STRIKE] One may wonder why you should take me instead of another person applying for this program.[ /STRIKE] I am not going to tell you suggest that you should choose me since because I am the best student in the world or for another pompous boastful reasons. That would only be a debatable issue. shallow answer. My answer will be purpose is simple, and yet meaningful for me. As you know, I decided to apply for this course at your university, the Copenhagen Business School, a university that is far away from home and in a country where it is spoken a language that I do not understand with which I am not familiar, whereas I could study in my native home, Italy, where everything would be significantly easier. I decided to run a risk, someone may say a great risk, but I believe firmly that a life without risks is a life without success. I took this decision consciously as I know that studying at CBS would give me major possibilities rather than studying in my home country and as I am aware of the fact that I will not disappoint you, therefore I am ready to take this chance.
I would like to become the manager of an international oriented company or organization because I like both management and international relations. My passion for the abroad visiting and exploring other countries was born became evident when I was 6 years old and when I first saw a picture of the skyline of New York City. and I remained was mesmerized by its beauty. From that moment, I started to make inquiries about foreign countries and the more I discovered, the more I liked the idea of an international job. However, the factors that influenced me the most in this decision are probably my exchange program in the United States and my "business trip" with my father in to Düsseldorf. The former has been very important chiefly as I have lived for 5 months in an English-speaking country, hence I had the possibility to improve my knowledge of the language, but also because I had the chance to put myself to the test. However, my trip to Düsseldorf has probably been the experience that changed my life the most: I went there for the global retail trade fair (Euro Shop) of 2011 with my father as he needed an interpreter because the person that had to go with him had a problem and could not go. I loved it because I had the occasion to interact with people from all over the world and I took my role so seriously and enthusiastically that some of the people with whom we were talking thought that I was the chief of the firm. In that moment I realized my interest for business and foreign relations. I know that what I did there was easier than what I am going to do, but this is one reason why I would like to attend your business school: I have always loved challenges, and this would be an incredibly interesting one.
I am a person extremely adaptable and self-sufficient, in fact when I was a child my parents worked until late in the afternoon, so I had to gradually learn to do everything by myself. This has helped me to become an enterprising and self-confident person, two important qualities for a manager and for life.
Besides, In addition, I can contribute to the international program with my knowledge of the Italian and American society: Italy is now experiencing a difficult period, so it would be useful to have a person that knows the country well to fully understand what is happening and why. In addition, my humanistic education (Philosophy, History, Literature) may be useful to comprehend today's world and why some countries are in certain conditions. These subjects have also stimulated my ability of "thinking outside of the box" and my capacity to solve problems through an unusual, but effective approach. However, as I am studying in a school where Mathematics and Science are the main subjects, I have also achieved good analytical and rational problem solving skills, which are very important both in teamwork and when working alone.
I strongly believe that I will benefit a lot from studying at the Copenhagen Business School as it is a very prestigious and well known institution with a pragmatic and effective teaching. Furthermore, the city of Copenhagen is a remarkable stimulating environment and it supplies plenty of business and cultural opportunities.
As Seneca (a Latin writer and philosopher) says, time has to be considered not quantitatively, but qualitatively: that means that we have to use time as best as possible because, as he writes, we die every day (cotidie mori, from the first Epistula - "letter" - of the "Epistulae ad Lucilium") since death possesses the time that has already passed. And the best way to use my time is to study in an excellent school: that is why I have chosen to apply to the Copenhagen Business School.
Andrea xxxxxxxx
Nice work. A few suggestions.
Re: Can you please correct my motivational essay? Thank you
Here it is how I changed it:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing this motivational letter in order to apply for the BSc in International Business at the Copenhagen Business School.
One may wonder why you should take me instead of another person applying for this program. I am not going to tell you that you should choose me since I am the best student in the world or for another pompous reason: that would only be a debatable, shallow answer. My answer will be simple, and yet meaningful. As you know, I decided to apply for this course at your university, the Copenhagen Business School, a university that is far away from home and in a country where a language I do not know is spoken, whereas I could study in my native home, Italy, where everything would be significantly easier. I decided to run a risk, someone may say a great risk, but I believe firmly that a life without risks is a life without success. I took this decision consciously as I know that studying at CBS would give me major possibilities beyond those in my home country and as I am aware of the fact that I will not disappoint you.
I would like to become the manager of an international oriented company or organization because I like both management and international relations. My passion for visiting and exploring other countries became evident when I was 6 years old when I first saw a picture of the skyline of New York City. I remained mesmerized by its beauty. From that moment, I started to make inquiries about foreign countries and the more I discovered, the more I liked the idea of an international job. However, the factors that influenced me the most in this decision are probably my exchange program in the United States and my "business trip" with my father to Düsseldorf. The former has been very important chiefly as I lived for 5 months in an English-speaking country, hence I had the possibility to improve my knowledge of the language. Also, I had the chance put myself to the test. However, my trip to Düsseldorf has probably been the experience that changed my life the most: I went there for the global retail trade fair (Euro Shop) of 2011 with my father as he needed an interpreter. I loved it because I had the occasion to interact with people from all over the world and I took my role so seriously and enthusiastically that some of the people with whom we were talking thought that I was the director of the firm. In that moment I realized my interest for business and foreign relations. I know that what I did there was easier than what I am going to do, but this is one reason why I would like to attend your business school: I have always loved challenges, and this would be an incredibly interesting one.
I am an extremely adaptable person and self-sufficient, in fact when I was a child my parents worked until late in the afternoon, so I had to gradually learn to do everything by myself. This has helped me to become an enterprising and self-confident person, two important qualities for a manager and for life.
In addition, I can contribute to the international program with my knowledge of the Italian and American society: Italy is now experiencing a difficult period, so it would be useful to have a person that knows the country well to fully understand what is happening and why. Besides, my humanistic education (Philosophy, History, Literature) may be useful to comprehend today's world and why some countries are in certain conditions. These subjects have also stimulated my ability of "thinking out of the box" and my capacity to solve problems through an unusual, but effective approach. However, as I am studying in a school where Mathematics and Science are the main subjects, I have also achieved good analytical and rational problem solving skills, which are very important both in teamwork and when working alone.
I strongly believe that I will benefit greatly from studying at the Copenhagen Business School as it is a very prestigious and well known institution with a pragmatic and effective teaching approach. Furthermore, the city of Copenhagen is a remarkably stimulating environment and it supplies plenty of business and cultural opportunities.
As Seneca (a Latin writer and philosopher) says, time has to be considered not quantitatively, but qualitatively: that means that we have to use time as best as possible because, as he writes, we die every day (cotidie mori, from the first Epistula - "letter" - of the "Epistulae ad Lucilium") since death possesses the time that has already passed. And the best way to use my time is to study in an excellent school: that is why I have chosen to apply to the Copenhagen Business School.
Andrea Petrini
