Essay IELTS task2 please help

[dadimo]

Who is so nice to correct my essay? I have the IELTS in a few days,
thanks in advance for your help.

"In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing.
Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society?


The elderly constitute in many countries of the world and in most of the western countries a big part of the entire population, because the birth rate is in these areas close to zero. People live healthier and as a consequence longer and there is not the so called “generation renewing”.

On the one hand, we could state that such a trend influences negatively the society, as far as pension system and labour market are concerned. People work normally for 30 years and pay the due taxes over this length of time and as soon as they retire they get their monthly pension that is supposed to be proportionate to the paid taxes. If these same people who retire live for, as an example, 30 years more, how is the system supposed to cope with that? A question that is hard to answer. Furthermore, most of the elderly keep their jobs for as long as they are able to manage and by doing so they prevent other younger people from occupying the same posts or working with the same, when not better, qualifications.

On the other hand, though the scenario seems to show no positive aspects in this trend, we can not fail to say how important older people are for our society. They support families in many ways. Firstly, single parents or parents who are occupied with their works could not manage to take care at the same time of their children without the help of their old parents. Secondly, some elderly volunteer full time and by doing so they give a lot to others and to the society as well. As we can see, these are very important roles that mainly old people decide to take on and we can not but consider them necessary.

In conclusion, we can without any doubt state that elderly remain a necessary part of the society, even though in many cases they are not considered useful, but rather an obstacle to the economical growth and to the career of younger people."

[aous02]

*In many countries the proportion..(there be no comma)
*In many countries all over the world, mainly western countries, the eldery make up....
*(Whenever using "and" to link 2 sentences, a comma is nessecary. check your essay)
* If these same people who retire live for,say,....
*....working with the same, when not better, qualifications ( it has no meaning or may be it lacks a verb. try to state it differently)
(Don't forget that one day you'll be old)
****PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL WITH YOU PUNCTUATION*******
-----lOTS OF MISSED COMMAS-----

[dadimo]

Thanks a lot,

Davide