Could you please check my another essay

[Tvita]

IELTS is comming soon (March 29). I want to improve my writing as much as I can. So I need to check one more essay... Thank you in advance :))

Task:

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work.

How do you think children should spend their free time?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Essay:

Childhood is an initial period of life when people begin to learn and understand the world which surrounded them. Therefore, it is very important that parents organise the time of their children right. Some of them treat their children as adults and restrict children’s free time too much, insisting that this time should be used to do more school work. However, I strongly believe that outdoor activities as much important as school education.

Children from early ages need to develop not only their minds but their bodies as well. Particularly it concerns the children who are growing up in urban environment and therefore don’t have enough place to play active games. Instead of that they spend their free time for example playing computer games and most parents, when they see that, decide that it is waste of time, and it would be better to replace this activity by studying. From my point of view, it is the most common mistake which is made by a lot of parents. They should not limit children’s free time, they should control that children spend this time properly. For example parents can pay for their children to enroll in some sports section or club. If children don’t show interest in sports activities parents can try to initiate this interest by going skiing and skating together, or by showing children interesting but not dangerous active game which they can play with adults or other children.

Mental activities also should not be limited only school work. Parents should find some games that help their children to improve their minds and imagination. The very important point here is that parent should offer children variety of games, not only one, to give them opportunity to choose what they want to play. Also I think it will stimulate children to invent their own games by combined several known games together.

To sum up, I would say that, in my opinion, the main problem is not that children have too much free time but that they spend this time improperly and the main task of parents is to show children the right way.

[RonBee]

Childhood is an initial period of life when people begin to learn and understand the world which surrounded them. Therefore, it is very important that parents organise the time of their children right. Some of them treat their children as adults and restrict children’s free time too much, insisting that this time should be used to do more school work. However, I strongly believe that outdoor activities as much important as school education.

Childhood is an initial period of life when people begin to understand the world surrounding them. Therefore, it is very important that parents organise the time of their children the right way. Some of them treat their children as adults and restrict their children’s free time too much, insisting that this time should be used to do school work. However, I strongly believe that outdoor activities are as important as formal education.

What do you think?

[Tvita]

Nice! What do you think about the rest? Are there any mistakes?

[RonBee]

Children from early ages need to develop not only their minds but their bodies as well.

Children from an early age need to develop not only their minds but their bodies as well.

Particularly it concerns the children who are growing up in urban environment and therefore don’t have enough place to play active games.

What do you think you should title this piece?