Please check my fundraising letter

[bbmak]

Hi:

Question.1 Can you check my grammar see if i miss anything

Question.2 Do you think my subject title a little bit plain? if yes, can you give me some suggestions

Question.3 Which openers should I use?
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Do you want to save a good sum of money on your tax bill while at the same time helping some people who are in very serious need of your help?

OR

Congratulations! This is YOUR LUCKY DAY because you are being given the opportunity to save a good sum of money on your tax bill while at the same time helping some people who are in very serious need of your help.
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Question.4 Any comment or suggestion on my fundraising letter


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Subject: Thanksgiving Dinner Fundraising.

Do you want to save a good sum of money on your tax bill while at the same time helping some people who are in very serious need of your help?

Keeping to tradition, Buckeye Bread Basket, a nonprofit organization, would like to assist our community this year by hosting its Annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for the needy people, providing a free thanksgiving meal to them. More than 400 people are expected to attend the dinner, both families with children, and single member families.

However, today's tough economic conditions make it difficult for Buckeye Bread Basket to meet those needs without help from people like you. We will hold our holiday fund-raising sale of greeting cards to help raise the necessary funds. The greeting cards come in boxes of ten with green envelopes and feature an original watercolor scene, created by a famous Ohio artist.
Please share the many blessings you will enjoy on Thanksgiving Day. We would like to ask your help in raising money for our annual Thanksgiving Day dinner by simply purchasing these wonderful holiday greeting cards. With your purchase, you will receive a tax deductible receipt. For the price of $24.50, the money from the sale of a single box can feed a hungry family of four on Thanksgiving. Please place your orders by simply using the enclosed form and return envelope. Should you require further information, please contact 1-000-000-0000 by phone or at our mailing address.
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thank you for reading my letter

[RonBee]

I hope you don't get peeved with me for making too many corrections.

Originally Posted by bbmak

Subject: Thanksgiving Dinner Fundraising.

Do you want to save a good sum of money on your tax bill while at the same time helping some people who are in very serious need of your help?

Try:

Do you want to save a lot of money on your tax bill while at the same time helping some people who are in very serious need of your help?

Originally Posted by bbmak

Keeping to tradition, Buckeye Bread Basket, a nonprofit organization, would like to assist our community this year by hosting its Annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for the needy people, providing a free thanksgiving meal to them. More than 400 people are expected to attend the dinner, both families with children, and single member families.

"Keeping to tradition" is, I think, okay, but you might want to try "In keeping with tradition" or In keeping with Thanksgiving tradition".

Instead of "for the needy people" say "for needy people".


Say:

both families with children and single people

Or:

both families with children and singles

Originally Posted by bbmak

However, today's tough economic conditions make it difficult for Buckeye Bread Basket to meet those needs without help from people like you. We will hold our holiday fund-raising sale of greeting cards to help raise the necessary funds. The greeting cards come in boxes of ten with green envelopes and feature an original watercolor scene, created by a famous Ohio artist.

OK

Originally Posted by bbmak

Please share the many blessings you will enjoy on Thanksgiving Day. We would like to ask your help in raising money for our annual Thanksgiving Day dinner by simply purchasing these wonderful holiday greeting cards. With your purchase, you will receive a tax deductible receipt. For the price of $24.50, the money from the sale of a single box can feed a hungry family of four on Thanksgiving. Please place your orders by simply using the enclosed form and return envelope. Should you require further information, please contact 1-000-000-0000 by phone or at our mailing address.

In the first sentence, prefer celebrate to enjoy. In the second sentence, delete simply. For the fourth sentence, try:

The money from the sale of a single box ($24.50) can feed a hungry family of four on Thanksgiving.

For the last sentence, try:

Should you require further information, please contact us at 1-000-000-0000 by phone or at our mailing address.

Or:

Should you require further information, please call us at 1-000-000-0000 or contact us at our mailing address.

What do you think?