Can somebody check my business letter + help me get 100% on it?! ASAP

Here it is:

Dear Mr. [last name]


You gave a presentation about censorship on Friday, November 16. I examined your presentation very carefully and I was curious to tell you about the weak and strong points of your presentation.

Your presentation had a number of weaknesses. Firstly, the use of visual contents was not enough to win your audience’s attention. The only visual matter that was applied in your presentation was a limited use of pictures. To obtain your audience’s interest, you could have utilized interesting audio or video clips related to your topic. Secondly, the tone of your voice was extremely repetitive, rather than being attractive. It tired your viewers and as a result, you lost their attention yet again. Lastly, the volume of your voice was not high enough, so that everybody in the very back of the classroom could effortlessly hear. It interrupted the listener’s concentration on your presentation, and consequently, affected the quality of your performance.


The presentation also included certain thoughtful aspects as well. For instance, the subject of your presentation was well chosen. That is because of its role in media that people are enjoying (?) in their daily lives. The other strong point in your presentation was that it started with a number of questions, which were answered throughout the presentation. This helped the audience to understand the main purpose of the presentation.
Overall, your presentation was very educational and provided a wealth of information. It could have been improved, if the flaws have been given more thought before the presentation. I hope to hear more of your presentations in the future.


Sincerely,




[My first and last name]


THANKS!!!

...and when you get 100%, how will your teacher be able to judge your progress in learning English, your strengths and weaknesses, so that she knows what specific assistance you need?

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Originally Posted by David L.

...and when you get 100%, how will your teacher be able to judge your progress in learning English, your strengths and weaknesses, so that she knows what specific assistance you need?

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Well, my teacher always helps the students in every project, without telling them to "do this" or "that" and because the due date for this project is tomorrow and the schools are closed today, I would like the helpers in this thread do the same as my teacher. Just tell me what is not perfect. So I can think and fix it myself. That way, I learn a whole bunch of stuff.8-)

OK, Let me start:
In this sentence:
That is because of its role in the media that people are enjoying in their daily lives.
what can I relpace with "enjoying"? Can I say "using"? and is "media" right by itself or does it need "the" before it.

That is because of its(censorship) role in the media that people are enjoying in their daily lives.

What does the red part of the sentence mean?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by David L.

That is because of its(censorship) role in the media that people are enjoying in their daily lives.

What does the red part of the sentence mean?

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I wanted to say something like:
The subject of your presentation was well chosen. That (refers to last sentence) is because of censorship's role in media that people are using (I do not know if this is the right word + it refers to media) in their daily lives.

Do you know the answer of the question in my last post?

Quote:

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Is "media" right by itself or does it need "the" before it.

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The subject of your presentation was well chosen, because of the effects of censorship on the media people turn to in their daily lives.

"media" is merely the plural of medium, and magnetic tape and compact discs are media for recording sound. When we are specifically referring to radio, TV, newspapers, we term them "the media", or, say, "we were able to see the Royal wedding live through the medium of television".

Hello ;-)
I saw your letter by accident and I was thinking you could say it in two ways :
That is because of its role in media that people are exploring in their daily lives. or That is because of its role in media that occurs to people in their daily lives.
Good luck ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by David L.

"media" is merely the plural of medium, and magnetic tape and compact discs are media for recording sound. When we are specifically referring to radio, TV, newspapers, we term them "the media", or, say, "we were able to see the Royal wedding live through the medium of television".

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Thank you. That's what I had been wondering about for a long time, but I never checked if its right.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moon_girl

Hello
I saw your letter by accident and I was thinking you could say it in two ways :
That is because of its role in media that people are exploring in their daily lives. or That is because of its role in media that occurs to people in their daily lives.
Good luck ;)

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Thanks, but I have used "dependent" in my sentence:

because of its role in the media that people are dependent on throughout their daily lives.

How is it now?

In reading the whole letter I would change the following:

-First sentence/paragraph saying that you attended the presentation is fine.
-Secondly, I would mention the strong points.
-Third, the areas where improvement is needed.
-Fourth, Finish with the "overall, your presentation" etc.

You introduce the subject of your letter, then give a positive, then a critique, and finish with the positive again.

I have not checked the spelling or grammar.

I am not a teacher.