My IELTS essay~PLZ help me revise it~

[Echo_Wen]

following is my essay...my teacher said that my supporting sentenses were not good ....so she gave me just band 5 ,I have to get band 6...could u plz revise it?thanks a lot~~



With the development of modern science and technology,some aspects of traditional culture are being lost,so some think that the traditional culture and technology will replace by the modern science and technology such as computer or internet,what is your opinion?(topic)



What the modern science and technology flooding into our daily life, some hold the view that the prosperity of modern science and technology must be accompanied by a decline of traditional culture and technology. In my opinion, this point of view is absolutely wrong.
Throughout the history, traditional culture and technology played a critical role in our society. Without them, human being can newer develop the curiosity to explore the truth, which is the motivation for people to found modern science and technology. Furthermore, no one can deny that the historic value of traditional culture and technology is a great fortune nowadays and nothing can take their place for hundreds of years.
It is a fact that modern science and technology make our life more convenient and swift, which cannot be brought by the traditional ones. However, it doesn’t mean that there is no benefit which can be gained by the traditional ones. For example, as China becomes the host country of 2008 Olympic Games, more and more foreigners are willing to come to China. And it is the long and rich history and culture that addict people to get to know about China. Furthermore, handicrafts such as kite and ancient Palaces like Summer Palace still occupy a vital place in our life and economy.
Frankly speaking, it is a fact that some of the traditional ones cannot adapt to the modem society compared with the modern science and technology, which truly bring us not only the terrific function but also negative impacts, for instance widening the relation gaps between people in real world.
In conclusion, for reasons above, I do not favour the viewpoint that the development of modern science and technology will lead to even a reduction of the tradition ones. Instead, the modern science and technology should be used to protect the traditional ones, whose value cannot be replaced by anything, to exist to honour our ancestors and pass on to our descendants.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Echo_Wen

As the development of modern science ans technology,some aspects of traditional culture are being lost,so some think that the traditional culture and technology will replaces by the modern science and technology such as computer or internet,what is your opinion?(topic)

Below is the text with parts that need to be changed highlighted.

As the development of modern science ans technology,some aspects of traditional culture are being lost,so some think that the traditional culture and technology will replaces by the modern science and technology such as computer or internet,what is your opinion?

You need to space after commas and make separate sentences where necessary.

~R

[Echo_Wen]

and........could u pls give me some corrections in detail?........

thanks a lot.........

[RonBee]

With the development of modern science and technology, some aspects of traditional culture are being lost....

[Echo_Wen]

well thanks a lot and i will rewrite it ...

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Echo_Wen

With the development of modern science and technology,some aspects of traditional culture are being lost,so some think that the traditional culture and technology will replace by the modern science and technology such as computer or internet,what is your opinion?(topic)

Try:

With the development of modern science and technology, some aspects of traditional culture are being lost, so some think that traditional culture and technology will be replaced by modern science and technology such as computers or the Internet. What is your opinion?

Originally Posted by Echo_Wen

What the modern science and technology flooding into our daily life, some hold the view that the prosperity of modern science and technology must be accompanied by a decline of traditional culture and technology. In my opinion, this point of view is absolutely wrong.

Try:

Some hold the view that the ascent of modern science and technology must be accompanied by the decline of traditional culture and technology. In my opinion, that point of view is absolutely wrong.

That's the kind of thing you need to do. Now, please don't make any more changes in the original.

(I am not supposed to do anybody's homework for them unless I am really bored. )

~R