A Letter to A Newspaper -Please check for me

[K.N.]

When the 'new towns' in the New Territories, such as Tuen Mun and Ma On Shan, were first planned, it was intended that they should provide a new way of life for their inhibitantsIt was expected that these new towns would be similar to Hong Kong Island and Kowloon in the provision of factilities, and work and educational opportunities.
You believe that these expections have not been fulfilled. Write a letter to the Editor of the Young Post saying why you feel that the new towns have not been successful. Suggest what the government should do to improve the situation. Sign your letter 'Chris Wong'.

Here's my letter,please do check if there is any mistake!(for format,grammar and spelling)(i think there's a lot!)thanks!

Dear Editor,
I am writing to give opinion about the new town plan of the government.The new towns,such as Tuen Mun and Ma On Shan,were firsted planned to be similar to Hong Kong Island and Kowloon.However,until now,Istill cannot see any goals achieved about the plan. There are several reasons:
Firstly,it is not convient enough for people to go such places.People need to spend an hour to go there.The inconvenience to the new town symmbolizes it as an awkward place.
Secondly,there is lack of commercial centres.As you can see,only housing estates are developed there.Becoming a residential area,work opportunites decreases certainly.
Also,the rise in crime in places like Tuen Mun and Yeun Long,is a problem.Since many single parents have lived there,their children are exposed to undesirable element easilydue to lack of parental guidance.That is why so many triad activities there are!
I think the government should cooperate with the railways companys to develop a railway travel through the new towns and Kowloon.Buliding more roads is a kind of solution,too. After easing the problem,it is believeable that more and more people will go into the town.
More commercial centre will be needed to be developed.The government can give out a grant if there is any companys set up their branches in the town.This can balance the proportion of residential land to commercial land in the town, helping clear the image that new town is for residential use only.
To tackle the problem about the high crime rate,the government should put more resources to improve the situation. Any rise in police force is a must.Social workers are also necessary to help the family. Combatted the rise in crime,people will not frown when they talk about the town.
On the whole,all of which is to say,the governmentmust put more efforts into it.I believe that the government hope the town become successful,so I hope it can consider about my suggestions.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

[Tdol]

were firsted- first
cannot see any goals achieved about the plan- cannot see that any of the planned goals has been realised
convient - convenient
The inconvenience to the new town symmbolizes it as an awkward place.- This doesn't work to me- The difficulties of access make them awkward places
housing estates are developed- have been
Becoming a residential area- As a
decreases certainly- certainly decrease
undesirable element- elements
why so many triad activities there are!- whyn there is so much Triad activity
companys- companies
railway travel - railway line
is a kind of solution,too- would also be a solution
it is believeable- possible
More commercial centre will be needed- centres will have to be developed
if there is an- are
set up- setting up
that new town- that the
Any rise in police force is a must- It is essential to increase the size of the police force
the family- families
Combatted the rise in crime,people will not frown when they talk about the town.- If the fight against crime is successful, people will talk more positively...
town become - will
consider about- consider

[curmudgeon]

The problem with letters to newspapers is that they often get edited or shortened. You need to keep them succinct and to the point. Having said that you should also try and lay it out in such a way that helps the editor.
I have attempted to include all the points you made, but it probably is still too long. I hope it helps
Dear Editor,
I write in response to your request for opinions regarding the government’s new town plan for Tuen Mun and Ma On Shan.
Whilst they were originally planned to be similar to Hong Kong Island and Kowloon I am afraid to say that this has not been achieved.
There are several reasons for this. One of the major problems is that they are both isolated. The journey takes over an hour to get there due to lack of an effective public transport infrastructure.
This has unfortunately made people unwilling to live there as it is seen as an awkward and inconvenient place.
Another serious problem is the lack of commercial and industrial centers’. The towns are basically large areas of domestic housing which has the effect of turning them into dormitory areas with no character or diversity. Very boring and not at all helpful in attracting people to the area
As a result the majority of the population is made up of single parent families, with little control over their children. This has resulted in the children being targeted by inscrutable elements such as Triad organisations, causing crime rates to soar. Another deterrent to normal working people.
I think it is important that the Government sits down with the local authorities and develop a robust and effective public transport system, including rail links and roads to Kowloon. Once that is done then people might begin to be interested in going there.
Similarly there needs to be an initiative to attract industrial and commercial activities to the area. This could be achieved by grants and other financial incentives. This will help to change people’s perceptions that there is only residential property there.
Increased policing and access to social services is essential to reduce crime and provide much needed community facilities.
If these steps are taken without delay then I believe that this initiative can get back on track and achieve its initial objectives. I hope that someone somewhere will listen to what I have said
yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

[K.N.]

Originally Posted by curmudgeon

The problem with letters to newspapers is that they often get edited or shortened. You need to keep them succinct and to the point. Having said that you should also try and lay it out in such a way that helps the editor.
I have attempted to include all the points you made, but it probably is still too long. I hope it helps
Dear Editor,
I write in response to your request for opinions regarding the government’s new town plan for Tuen Mun and Ma On Shan.
Whilst they were originally planned to be similar to Hong Kong Island and Kowloon I am afraid to say that this has not been achieved.
There are several reasons for this. One of the major problems is that they are both isolated. The journey takes over an hour to get there due to lack of an effective public transport infrastructure.
This has unfortunately made people unwilling to live there as it is seen as an awkward and inconvenient place.
Another serious problem is the lack of commercial and industrial centers’. The towns are basically large areas of domestic housing which has the effect of turning them into dormitory areas with no character or diversity. Very boring and not at all helpful in attracting people to the area
As a result the majority of the population is made up of single parent families, with little control over their children. This has resulted in the children being targeted by inscrutable elements such as Triad organisations, causing crime rates to soar. Another deterrent to normal working people.
I think it is important that the Government sits down with the local authorities and develop a robust and effective public transport system, including rail links and roads to Kowloon. Once that is done then people might begin to be interested in going there.
Similarly there needs to be an initiative to attract industrial and commercial activities to the area. This could be achieved by grants and other financial incentives. This will help to change people’s perceptions that there is only residential property there.
Increased policing and access to social services is essential to reduce crime and provide much needed community facilities.
If these steps are taken without delay then I believe that this initiative can get back on track and achieve its initial objectives. I hope that someone somewhere will listen to what I have said
yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

THANK YOU SO MUCH!I AM TOUCHED THAT YOU HELP ME SO MUCH!!
But for some sentances,I don't understand:
Do we need a "," in "Whilst they were originally planned to be similar to Hong Kong Island and Kowloon I am afraid to say that this has not been achieved.","If these steps are taken without delay then I believe that this initiative can get back on track and achieve its initial objectives. "?
Is "Very boring and not at all helpful in attracting people to the area
As a result the majority of the population is made up of single parent families, with little control over their children. " a one sentence?
Why does this sentence "Another deterrent to normal working people." not have any verbs?
Should "is" in "Increased policing and access to social services is essential to reduce crime and provide much needed community facilities." replace by "are"?
I'm so sorry for any inconvenience,but I really thank you that you just do so much for me!
I will write a composition or essay every day,can you check them for me too?I really want to improve my English!
Thank you very much!

[K.N.]

Originally Posted by tdol

were firsted- first
cannot see any goals achieved about the plan- cannot see that any of the planned goals has been realised
convient - convenient
The inconvenience to the new town symmbolizes it as an awkward place.- This doesn't work to me- The difficulties of access make them awkward places
housing estates are developed- have been
Becoming a residential area- As a
decreases certainly- certainly decrease
undesirable element- elements
why so many triad activities there are!- whyn there is so much Triad activity
companys- companies
railway travel - railway line
is a kind of solution,too- would also be a solution
it is believeable- possible
More commercial centre will be needed- centres will have to be developed
if there is an- are
set up- setting up
that new town- that the
Any rise in police force is a must- It is essential to increase the size of the police force
the family- families
Combatted the rise in crime,people will not frown when they talk about the town.- If the fight against crime is successful, people will talk more positively...
town become - will
consider about- consider

Thank you very much!I'm so happy that you spend your time to check it for me!I still have questions:
Is 'give out a grant' correct?
Is 'railways companys' correct?


I'm so sorry for any inconvenience,but I really thank you that you just do so much for me!
I will write a composition or essay every day,can you check them for me too?I really want to improve my English!
Thank you very much!

[curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by K.N.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!I AM TOUCHED THAT YOU HELP ME SO MUCH!!
But for some sentances,I don't understand:
Do we need a "," in "Whilst they were originally planned to be similar to Hong Kong Island and Kowloon I am afraid to say that this has not been achieved.","If these steps are taken without delay then I believe that this initiative can get back on track and achieve its initial objectives. "?
Is "Very boring and not at all helpful in attracting people to the area
As a result the majority of the population is made up of single parent families, with little control over their children. " a one sentence?
Why does this sentence "Another deterrent to normal working people." not have any verbs?
Should "is" in "Increased policing and access to social services is essential to reduce crime and provide much needed community facilities." replace by "are"?
I'm so sorry for any inconvenience,but I really thank you that you just do so much for me!
I will write a composition or essay every day,can you check them for me too?I really want to improve my English!
Thank you very much!

Yes, a comma after Kowloon and after delay
No, should be a full stop after area then new paragraph - The sentence 'very boring etc is not grammatically correct. perhaps it would be better to use it thus....
.....no character or diversity - very boring and...........

Another deterrent etc. is a fragment! (me thinking rather than writing)
better would be.... This is anothere deterrent..

Id stick with is, but are would be aceptable. This to me is a matter of choice, but I will stand corrected

You see you need to read over things I'm sure if you did it again you could probably fine tune it a bit more.