Review this pls ..

[sharanbr]

I am writing short notes (technical stuff related to my daily work)
I would like to know if I have got it right ..

Fresh designs that are submitted for verification are like newborns.
It is the verification team that finds all the rough edges in them;
they help parents (designers) fine-tune their babies, for a time comes
in every baby's life when it has to leave simulated world and take
up its designated role in real life. Real life, as we all know, can
be rather ruthless. If it has, in its short simulated world,
seen all the situations it was supposed to face, it probably will
stand tall like a man; that, hopefully, will make the parents very
proud of their babies. If it was not prepared to face certain
situations in life then it will, at best, crumble and fall down
like nine pins. The uninitiated ones can wreck havoc,
like a bull in a china shop; they will then create such a disharmony
in the world they live in, the world of which they are a small links
of a much bigger and complex chain, that their parents, as well the
those who raised them will have to hang their head in shame.

Regards

[David L.]

I have made some amendments, as below. A problem remains with the analogy you have chosen, with newborn babies. We would not regard caring for newborns as 'knocking the rough edges off them'. On the contrary, it is the parents who have to 'fit in' with the demands of the newborn! Indeed, it is the parents who have to become fine-tuned to their new baby, so that they 'know' why a baby is crying from the tone of the cry, whether nappy time, a hunger cry etc. Perhaps if you saw 'fresh designs' as being the cherished off-spring of their creators, sent off to the proving-ground of the microcosm of the world that is the classroom and schoolyard. Or perhaps someone with literary editing experience could assist.


Fresh designs that are submitted for verification are like newborns.
It is the verification team that finds all the rough edges in them;
they help parents (designers) fine-tune their babies, for a time comes
in every baby's life when it has to leave simulated world and take
up its designated role in real life. Real life, as we all know, can
be rather ruthless. If it has, in its short simulated world,
seen all the situations it was supposed to face, it probably will
stand tall like a man; that, hopefully, will make the parents very
proud of their child. If it was not prepared to face certain
situations in life then it will, at best, crumble and fall (down-omit)
like nine pins. The uninitiated ones can wreak havoc,
like a bull in a china shop. They will then create such a disharmony
in the world they live in, the world of which they are a small links
of a much bigger and complex chain, that their parents, as well the
those who raised them, will have to hang their heads in shame.

[sharanbr]

Originally Posted by David L.

I have made some amendments, as below. A problem remains with the analogy you have chosen, with newborn babies. We would not regard caring for newborns as 'knocking the rough edges off them'. On the contrary, it is the parents who have to 'fit in' with the demands of the newborn! Indeed, it is the parents who have to become fine-tuned to their new baby, so that they 'know' why a baby is crying from the tone of the cry, whether nappy time, a hunger cry etc. Perhaps if you saw 'fresh designs' as being the cherished off-spring of their creators, sent off to the proving-ground of the microcosm of the world that is the classroom and schoolyard. Or perhaps someone with literary editing experience could assist.


Fresh designs that are submitted for verification are like newborns.
It is the verification team that finds all the rough edges in them;
they help parents (designers) fine-tune their babies, for a time comes
in every baby's life when it has to leave simulated world and take
up its designated role in real life. Real life, as we all know, can
be rather ruthless. If it has, in its short simulated world,
seen all the situations it was supposed to face, it probably will
stand tall like a man; that, hopefully, will make the parents very
proud of their child. If it was not prepared to face certain
situations in life then it will, at best, crumble and fall (down-omit)
like nine pins. The uninitiated ones can wreak havoc,
like a bull in a china shop. They will then create such a disharmony
in the world they live in, the world of which they are a small links
of a much bigger and complex chain, that their parents, as well the
those who raised them, will have to hang their heads in shame.

Thanks a lot, David. Maybe I should have used better words -- say parents imbibe the right values in their children. The other thing that is still bothers me is the following sentence :

They will then create such a disharmony in the world they live in, the world of which they are a small links of a much bigger and complex chain, that their parents, as well the those who raised them, will have to hang their heads in shame

Do you think the abrupt change in thought process that is brought, "by
the world of which they are a small links of a much bigger and complex chain" should actually be enclosed by double dashes and should change as follows :

They will then create such a disharmony in the world they live in -- the world of which they are a small links of a much bigger and complex chain -- that their parents, as well the those who raised them, will have to hang their heads in shame

Thanks once again ..

[David L.]

There is a cultural difference going on here, so that these dire outcomes seem so EXTREME to us, what with parents hanging their heads in shame, all because a person failed to live up to a challenge. We'd just call the person "a weaky" and let it go at that.
As well (and perhaps you come back to it in the paragraph after this), but we have lost sight of the analogy with 'fresh designs' and seem to be just talking about the chaos in society caused if children don't live up to expectations. What actually would happen if designs were implemented without first going through the Verification Team?

Let me think about the sentence and get back to you.

[aggelos]

My suggestions in bold.
Words in red should be omitted.
-------------

They will then create such a disharmony in the world they live in, a world in which they are a small links of a much bigger and complex chain, that their parents, (as well the those who: I think this should be phrased differently, perhaps like this)--> or whoever (it was that) raised them, will have to hang their heads in shame.

Comments:

a world in which...: tells us something about "the world they live in". Consider which of the following you would say:
-The world we live in, which is the world governed by lunatics...
-The world we live in, which is a world governed by lunatics...
I think you'd definitely opt for the latter.

a world in which they are small links of a much bigger and complex chain: they're either links of the world or of the chain; they can't be links of both (although I understand you liken the world to a chain). Alternatively, the following might also be acceptable: a world of which they are small links in a much bigger and complex chain.

or whoever (it was that) raised them: "as well as those who raised them" would sound as if it was not their parents who had raised them. Obviously, what you mean is that there were others who also took part in raising them. Unless, of course, you are implying that all their parents did was to give birth to them...

a small links; the those: no explanationss needed...
--------------

As for using double dashes, I'd say no. It's fine with commas.

[sharanbr]

Thanks a lot, Aggelos and David. That helped me a lot ..