Can anyone please check my essay

[huy_njc]

This is my assignment for Language Art (LA). It is important as it contributes 15% to my final grades of the module. can anyone please check before I submit? Comments are welcome :)
Your task:
Write a 500-700 word essay about a first encounter, for example, your first date, your first encounter with danger, your first taste of freedom, etc. You should employ two or three narrative techniques discussed in class in the writing of your essay. Give your essay a title, and remember to indicate the length of your essay.
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A FIRST INTERVIEW
I was anxious. It was my interview today. My father was waiting outside in the café. The next turn was mine. Today was a very important day as I had a chance to get a scholarship to study oversea. As I came into the room, I definitely felt more nervous. What if they turn me down, I thought. “Relax, just relax and breathe. Fear no evil! Things are going to be fine,” I said to myself.
There were three foreign people sitting in the room. They all looked grave. The room was small, but luxurious.
“Have a seat, please!” one of them smiled. I gave a nervous giggle. My limbs went numb.
At first, they enquired about my personal particulars. I responded not very fluently since it was the first time I talked to foreign people.
“What do you know about our country and why do you choose to study there?” the lady sitting in the center asked, kept smiling at me. Yet I started to get jittery.
The previous days before the interview, I made a list of questions, which I thought the interviewers might ask, and learnt by heart the answers. Now I tried to recall the draft. However, facing the interviewers, I almost forgot everything I had drafted. I stammered badly. My voice quavered when I spoke.
“Come on, we are waiting for you”, the lady said softly. Her face grew graver. Waves of fear overtook me as she slightly knitted her brows. I could hear my heart beating faster as second went by. I had to say something.
I took a deep breath. That was the best way to take back self-confidence. Ignoring the draft, I said whatever came to my mind.
The next questions aimed to test my English, since English was their country’s language of education. Once I felt more confident, I was able to cope quite well. However, one or two times I was tongue-tied for long moments without being able to give the answers for some unprepared questions.
“Studying overseas is perfectly not easy. You will have to do everything yourself. Furthermore, if you can’t adapt quickly with the new system, I’m sure that you’ll be struggling”, the man said. He looked the most austere of the three. “So,” he stressed, “do you still wish to study in our country?” I hesitated for a few seconds. “Yes, sir, I do wish!” I spoke firmly, feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job.
After the interview, they told me to go back and wait for the result. They would call that night to inform me about the outcome. So excited was I that night that I was not able to concentrate on anything. I just sat by the telephone, a bundle of nerves.
At 8 o’clock,
“Reeeeng!” the phone rang. I startled, and then took the phone with my fingers trembling. My heart was thumping fiercely. A sweet voice was talking. “Hello, I’d like to inform you that you’ve been chosen. There is a meeting for successful interviewees at the Central Tower. Please be there before 9 o’clock in the morning”. I could not believe my ears. “Are you sure that was … me?” I asked suspiciously. “Sure, if you are Huy.” She confirmed.
I just wanted to scream. The first people to whom I announced were my parents. We had a great night sharing joy together. It was the happiest moment I ever had.
Going to study overseas was a turning point in my life. Not only did it give me a chance to enjoy one of the world’s best educations, but also to a better future.

Words: 609

[jsladky]

Huy,

I believe my English is slightly better than yours. Please look at my changes:

A FIRST INTERVIEW
I was anxious, as today was my interview day, and my turn was next. My father was waiting outside for me in the café. Today was a very important day as I had a chance to receive a scholarship to study oversea. As I came into the room, I definitely felt more nervous than before. What if they turned me down, I thought. “Relax, just relax and breathe. Fear no evil! Things are going to be fine,” I said to myself.
There were three foreigners sitting in the room, all looked grave. The room was small but luxurious.
“Have a seat, please!” one of them smiled. I gave a nervous giggle. My limbs went numb.
They started to enquire me about my personal information. I responded not very fluently since it was the first time I talked to foreigners.
“What do you know about our country and why do you choose to study there?” the lady sitting in the center asked me. She kept smiling at me, yet I started to get jittery.

Days before the interview, I made a list of questions which I thought the interviewers might ask and remembered the answers by heart. Now, facing the interviewers, I tried to recall what was on the draft but forgot almost everything I wrote. I stammered badly, and my voice quavered when I spoke.

“Come on, we are waiting for you”, the lady said softly. Her face grew graver. As she slightly knitted her brows, waves of fear overtook me,. I could hear my heart beating faster as seconds went by. I had to say something.
I took a deep breath. That was the best way to take back self-confidence. Ignoring the draft, I said whatever came to my mind.
The next few questions were aimed at my English skills, since English was their country’s language. Once I felt more confident, I was able to cope quite well. However, one or two times, facing some unprepared questions, I was tongue-tied for long moments without being able to answer.

“Studying overseas is perfectly not easy. You will have to do everything yourself. Furthermore, if you can’t adapt quickly with the new system, I’m sure that you’ll be struggling”, the man said. He looked the most austere of the threes. “So,” he stressed, “do you still wish to study in our country?” I hesitated for a few seconds. “Yes, sir, I do!” I spoke firmly, feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job.
After the interview, they told me to go home and wait for the result. They would call that night to inform me about the outcome. So excited was I that night that I was not able to concentrate on anything. I just sat by the telephone, a bundle of nerves.

At 8 o’clock, “Riiiiiing!” the phone rang. I startled and took the phone with my fingers trembling (no comma between subject and verb). My heart was thumping fiercely. A sweet voice was talking. “Hello, I’d like to inform you that you’ve been chosen. There is a meeting for successful interviewees at the Central Tower. Please be there before 9 o’clock in the morning”. I could not believe my ears. “Are you sure that was … me?” I asked suspiciously. “Sure, if you are Huy.” She confirmed.

I just wanted to scream and immediately announced to my parents. We shared our joys together that night, and it was one of the happiest moments I had.
Studying overseas was a turning point in my life. It gave me a chance to enjoy not only one of the world’s best educations but also to a better future.

[huy_njc]

Thank you :). Your E is surely better than me. ;)

[Online Tutor]

I have just finished the correction of your essay. True, English isn't my native language, but I have been speaking English quite for a long time, since 1996. And I've been tutoring since 2004. I hope my correction will be useful for you. Good luck!

But define more exactly
the the phrase "feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job". What did you want to mean?


A FIRST INTERVIEW
I was anxious. It would be my first interview today. My father was waiting for me outside in the café. The next turn was mine. Today was a very important day, as I had a chance to get a scholarship to study overseas. As I entered the room, I definitely felt more nervous than before. “What, if they turn me down?” I thought. “Relax, just relax and breathe! Fear no evil! Things are going to be fine,” I said to myself.
There were three foreign people sitting in the room. They all looked grave. The room was small, but luxurious.
“Have a seat, please!” one of them smiled. I giggled nervously. My limbs went numb.
At first, they enquired about my personal features. I answered not very fluently as it was the first time I have talked to foreign people.
“What do you know about our country and why do you choose to study there?” the lady sitting in the center asked me, smiling.
I started to get jittery.

Before the interview, I made a list of questions, which I thought the interviewers might ask, and learnt by heart the answers. Now I tried to recall the draft. However, facing the interviewers, I almost forgot everything I had drafted. I was stammering badly. While I was speaking, my voice quavered.
“Come on, we are waiting for you”, the lady said softly. Her face grew graver. Waves of fear overtook me as she slightly knitted her brows. The more seconds were passing the more my heart was beating. I had to say something.
I took a deep breath. That was the best way to return self-confidence. Ignoring the draft, I told whatever came to my mind.
The next questions aimed at testing my English, since English was a language of education in their country. I felt more confident at once, I was able to manage quite well. However, not being able to answer some unprepared questions one or two times I was tongue-tied for long moments.
“Studying overseas is perfectly not easy. You will have to do everything yourself. Besides, if you can’t adapt quickly the new system, I’m sure that you’ll be struggling”, the man said. He looked most austere of the three. “So,” he stressed, “do you still wish to study in our country?” I hesitated for a few seconds. “Yes, sir, I do wish!” I spoke firmly, feeling relieved that I had finally finished my job.
After the interview, they told me to go back and wait for the result. They would call that night to inform me about the outcome. On that night I was so excited that I was not able to concentrate on anything. I just sat by the telephone with bundle of nerves.
At 8 o’clock,
“Reeeeng!” the phone rang. I startled, and then took the phone with my trembling fingers. My heart was beating fiercely. A sweet voice was talking. “Hello, I’d like to inform you that you’ve been chosen. There is a meeting for successful interviewees at the Central Tower. Please be there before 9 o’clock in the morning”. I could not believe my ears. “Are you sure that was … me?” I asked suspiciously. “Sure, if you are Huy.” She confirmed.
I just wanted to scream. The first people to whom I announced were my parents. On that night we had a great joy together. It was the happiest moment I had ever had.
Going to study overseas was a turning point in my life. It gave me not only a chance to enjoy one of the best educations of the world, but also opportunity of better future.

[huy_njc]

Thank you everyone for helping me improve the essay :). I have been speaking E for ... 5 months, yet I'm still struggling.
@Online Tutor: i meant "feeling relieved that I had finally finished the interview"

[Online Tutor]

correction to "feeling relieved that I had finally finished
the interview"
To my mind you meant the following:
... having relieved, I thought that my interview had finally finished.