CPE essay about freedom

[kimberly07]

Hi Anglica,
Could you please check my essay? I'm preparing for CPE on my own and this task is from Objective Proficiency textbook:

You have had a class discussion on the nature of personal freedom in contemporary society. Now your tutor has asked you to write an essay, using your notes below and giving your own opinions on this subject.
Freedom of movement, freedom within the law, being tolerant, equal rights for all.

Freedom has been one of the most debatable issues in the last century. When cosidering social issues, one inevitably comes across the problem of freedom as something everyone covets but not necessarily achieves. Additionaly, if we want to make informed choices in our lives, we are inevitably confronted with the question of freedom.
First, I would like to consider (perhaps need another word here) what puts constraints on our personal freedom. Someone said :"My freedom ends where another person's freedom starts".So, it is important that, in pursuit of our own goals, we don't violate other people's rights. The legal system defines where this demarkation line between my freedom and another individual's lies.
For example, if someone pursues their own financial gain and appropriates my property(appropriates - property() , they are liable to legal punishment, i.e. imprisonment. Thus, by restricting unscrupulous individuals' freedom, the law ensures(not sure - may be, augments) the freedom of law-abiding people.
On the other hand, one's freedom could be inhibited by state rather than individuals. In some countries, such basic a right as freedom of movement is denied to the citizens. Such was the case for my country, Russia, only fifteen years ago. With the collapse of the totalitarian state, we were granted the right to leave our country, both temporarily and permanently. Unfortunately, even now most of my countrymen cannot exercise their recently obtained freedom and go abroad for a holiday, as they don't have sufficient financial means. That shows that some rights must be supported not only politically , but also economically.
However, for some people freedom of movement means that they can improve their financial situation, as it allows them to seek better employment prospects outside their homecountry. With the growing number of immigrants the Western world has become a melting pot of myriad nationalities. With so many disparate communities living side by side, tolerance has become of vital importance. However alien our neighbours' way of living might seem to us, we must learn to respect their choice.
Yet another pre-condition of civil liberty is that everyone is given the same rights. Otherwise, the freedom of those discriminated against is severely curtailed, as they are denied the opportunities other members of society have. The injustice breeds resentment among members of underprivileged groups. Moreover, those who enjoy preferential treatment cannot be entirely free either as their welfare is based upon exploitation.
To sum up, the concept of freedom is not only pervasive, but also multi-faceted. On our progress to a better world, civil liberty must be our priority, which we should constantly bear in mind while considering any social initiative.


I am not sure about the articles, and I would be grateful if you correct the most glaring mistakes

[kimberly07]

When I first posted my request, I didn't realise that there were other people here who could check my writing.
Would you please give me a feedback. Any help would be appreciated

[Anglika]

Originally Posted by kimberly07

Hi Anglica,
Could you please check my essay? I'm preparing for CPE on my own and this task is from Objective Proficiency textbook:

You have had a class discussion on the nature of personal freedom in contemporary society. Now your tutor has asked you to write an essay, using your notes below and giving your own opinions on this subject.
Freedom of movement, freedom within the law, being tolerant, equal rights for all.

Freedom has been one of the most debatable issues in the last century. When cosidering social issues, one inevitably comes across the problem of freedom as something everyone covets but not necessarily achieves. Additionaly, if we want to make informed choices in our lives, we are inevitably confronted with the question of freedom.
First, I would like to consider (perhaps need another word here It looks fine to me) what puts [delete - unnecessary] constraints on our personal freedom. Someone said, "My freedom ends where another person's freedom starts". So it is important that, in pursuit of our own goals, we don't violate other people's rights. The legal system defines where this demarkation line between my freedom and another individual's lies.
For example, if someone pursues their own financial gain and appropriates my property(appropriates - property(it's ok - but how about misappropriates) , they are liable to legal punishment, i.e. imprisonment. Thus, by restricting unscrupulous individuals' freedom, the law ensures(not sure - may be, augmentsNo - stick with your first idea) the freedom of law-abiding people.
On the other hand, one's freedom could be inhibited by state rather than individuals. In some countries, such [so] basic a right as freedom of movement is denied to the citizens. Such was the case for my country, Russia, only fifteen years ago. With the collapse of the totalitarian state, we were granted the right to leave our country, both temporarily and permanently. Unfortunately, even now most of my countrymen cannot exercise their recently obtained freedom and go abroad for a holiday, as they don't have sufficient financial means. That shows that some rights must be supported not only politically , but also economically.
However, for some people freedom of movement means that they can improve their financial situation, as it allows them to seek better employment prospects outside their home country. With the [a] growing number of immigrants the Western world has become a melting pot of myriad nationalities. With so many disparate communities living side by side, tolerance has become of vital importance. However alien our neighbours' way of living might seem to us, we must learn to respect their choice.
Yet another pre-condition of civil liberty is that everyone is given the same rights. Otherwise, the freedom of those discriminated against is severely curtailed, as they are denied the opportunities other members of society have. The injustice breeds resentment among members of underprivileged groups. Moreover, those who enjoy preferential treatment cannot be entirely free either as their welfare is based upon exploitation.
To sum up, the concept of freedom is not only pervasive, but also multi-faceted. On our progress to a better world, civil liberty must be our priority, which we should constantly bear in mind while considering any social initiative.


I am not sure about the articles, and I would be grateful if you correct the most glaring mistakes

Hope this helps!

[kimberly07]

Hello Anglica,
Thanks a million times for your help . We really appreciate your great work.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by kimberly07

Freedom has been one of the most debatable issues in the last century.

Prefer most debated to most debatable. In other words, it has been considerably debated. (The other phrase has an entirely different meaning.)

Also, say we must learn to respect their choices.

~R