I would love some teacher feedback

[Heatherev]

I am doing a quick study in English Comp to prepare for the college CLEP test. I am practicing my essay skills with sample essay topics. This will not be turned in and in fact I am not enrolled in a class at this time. This is just reminder practice.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you may have to help me improve.

Please keep in mind that I will only have 45 minutes to prepare and write and edit the essay during the exam. Therefor I am practicing with that time constraint. We also will have no research materials and of course, we will not know the topic until the exam begins.

The first topic stated in my sample list was: It's better to grow up in a small town than in a city. Agree or Disagree.

If you are willing to give me some input you will find my first essay below (I had trouble attaching). In addition to any advice and grammar errors you find relevant, I was hoping to learn an answer to these questions:

1. Can old adages/idioms go in quotations? As if they are being said?
2. Should I spend time and space pointing out the cons of the opposite side of the argument, or just promote my end?
3. When is it ok to list examples within parenthesis? She loves fruit (apples, oranges and pears) but they upset her stomach. Is this correct or should I omit the parenthesis and use commas?

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.
Heather
30 year old freshman! :)

There has always been an important child-rearing debate: Does a child benefit more from being raised in a city or in a small town? I believe that it is better to grow up in a small town than in a city. In a small town there is often a strong community spirit, giving a child a stronger home base. Small towns don’t have big city problems, so they tend to be better able to handle joint community needs; small towns also have a lower crime rate.

The small town community spirit is basically a bond among residents. Members of the community often share several common life threads. They most likely attended some of the same schools, clubs and events. They see each other regularly throughout their day to day lives, and often see the same doctor, live in the same neighborhood and raise their children together. This allows children to be surrounded by love, adults with similar ideals and morals as their own parents, and to have similar guidelines as their classmates. The old axiom, “It takes a village to raise a child” is exemplified in a small, community-minded town.

Big city problems like traffic, housing, and large business districts generally are not major issues in small towns. This allows the small town to put more resources: financial, time and creativity, towards “people-based” issues. Some examples are children’s parks, high-quality libraries, family –approved teen hangouts, neighborhood sidewalks, community festivals and holiday celebrations. These are the perks in a small town; promoting excellent social skills, civic pride and a clear understanding of all that really matters in life.

Small towns also have a lower crime rate. Whether this is due to a smaller population or a stronger sense of morals matters not. Children and families are safer from violent acts and therefore they can feel freer to take the time to discover who they are.

If it does take a village to raise a child, then I would certainly choose a small town with community spirit, safer streets and time to focus on the individual in each child.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Heatherev

1. Can old adages/idioms go in quotations? As if they are being said?
2. Should I spend time and space pointing out the cons of the opposite side of the argument, or just promote my end?
3. When is it ok to list examples within parenthesis? She loves fruit (apples, oranges and pears) but they upset her stomach. Is this correct or should I omit the parenthesis and use commas?

1. There is no reason to put adages or idioms in quotations unless you are quoting somebody.

2. I think it is a good idea to briefly point out the arguments for the other side, but I also think that whether you do that depends on whether you have time and space for it.

3. Say She loves fruit, but it upsets her stomach. Also, if there was a good reason to give examples of fruit putting those examples within parentheses would be a good way to do it.

I like your essay. How about taking the other side of the argument now?


~R

[Heatherev]

Thank you for your help. I believe I will take the other side of the argument as I practice my essays this week. Great idea!