Online Games in VietNam ?

[hookeba]

Please check my essay, thank a lot !


Recent years have witnessed the phenomenal rise of online games in Vietnam with a wide range of games continously launched on the market. Hundreds of online game services mushroomed in large cities to cater to thousands of game-addicted youngters. The proliferation of online games has spark a controversy over whether or not they should be facilitated. In my opinion, online games in VietNam should be banned outright to keep their harmful implications on the Vietnamese youth at bay.

Firstly, there exists in Vietnam a stark reality that more and more pupils and students spent days and nights playing online games at the expense of theirs studies. Mainstream newspapers in Vietnam have cited many stories in which pupils secretly play online games when they are supposed to be studying at schools. What is more, they even attain money to play by telling lies to their parents or stealing from others. In Vietnam, online games have long been the bane of many parents who have children.

Secondly, online games proved to be have addictive and detrimental impacts on those who play. Instead of taking part in social activities, game players stick to computer screen and communicate to other players through faceless nicks and avatars. They immerse themself in a fantasy world whereas eveything is unreal, digitally-designed and lifeless. There was a handful of reported cases in which exhausted players were sent to hospital due to playing too much yet sleeping too little. A sudden dealth of a gamer due to heart-attack while playing overnight has turned on the alarm bell to everyone over the inherent risk of online games.

Thirdly, Vietnamese gamer community usually boast their achievements in international contests. They heap much raise on little goodsides of online games while concealing its several drawbacks. They carve out a misleading image of a "pro-gamer" who earns thousands of dollars by just playing games. They intentionally obscure a fact that: Vietnam has yet to have a profession called "gamer". It is next to impossible to find out any online gamers in Vietnam who can earn their livings by playing online games days and nights.

On the whole, online games induces Vietnamese youth by giving them a surreal world where they can become heros from zero and exert theirs superiorities over other players. The reality will soon shatter their illusions and bring them back to the real world. Online game is nothing but a drug to Vietnamese youth and thus, they should be forbidden for Vietnamese youth's good.

[hookeba]

Teacher, where are you ? Please please please help

[Tdol]

Look at the tenses in the first paragraph- why are you using the past tense with 'mushroomed'? Has it stopped, also check for the verb in the present perfect without the past participle.

[hookeba]

Thank you teacher. I am rather weak at verb tenses. BTW, is that what's needed to correct ? How about the structure, the style and word usage ?

Please help me teacher.

[Nguyen Tuyet]

Originally Posted by hookeba

Thank you teacher. I am rather weak at verb tenses. BTW, is that what's needed to correct ? How about the structure, the style and word usage ?

Please help me teacher.

It seems you translate word by word from vietnamese to english

[hookeba]

If that is the case, please help me to improve it, teacher. PLease point out which sentences needs to be rewrited.

[Tdol]

OK, let's look at this:

Firstly, there exists in Vietnam a stark reality that more and more pupils and students spent days and nights playing online games at the expense of theirs studies.

There are two actual mistakes- spent and theirs. It should be present tense, because they still do it, and we should use the possessive adjective their before a noun- theirs is a pronoun and replaces the noun. So, the sentence is actually fairly good grammatically. however, it doesn't read very naturally to me, so let's see how we can change it. I like the phrase 'stark reality', so we'll keep it, but I don't like 'there exists' much. I would say something like this:

The stark reality in Vietnam is that more and more....

Much of your writing is good, but there are parts where the meaning is obscure, so it is more a matter of working on phrasing than anything to me.

Here's an example:
They heap much raise on little goodsides of online games while concealing its several drawbacks.
OK, 'raise' should be 'praise' and 'goodsides' in not one word, and formally, we shouldn't use 'little' with a plural.

They heap praise on the few good points of online games, while concealing their many drawbacks.

That sounds clearer to me.

What you should do in my opinion, is:
a) Watch out for tenses- you seem to use the past on a few occasions where the present simple or present perfect would be better. If it is in present time, use the present and if it began in the past but is still imortant or hasn't finshed, use the present perfect (progressive)
b) Check prepositions (boast of/about)
c) Be`acreful with vocab- you use 'whereas' incorrectly- it's not the same as 'where'
d) I would suggest being careful about the vocabulary. It seems at times that you are trying a bit too hard and overloading sentences with flashy words to catch the eye. I would recommend being a bit more judicious with this.

Organisation and structure are good. My general advice it try to keep the vocab a bit simpler and avoid the temptation to hit me with so many words.

[hookeba]

Thank you a lot, teacher. I wonder if you could show me some words I used that are flashy and needed to be omitted. I would be very obliged.

[Tdol]

OK:
They immerse themself in a fantasy world whereas eveything is unreal,
Firstly, it should be 'themselves' and where', but in a fantasy world everything is unreal, so it seems unnecessary to me to use both. So, you could say:
They immerse themselves in a fantasy world
They immerse themself in a world where eveything is unreal,
Or something like that, which would be a bit clearer to me.