Can you grade my essay and give ur comments

[sylvierhugenda@yahoo.fr]

Hi,

I'm preparing for Toefel PBT...
I have written down an essay and I wanted someone else view on approx. what could be the grading? Any comment on what is needed to improve my score is very welcome.
Here is my essay.....

Between early education and playing, which option is the best for young children?
We will go through advantages and inconvenient of the two paths and will opt, if not for the best at least for the less worse.

Nowadays, knowledge and education is key of employability and successful carrier. More and more adults attend post-graduate courses despite professional and family heavy schedule. Why not starting learning dedication for education at early age? Haven’t big tennis women like Stephy Graph or the Williams started being trained very early?
Considering the place education is taking in our modern times, I think it is a good thing to put our children in this way the earliest as possible.

But playing is essential for children as it is an opportunity for them to socialize with others. They will learn to follow game’s rule, friendship, fair-play and so many other values essentials for developing a good behaviour. For example, I have been trained to keep up smiling while losing in my early childhood as my big brother used to defeat me at any game!
Playing activities carry on values which will make the difference between your chid and another in their adult life.

Though early education and a lot of playing both have advantages for children development, frustrations due to lack of playing are irreversible. I’m thinking of Michael Jackson who started playing in his adult’s time and who is still behaving like a child though he is more than 50. Though there is no time for education, childhood is the recommended time for playing. That is way I think young children should pass most of their time playing.

Opting for playing is not that I mean early study is fundamentally a bad thing. Each option has its benefits and inconvenient; the one I consider the less worst is letting children spending most of their time playing.