Another IELTS essay, could you please correct?

[mesh2005]

Task:

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

Essay:

Children's education is definetly important and vital to build their future. Getting started in life, discovering the surrounding community and improving the social skills are very important abilities that can be developed if the education system is well-planned and effective. Although children need special educational methods, it is believed that children learn easier than adults.


Despite the great importance of educational activities, focusing on education only can affect negatively on children's performance and willing to learn. children want to enjoy their freedom and to be given the chance to practice the activities they like; however, that should be done under the supervision of their parents or sponsors.


The lack of parenting experience and incorrect beliefs promoted by media, are two main reasons behinds why many of us think that the only way to grow up children, is following a strict serious of educational activities.


In fact, education is not the only key player in growing up children. Other activities like sport, social and cultural activities can significantly affect on personality and knowledge. The objective is to increase the children's knowledge and experience, and that can be accomplished by building a comprehensive system which incorporates all kinds of useful activities like educational, social and cultural activities.


Personally, I believe we should not overwhelm our children, we should give them a chance to learn indirectly under our supervision through the activities they like. Co-operation between home and school is necessary. Also, parents should monitor their children's performance to help choosing the suitable activities for their children.

[JLP]

Originally Posted by mesh2005

Task:

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

Essay:

[The education of children] is definetly [the correct spelling is"definitely"] important and vital to [building] their future[s]. Getting [children] started in life, [enabling them to discover] the surrounding community, and improving [their] social skills are [all] very important abilities that can be developed [by an effective and well-planned educational system]. Although children need special educational methods, it is believed that children learn [more easily] than adults.

Despite the great importance of educational activities, focusing [only] on education can [I would be inclined to say either "negatively affect" or "have a negative effect on" here] children's performance and [their willingness] to learn. Children want to enjoy their freedom and to be given the chance to practice the activities they like; however, [this] should be done under the supervision of their parents or sponsors.

Lack of parenting experience and [the] incorrect beliefs promoted by [the] media are two [of the] main reasons many of us think that the only way to [raise] children is [by] following a strict serious ["series" is the correct word here, and describes a sequence of events; "serious" is the word for "important" or "grave"] of educational activities.

In fact, education is not the only key player in [raising] children. Other activities like sport[s] [and] social and cultural activities can [also] significantly affect personality and knowledge. The objective [should always be] to increase the children's knowledge and experience, and that can be accomplished by building a comprehensive system which incorporates all kinds of useful activities.

Personally, I believe we should not overwhelm our children, we should give them a chance to learn indirectly under our supervision through the activities they like [This sentence contains a comma splice. One way to correct this problem would be to split the sentence into two, perhaps by placing a period after "children" and beginning the next sentence using "Rather,..." or "Instead,..."]. Co-operation between home and school is necessary. Also, parents should monitor their children's performance to help [them choose] the [most] suitable activities for their children.

I recommend paying attention to spelling and word choice; some explanations are in the brackets. I would also point out that "to grow up" is not normally used in the sense of "to raise," at least not in this context.

In the last paragraph, there was also a comma splice, which occurs when two independent sentences are joined only by a comma. This is considered incorrect in formal written English, so I included a possible revision there as well.

[mesh2005]

Thank you my friend for all your help :)