a letter welcome to be corrected

[leolyy]

Any corrections about the grammar or even the tone are highly appreciated... :



Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a customer of your department store and writing to complain about the unsatisfactory product of the store. I would be grateful if adequate attention could be given. Below is the detail.

the detail.. .. ..

I would like you to deal with the incident as soon as possible. Here is my request that I hope to be reasonably considered. (request .. ..)

I enclose the model number of the CD player for you to check, as well as my telephone number. A prompt reply would be appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Chengwei Liu

[Mariner]

Your letter was more or less clean, without many grammatical errors, but I took the liberty to alter some things for greater readability. Overall, remember the KISS rule— Keep It Short and Simple


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a customer of your department store and I am writing to complain about a product of your store that I found unsatisfactory.

Last Friday I bought a CD player from your store. This morning I was listening to music, when suddenly the CD player stopped working. I tried some other discs to check if something was wrong with the disc. Unfortunately, the player still failed to start. It is evident that the CD player is faulty. As the time since the purchase does not exceed one week, I would like you to replace my CD player with a new one.

I enclose the model number of the CD player for you to check, as well as my telephone number. Your prompt reply would be appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Chengwei Liu

[leolyy]

Thanks Mariner,

your KISS rule sounds interesting, where did you get that?
what do you mean by "took the liberty"?

in my fist paragraph, "unsatisfactory product" is shorter and simpler, then why you made the modification?

in the 2nd one, why you put "suddenly" after "when"?

well, so many questions again, hehe, and i notice you have deleted the 3rd paragraph, which i do have some unclear points, such as:

"I would like you to.." is this expression too demanding or just equal to "I hope you could.."?

"Here is my request that I hope to be reasonably considered." is this one quite ok or too wordy or something?

actually, this is a complaint letter I wrote for the preparation for the ielts test, not a real one.


thanks

Chengwei Liu

[Mariner]

your KISS rule sounds interesting, where did you get that?

From a professor, but you can read details here
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/KISS_Principle

"took the liberty"

It means something like "I decided to"

in my fist paragraph, "unsatisfactory product" is shorter and simpler, then why you made the modification?

If you write "complain about the unsatisfactory product of the store", as you originally had, it sounds as if you refer to a product that the person knows already, e.g. if you have already talked to the person about it. On the other hand, if you write "complain about an unsatisfactory product of the store", that sounds slightly better, but still I would rephrase the sentence.

in the 2nd one, why you put "suddenly" after "when"?

Although not necessarily wrong, it sounds much more natural to put it right after "when"

Regarding "I would like you to" or "I hope you could", it's all a matter of cultural background, really. I mean, if you're a customer, the store is kinda obliged to offer you service, so I definately think "I would like you to" is appropriate. "I hope you could" is also correct, of course.

"Here is my request that I hope to be reasonably considered."
I wouldn't include this sentence at all (KISS-it is obvious that the store will--or at least should!--consider your request)

Grammatically, the correct way would be: "Here is my request, which I hope will be carefully considered"

[leolyy]

Many thanks to Mariner, i think i've learned a lot from your posts, which are quite detailed.

chengwei liu