Could you please correct my IELTS essay?

mesh2005 · #1 (**permalink**) 13-Aug-2007, 10:09

I'm taking the IELTS (General) in September. I'm trying to prepare myself for the test, and I'd like to ask for your help guys. Hopefully you can correct my essay.

Here is the description of the writing task:

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?

and here is my essay:

Using computers has been increasing dramatically since the 1990s or more specifically after the Internet was introduced to the public. Moving towards automation and computer technology has become a sign of today's lifestyle. From simple tasks to complex tasks, computers has been involved in almost every aspect of industries, services and even people's life.

Computers and Internet helped building a large connected globe, sharing information without borders and facilitating the usual tasks humans used to do themselves. No one can deny the positive effects computers have on our lives; however, it is necessary to consider carfully the bad effects as well. Many of us become addicted to computer in such a way we can't live without them or more worse, we use it to do primitive tasks like adding two numbers!

Computers helped modern people to become lazy, since they don't have to spend long time doing tasks that are now done in minutes or even seconds. Making life easier is a noble adjective, but wasting time is not at all.

Based on the current advances in computer technologies, it is expected that we will be more dependant on computers in the future. As mentioned previously, this will make life easier for many of us, but probably may lead to more and more problems than those currently exist. For example, using computers in factories results in reducing the number of workers and that leads to increasing the unemployment rate. Moreover, introducing new technologies into our life adds new challenges against the developing countries, since new technologies require financial support which is not available for everyone of us.

JLP · #2 (**permalink**) 14-Aug-2007, 04:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by mesh2005

I'm taking the IELTS (General) in September. I'm trying to prepare myself for the test, and I'd like to ask for your help guys. Hopefully you can correct my essay.

Here is the description of the writing task:

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?

and here is my essay:

[The use of] computers has been increasing dramatically since the 1990s, or more specifically, after the Internet was introduced to the public. Moving towards automation and computer technology has become a sign of today's lifestyle. From simple tasks to complex tasks, computers has been involved in almost every aspect of industry, providing services, and people's [lives in general].

Computers and [the] Internet [have helped us in] building a large connected globe, sharing information without borders, and facilitating the usual tasks humans used to do themselves. No one can deny the positive effects computers have on our lives; however, it is necessary to consider [carefully] the bad effects as well. Many of us become addicted to computer in such a way [that] we can't live without them. [Even worse, sometimes] we use [them] to do primitive tasks like adding two numbers!

Computers helped modern people to become lazy, since they don't have to spend long time doing tasks that are now done in minutes or even seconds. Making life easier is a noble adjective [the word you want here is "objective"; the word "adjective" refers to a word used to describe a noun], but wasting time is not.

Based on the current advances in computer technologies, it is expected that we will be more [dependent] on computers in the future. As mentioned previously, this will make life easier for many of us, but probably may lead to more and more problems than those [that] currently exist. For example, using computers in factories results in reducing the number of workers and that leads to increasing the unemployment rate. Moreover, introducing new technologies into our life adds new challenges against the developing countries, since new technologies require financial support which is not available [to all] of us.

I have put some suggestions and explanations in brackets; I would pay particular attention to spelling and word choice. In addition, I interpolated a few words and phrases to help it flow better (ie, sound more native). Let me know what you think.