editing of passage

[kohyoongliat]

Could someone please edit this passage meant Year-2 students for me. Thanks in advance.

One day, a boy and his sister, who are from a rich family, were walking in the park when they saw a thin and frail elderly man. He was wearing tattered and torn clothes. He was sleeping under a tree. His old and dirty shoes were beside him.

The children were sad on seeing such a poor man. They decided to help him by giving him some money. So they put twenty dollars in one of his shoes. They knew that he would be happy when he saw the money.

As they wanted to make sure that no one took his money, they sat on a nearby bench. They also wanted to find out how the man would react when he saw the money.

About half an hour later, he woke up. When he was about to put on his shoes, he was surprised to see the money in his left shoe. He wondered who had given him the money. He was very happy because he could use the money to buy some food for himself. He had not had his breakfast yet. After putting on his shoes, he stood up and walked away. The children followed him as they wanted to find out where he would go. The man went to the nearly food centre to have breakfast. After the food was served, he ate it quickly. He must have been very hungry, the children thought.

They were happy that they had done a good deed. When they returned home, they told their mother what they had done. Their mother was glad that her children were kind-hearted. She told them, “I’m proud of both of you. Instead of using all your money to buy things for yourselves, you’ve used some of your money to help a poor man.”

Ivy said, “Mum, he looks so weak and poor. We felt sorry for him. That’s why we decided to give him some money.”

Jack said, “Mum, if you had been there, I think you would have done the same thing.”

Their mother smiled.

[Anglika]

Looks fine - some minor changes might help:


One day, a boy and his sister, from a rich family, were walking in the park when they saw a thin and frail elderly man.

They decided to help him by giving him some money, so they put twenty dollars in one of his shoes.

They also wanted to find out how the man would react [what the man would do] when he saw the money.

Ivy said, “Mum, he looked so weak and poor.

[kohyoongliat]

Thanks, Anglika.

I will amend the passage using your words. However, I would like to ask the following question.

One day, a boy and his sister, who are from a rich family, were walking in the park when they saw a thin and frail elderly man. He was wearing tattered and torn clothes.

Is it okay to use 'are'? Should 'were' be used instead?

Thanks in advance.

[Anglika]

I would use "were" in this passage. You have not used the present tense otherwise, so keep the same tense. Dropping it avoids the problem!

[kohyoongliat]

Thanks, Anglika.

Just one last question:

Can I presume this is a true story and use 'are'? Would it be grammatically possible? This is what always puzzles me.

Thanks in advance.

[Anglika]

Yes, you can, but stylistically I think it does not work very well.

[kohyoongliat]

I see. Thanks, Anglika.