Pls help to edit my first essay, Thanks（Why still nobody edit it? PLS help)

[wuwei]

This is my first essay, pls help to edit it, thanks

Changing your job frequently, is it benefit or not?
In the talking with one of my friends about how to promote ourself quickly, we found there are two different ways to achieve it, "we can do the same work in one company about one or two years, and then you must change your job soon, you can get a high position than the present one because of your more experience", contrasting with it is that We should do the same job in one position more longer, because we can get more detail knowledges and skills to meet the requirements of some further positions.
Different position requires different skills, so we can always challenge ourselves during the working, we can find the better approaches to complete our abilities more easily with the specific requirements, every day is new so that you can always keep your passion to face verything, you will be absorbed in solving new problems with some creative solutions, and then proceed to an other one with the feeling of sucess. If you are always on one position, do the same work day by day, you will lose your creativities and passion, and even to sink in some unnormal situations.
One the other hands, we should improve ourselves according the rules of some higher position, if we meet the requirments, we can proceed to get a better job with higher salaries and honors. so much so that you will not always bear the higher pressures, and will be happy to do everything with enough skills, and never be lose your heart when you fail to achieve your goals.
In fact, in these opinions, we can find the advantage point is that they all want to improve themselves, but over time, the different ways will come equally to one point, promotion.

[Tdol]

I'll start:
In the talking with- no article Better: When talking with
promote ourself - you don't promote yourselves (plural), you get promoted
"we can do the same work in one company about one or two years, and then you- we/you mix-up

[wuwei]

Thanks, Tdol,
This is my first time to write a assey here, thanks for your tireless help.
Ian

[Tdol]

you can get a high position than- comparative
contrasting with it is that We should do the same job- in contrast to this, we could...
more longer- don't use 'more' with an -er comparative
detail knowledges- detailed knowledge
Different position requires- plural (verb and noun)
during the working- when working
we/you- you must stick to one, changing them is confusing
an other one- another one
on one position, do- in...doing
One the other hands- hand
higher position,- ;
never be lose your heart- never lose heart

[wuwei]

Thanks a mass, Tdol, maybe I should check it first again and again by myself before I post it.
Thanks for your patience.
Ian

[wuwei]

Thanks a mass, Tdol, maybe I should check it first again and again by myself before I post it.
Thanks for your patience.
Ian

[marimia]

Well, I thought I sent a reply, but maybe I was not logged in.

Hi! I found this site by accident. I'm taking a course in teaching English in a foreign country, and I plan to go to China or some other Asian country. I thought I'd answer you because you sounded like you needed it, and because I thought it would be good practice for me. So...

1) Watch your punctuation. Your title and other sentences use a comma (,) between two different thoughts, instead of a period (.) Your title should not have a comma before "is". Either you can use a colon (:) and 2 spaces where the comma is (which implies the second half of the sentence elaborates on the first part), or put a period before 'is' and capitalize it as "Is" in order to show it is a new sentence.

2) ... talking to one of my friends... then ... how to promote ourself. Using "ourself" makes it sound as though you and your friend are one person. It sould be "ourselves" or "oneself". Using "oneself" implies an anonymous person or persons, which can refer to more than one person.

Also you say, "Different position...". It should be either "A different position..." or "Different positions", depending on whether you are talking about one position or more than one. This is a frequent error in English, so check over your whole essay to be sure you have the singular or plural used correctly.

Make sure you use paragraphs when you change subjects, and always double space when you start a new paragraph. You can also indent the first word of a new paragraph with five (5) spaces, but that is a style and is not necessary in most cases. You did pretty well with this, but didn't double space, which makes it hard to tell that you mean to change to a new paragraph.

3) Watch your verb use. Some verbs are necessary and others aren't. A case in point: you don't need the verb "be" in "...and never be lose your heart...". "...never lose your heart..." is ok because "lose" is a verb by itself and doesn't need a helping verb like "be". If you want to use "be", you could say "...never be sick at heart...", but that's not exactly the same as "losing heart", which implies giving up because you feel so bad.

I know English has many quirks (strange, contradictory rules), and it is very difficult to learn.

But, all in all, you did a good job. And it is a very good essay.

Good luck!

marimia

[wuwei]

Hi, Marimia,
So appreciate for your help. Welcome to China!

Below is the re-writed essay, pls check again.

Changing your job frequently. Is it benefit?
When talking with one of my friends about how to promote oneself quickly, we found that there were two different ways to achieve it.
"I can do the same work in a company about one or two years, then I must change my job to get a higher position because of my advanced experiece". Different positions require different skills, one can always challenge himself during the working, he also can find the better approaches to complete his abilities more easily with some specific requirements. Every day is new so that he will keep his passion to face everything and be absorbed in solving new problems with some creative solutions, then proceed to another one with the feeling of success. If always doing the same work day by day, he maybe will lose his creativities and passion, and even to sink in some unnormal situations.
In contrast to that, one can and should do in a position much longer, so much so that he can get more detailed knowledges and skills to meet the requirements of some further positions. On the present position, he should do his job with thoughts of a higher position. If doing all work easily, He can go ahead to get a higher one with a better salaries and honors. By this way, he will not bear tough pressures, he will be happy to do everything with enough skills, and never lose heart when he fail to achieve his goals.
Comparing with those two ideas each other, we can find the advantage point is that they all want to improve themselves, but over time, the different ways will come equally to one point, promotion.

Thanks for your attention!
BTW:
1\ Can I use the short phrase which is highlighted above in the sentence? If can not, could you pls tell me some exact words?
2\I doubled space before each paragraphes, but it came to the first space when I posted it, maybe it is the problem of the website. Thanks for your reminding!

Ian

[nataliexfaye]

If it is and essay for school, never use you, I, or me in it at all.

[wuwei]

Thanks, Nataliexfaye.
Could you give me some details about your comments in my previous essay? And could you tell me why?
E.g.
We( Here should be with "I" because of only one person) go to school by bus
Thanks and regards!
Ian