Can anyone please check my essay

This is my assignment for Language Art (LA). It is important as it contributes 15% to my final grades of the module. can anyone please check before I submit? Comments are welcome :)
Your task:
Write a 500-700 word essay about a first encounter, for example, your first date, your first encounter with danger, your first taste of freedom, etc. You should employ two or three narrative techniques discussed in class in the writing of your essay. Give your essay a title, and remember to indicate the length of your essay.
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Quote:

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A FIRST INTERVIEW
I was anxious. It was my interview today. My father was waiting outside in the café. The next turn was mine. Today was a very important day as I had a chance to get a scholarship to study oversea. As I came into the room, I definitely felt more nervous. What if they turn me down, I thought. “Relax, just relax and breathe. Fear no evil! Things are going to be fine,” I said to myself.
There were three foreign people sitting in the room. They all looked grave. The room was small, but luxurious.
“Have a seat, please!” one of them smiled. I gave a nervous giggle. My limbs went numb.
At first, they enquired about my personal particulars. I responded not very fluently since it was the first time I talked to foreign people.
“What do you know about our country and why do you choose to study there?” the lady sitting in the center asked, kept smiling at me. Yet I started to get jittery.
The previous days before the interview, I made a list of questions, which I thought the interviewers might ask, and learnt by heart the answers. Now I tried to recall the draft. However, facing the interviewers, I almost forgot everything I had drafted. I stammered badly. My voice quavered when I spoke.
“Come on, we are waiting for you”, the lady said softly. Her face grew graver. Waves of fear overtook me as she slightly knitted her brows. I could hear my heart beating faster as second went by. I had to say something.
I took a deep breath. That was the best way to take back self-confidence. Ignoring the draft, I said whatever came to my mind.
The next questions aimed to test my English, since English was their country’s language of education. Once I felt more confident, I was able to cope quite well. However, one or two times I was tongue-tied for long moments without being able to give the answers for some unprepared questions.
“Studying overseas is perfectly not easy. You will have to do everything yourself. Furthermore, if you can’t adapt quickly with the new system, I’m sure that you’ll be struggling”, the man said. He looked the most austere of the three. “So,” he stressed, “do you still wish to study in our country?” I hesitated for a few seconds. “Yes, sir, I do wish!” I spoke firmly, feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job.
After the interview, they told me to go back and wait for the result. They would call that night to inform me about the outcome. So excited was I that night that I was not able to concentrate on anything. I just sat by the telephone, a bundle of nerves.
At 8 o’clock,
“Reeeeng!” the phone rang. I startled, and then took the phone with my fingers trembling. My heart was thumping fiercely. A sweet voice was talking. “Hello, I’d like to inform you that you’ve been chosen. There is a meeting for successful interviewees at the Central Tower. Please be there before 9 o’clock in the morning”. I could not believe my ears. “Are you sure that was … me?” I asked suspiciously. “Sure, if you are Huy.” She confirmed.
I just wanted to scream. The first people to whom I announced were my parents. We had a great night sharing joy together. It was the happiest moment I ever had.
Going to study overseas was a turning point in my life. Not only did it give me a chance to enjoy one of the world’s best educations, but also to a better future.

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Words: 609

Huy,

I believe my English is slightly better than yours. Please look at my changes:

A FIRST INTERVIEW
I was anxious, as today was my interview day, and my turn was next. My father was waiting outside for me in the café. Today was a very important day as I had a chance to receive a scholarship to study oversea. As I came into the room, I definitely felt more nervous than before. What if they turned me down, I thought. “Relax, just relax and breathe. Fear no evil! Things are going to be fine,” I said to myself.
There were three foreigners sitting in the room, all looked grave. The room was small but luxurious.
“Have a seat, please!” one of them smiled. I gave a nervous giggle. My limbs went numb.
They started to enquire me about my personal information. I responded not very fluently since it was the first time I talked to foreigners.
“What do you know about our country and why do you choose to study there?” the lady sitting in the center asked me. She kept smiling at me, yet I started to get jittery.

Days before the interview, I made a list of questions which I thought the interviewers might ask and remembered the answers by heart. Now, facing the interviewers, I tried to recall what was on the draft but forgot almost everything I wrote. I stammered badly, and my voice quavered when I spoke.

“Come on, we are waiting for you”, the lady said softly. Her face grew graver. As she slightly knitted her brows, waves of fear overtook me,. I could hear my heart beating faster as seconds went by. I had to say something.
I took a deep breath. That was the best way to take back self-confidence. Ignoring the draft, I said whatever came to my mind.
The next few questions were aimed at my English skills, since English was their country’s language. Once I felt more confident, I was able to cope quite well. However, one or two times, facing some unprepared questions, I was tongue-tied for long moments without being able to answer.

“Studying overseas is perfectly not easy. You will have to do everything yourself. Furthermore, if you can’t adapt quickly with the new system, I’m sure that you’ll be struggling”, the man said. He looked the most austere of the threes. “So,” he stressed, “do you still wish to study in our country?” I hesitated for a few seconds. “Yes, sir, I do!” I spoke firmly, feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job.
After the interview, they told me to go home and wait for the result. They would call that night to inform me about the outcome. So excited was I that night that I was not able to concentrate on anything. I just sat by the telephone, a bundle of nerves.

At 8 o’clock, “Riiiiiing!” the phone rang. I startled and took the phone with my fingers trembling (no comma between subject and verb). My heart was thumping fiercely. A sweet voice was talking. “Hello, I’d like to inform you that you’ve been chosen. There is a meeting for successful interviewees at the Central Tower. Please be there before 9 o’clock in the morning”. I could not believe my ears. “Are you sure that was … me?” I asked suspiciously. “Sure, if you are Huy.” She confirmed.

I just wanted to scream and immediately announced to my parents. We shared our joys together that night, and it was one of the happiest moments I had.
Studying overseas was a turning point in my life. It gave me a chance to enjoy not only one of the world’s best educations but also to a better future.

Thank you :). Your E is surely better than me. ;)

I have just finished the correction of your essay. True, English isn't my native language, but I have been speaking English quite for a long time, since 1996. And I've been tutoring since 2004. I hope my correction will be useful for you. Good luck!

But define more exactly
the the phrase "feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job". What did you want to mean?


A FIRST INTERVIEW
I was anxious. It would be my first interview today. My father was waiting for me outside in the café. The next turn was mine. Today was a very important day, as I had a chance to get a scholarship to study overseas. As I entered the room, I definitely felt more nervous than before. “What, if they turn me down?” I thought. “Relax, just relax and breathe! Fear no evil! Things are going to be fine,” I said to myself.
There were three foreign people sitting in the room. They all looked grave. The room was small, but luxurious.
“Have a seat, please!” one of them smiled. I giggled nervously. My limbs went numb.
At first, they enquired about my personal features. I answered not very fluently as it was the first time I have talked to foreign people.
“What do you know about our country and why do you choose to study there?” the lady sitting in the center asked me, smiling.
I started to get jittery.

Before the interview, I made a list of questions, which I thought the interviewers might ask, and learnt by heart the answers. Now I tried to recall the draft. However, facing the interviewers, I almost forgot everything I had drafted. I was stammering badly. While I was speaking, my voice quavered.
“Come on, we are waiting for you”, the lady said softly. Her face grew graver. Waves of fear overtook me as she slightly knitted her brows. The more seconds were passing the more my heart was beating. I had to say something.
I took a deep breath. That was the best way to return self-confidence. Ignoring the draft, I told whatever came to my mind.
The next questions aimed at testing my English, since English was a language of education in their country. I felt more confident at once, I was able to manage quite well. However, not being able to answer some unprepared questions one or two times I was tongue-tied for long moments.
“Studying overseas is perfectly not easy. You will have to do everything yourself. Besides, if you can’t adapt quickly the new system, I’m sure that you’ll be struggling”, the man said. He looked most austere of the three. “So,” he stressed, “do you still wish to study in our country?” I hesitated for a few seconds. “Yes, sir, I do wish!” I spoke firmly, feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job.
After the interview, they told me to go back and wait for the result. They would call that night to inform me about the outcome. On that night I was so excited that I was not able to concentrate on anything. I just sat by the telephone with bundle of nerves.
At 8 o’clock,
“Reeeeng!” the phone rang. I startled, and then took the phone with my trembling fingers. My heart was beating fiercely. A sweet voice was talking. “Hello, I’d like to inform you that you’ve been chosen. There is a meeting for successful interviewees at the Central Tower. Please be there before 9 o’clock in the morning”. I could not believe my ears. “Are you sure that was … me?” I asked suspiciously. “Sure, if you are Huy.” She confirmed.
I just wanted to scream. The first people to whom I announced were my parents. On that night we had a great joy together. It was the happiest moment I had ever had.
Going to study overseas was a turning point in my life. It gave me not only a chance to enjoy one of the best educations of the world, but also opportunity of better future.

Thank you everyone for helping me improve the essay :). I have been speaking E for ... 5 months, yet I'm still struggling.
@Online Tutor: i meant "feeling relieved that I had finally finished the interview"

correction to "feeling relieved that I had finally finished
the interview"
To my mind you meant the following:
... having relieved, I thought that my interview had finally finished.

Hello, can anyone help edit my paper as well? I'm new to this site and don't know how to post my own threads..this paper is basically analyzing a sponge bob episode and the true meanings behind the episode. I just need help with grammar. thanks a lot!

Alone

Cartoons that make people laugh wildly hard are difficult to find nowadays. In order to get that milk flying out of nose effect from laughing, one must search real hard for a great cartoon. Well, SpongeBob Square Pants would do just that if people were to sit down and give his show a minute of their time. A carefree, yellow-skinned sponge, just like the ones commonly found in the kitchen sink with his outrageously large nose, white collared shirt, little brow shorts and cute little necktie, lives in an overgrown pineapple under the sea in a little community by the name of Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob is always optimistic about everything in life, and his friendly attitude can turn the meanest people his friend. Within this community SpongBob also lives with his rambunctious group of friends.
His best friend of all time is Patrick the starfish. This particular star fish looks nothing like the typical star fish that you would see in the ocean and he lives under a huge rock. With his bulging belly, cotton candy pink skin, and enormously big eyes, Patrick never fails to amuse us, the viewers, with his gullible reactions, and occasional bursts of ironically genius answers. Patrick is constantly giving SpongeBob advice and encouragement. Although most of the time Patrick is the one to initiate dangerous and rather foolish activities with good intentions in mind, he never leaves a friend in need and is always there to catch SpongeBob when he falls. Being the loyal friend that he is, Patrick is always ready to take SpongeBob by the hand to go wreak havoc on Bikini Bottom together.
But before they can go out and rule the world together, they have to get through hearing the complaints of their cranky, six tentacled friend Squidward. He has a bald head, shiney enough to see reflections on. His skin is a puke green color and his nose resembles Pinocchio’s nose when he lies, but more heavily weighed down. Sarcasm is his best friend and next to that is his clarinet, which he plays horribly. A cloud of superiority hovers over Squidward wherever he goes. He likes to think that he is the best in everything that he does, but in reality, he fails to meet even the slightest accomplishments.
Although SpongeBob and Patrick consider Squidward their good friend, the feeling is no where near mutual. Squidward finds the activities SpongeBob and Patrick take part in extremely annoying and would never want to join in on whatever they were doing, even if his life depended on it, even if that meant him being alone. People looking in on Squidward would call him a social out-cast, or a squid with a mean streak. Little did Squidward know that being alone isn’t the greatest feeling in the world, and that he should really cherish whose around him instead of wishing them way .
Opening the half oval, metal door, SpongeBob steps outside of his Pineapple house in hopes of getting Squidward to spend some quality playing time with him and Patrick. After repeatedly screaming no, Squidward insists that they leave him alone because that’s what he’d rather be, alone. But SpongeBob, being the optimistic little sponge that he is, continues to aggravate Squidward, not knowing the fate that would soon happen. Squidward decides to run to the fast food restaurant, Krusty Krab and ends up getting himself stuck in the freezer. Sitting on the chilly freezer floor, Squidward thinks to himself that any minute now someone will think of him and come running to his rescue. Minute, hours, days, weeks, and finally years passed before Squidward is ever found. Before he knew it, Bikini Bottom is already into the future. The decked-out, chrome body of futuristic SpongeBob finally found the frozen body of Squidward. But this time instead of one SpongeBob, the future had multiple SpongeBobs ready to cause Squidward more annoyance. Crying with fear, Squidward decides to run back into the freezer. Except this time he ran into the wrong one and ends up getting sliced up vigorously with the can opening machine.
Everything was made out of chrome in the future, but with an ironic twist of fate, the door leading to the freezer had rusted, so Squidward had a hard time opening the door. After getting the door to open, he finds a colorfully decorated time-machine and with the anxieties of multiple SpongeBob’s still on his mind, he jolts into the machine and takes it on one heck of a ride hoping it will make a stop back home. Coming out of the steamy machine, Squidward finds himself in the prehistoric time. He hears an earsplitting sound in the far distance and quickly runs for cover. There they were the SpongeBob and Patrick of the prehistoric time making noise as though they were apes. Drooling with warm saliva, SpongeBob and Patrick made their way to Squidward and took turns taking heavy breaths on him. “I’m going to die—tarder sauce!” thought Squirdward, and the thought of being back home safe and sound with the present day SpongeBob and Patrick sound like the best thing in the world in his mind right then and there. Not caring about where the time machine was going to bring him next, Squidward leaps fearlessly into the machine and anticipates his next destination, once again hoping it was home, in present time with SpongeBob.
At first glance, the next destination is even better than what Squidward had hope for. He was finally in a place where he is, alone. Dully painted white walls and nothing more but the sounds of his own echo’s fills this empty place. Squidward feels that he is finally at peace, and that his wish is finally coming true. He is all by himself, no one to bother him, no yellow, rectangle shaped sponge is going to get in his way of a peaceful evening, ever again. “Alone”, he’d whisper in his head over and over again. He had reached his breaking point, reality hit and he realizes that he no longer wants to be “alone”. Racing back and forth frantically, he knew he had to jump back into that machine and gave it another trial and error before making it home to Bikini Bottom.
With all that he still had left in him, Squidward yearned that that time machine would take him home. His wish finally became the machine’s command, and within a quick flash Squidward made it home where the present day SpongeBob and Patrick was still waiting on him to hang out. In a sense Squidward was still annoyed with the two sea creatures that lived beside him, constantly bothering him to go play. But now he knows the feeling of being alone and not having anyone beside him. So in the end, he realized that he’d rather be with people that love him, but annoy him terribly, then be alone and not have anyone to lean on.
The message that was conveyed through this episode of SpongeBob, might not be obvious to the majority of the viewers, young children, than it is to the adults whom ever now and then need a good laugh from watching SpongeBob. Everyone has been through a situation where they might have taken someone else for granted and slowly but surely realize it later on. It’s clear that Squidward taught us to value friends our friends and that regardless of where a person might be; the memory of a friend can still linger in the mind and ultimately be missed. By being antisocial, Squidward conveys a message that because people don’t care about him, he doesn’t want to be cared for when in reality he does.
In the case of Squidward and SpongeBob, Squidward got driven to the point where he wanted to leave and stop being friends with SpongeBob, but at the end of the episode he realizes that he needs a friend and that everyone needs a pal regardless of the situation they’ve encountered. Children would fight, stop being friends, and end up missing each other and become friends again. It’s a cycle that keeps happening, in all episodes of SpongeBob Square Pants, there is always the scene where Squidward likes to act as though he doesn’t care much for SpongeBob, but never do you see them stop being actual friends. Wanting to be alone all the time isn’t a good thing, and Squidward teaches us that by not staying in his last destination. He made an effort to come back to Bikini Bottom and without outwardly saying it, showed his appreciation for the friendship he still had with SpongeBob and Patrick.