Bahraini women working abroad [Argument essay]Need Help :)

[amona86]

Hello everybody,

this is my last essay for this course , it is an argument essay.

My topic is " bahraini women working abroad"

i need help ^_^ corrections in grammar , syntax , ideas..etc


----

Bahraini women working abroad

While she is studying hard, her parents provide her with all what she wants. She has one dream is to work abroad. She is afraid to confess it for her parents, since they will not let her to fulfill it .They assume she has all what she needs, why she is going far, away beyond the rules and many other claims. Despite claims of Bahraini family who against the women working abroad, there are benefits the girl would be gained from this experience.

One of the most benefits gains for Women while they are working abroad is the improvement in their personality. Women become more independent while they are far away of their family cage. Moreover, increase their self esteem, and she strongly can face and defend about her values and believes she does not anymore trap with the old values of her country that prohibited her for practicing many other experiences. Such as: choosing her life partner.

Certainly working abroad it has many effects, especially for women in their lifestyle noticeably. Women can freely choose their lifestyle included living, wearing, eating and hanging out. They can feel the freedom while they still respect their values. Surely, open mind women can have a good career anywhere, and they can become successful . Consequently, with these circumstances they will have a perfect family.

"Working abroad gets you up the career ladder faster - especially if you are a woman struggling to break through the proverbial glass ceiling at home." According to C. Perry Yeatman and Stacie Nevadomski Berdan, the authors of Get Ahead by Going Abroad: A Woman's Guide to Fast-Track Career Success. Certainly, this is a fact these days that women can prove themselves as a professional practice overseas and full of experiences. As a result, top jobs are not only for men then women have to share them as well. Also there is a global online survey of more than 200 women who experienced working abroad. About 85 percent agreed that their career accelerated as a result of working overseas.

Some opponents in Bahrain claim that women working abroad are breaking the traditions, and it is risky. In Bahrain, women should be the first responsible for their family, even if they are workers. They can work at certain jobs, as long as they do not have to annihilate any tradition .for example : they work isolated from men. Despite the fact that women are having many obligations, women still have the right to take her decisions as much as men. Therefore, Women can decide the job they fit them, and anywhere they prefer. As a matter of fact, as widely known "Unfortunately, it is true that women are much more likely than men to be the victims of sexual harassment and sexual assault." even though the risk is the most claims of the Bahraini family, the risks occur in any country. Women can protect themselves or can ask for aid from the police in that country.

Even though many Bahraini families do not want to convince that women can choose their career without their involvement. Women in Bahrain are in a better situation than other gulf countries, they have the right to work abroad or inside. Women can achieve a successful career if they believed in themselves and broke the family's chain which squeezes their dreams.

--------

it is too long , if any sentence need to be omitted ^_^ please alert me

[Soup]

She studies hard, and her parents provide her with all that she needs. She has one dream: to work abroad; however, she is afraid to confess this to her parents, since she knows they will not let her fulfill it.They assume she has everything she could ever want, and cannot understand why she would want to go far away, ignoring her obligations to her family and culture. In a Bahraini family, women don't work abroad, let alone should even dream about it.

Despite her family's feelings, she knows there are benefits to be gained from this experience. One of the most beneficial gains for women working abroad is the improvement that comes with the change in their personality. Women become more independent when they are free from the confins of their family. Moreover, the experience increases self-esteem. With confidence she can face and defend her values; she is no longer trapped in her thinking. The old values of her country that prohibited, for example, her choosing a life partner are no longer a hindrance.

[amona86]

Soup, Thank you so much

in the introduction I need the argument thesis statement which you mixed it with the second paragraph

so

can I do that :


She studies hard, and her parents provide her with all that she needs. She has one dream: to work abroad; [my teacher told us not to use it because its difficult for us ]however, she is afraid to confess this to her parents, since she knows they will not let her fulfill it. They assume she has everything she could ever want, and cannot understand why she would want to go far away, ignoring her obligations to her family and culture. [In a Bahraini family, women don't work abroad, let alone should even dream about it.][I need to put my argument thesis statement here. Despite her family's feelings, she knows there are benefits to be gained from this experience.

One of the most beneficial gains for women working abroad is the improvement that comes with the change in their personality. Women become more independent when they are free from the confine of their family. Moreover, the experience increases self-esteem. With confidence she can face and defend her values; [again, how to avoid this with simple semicolon]she is no longer trapped in her thinking. The old values of her country that prohibited, for example, her choosing a life partner are no longer a hindrance.


---
your editing made my first two paragraphs much better ^_^ and stronger.

...

[amona86]

Any help on the other paragraphs

[RonBee]

Bahraini women working abroad

While she is studying hard, her parents provide her with all what she wants. She has one dream is to work abroad. She is afraid to confess it for her parents, since they will not let her to fulfill it .They assume she has all what she needs, why she is going far, away beyond the rules and many other claims. Despite claims of Bahraini family who against the women working abroad, there are benefits the girl would be gained from this experience.

Bahraini women working abroad

She studies hard, and her parents provide her with all that she needs.Her one dream is to study abroad, but she is afraid to tell her parents that because they will not let her do it.They assume she has everything she could ever want, and cannot understand why she would want to go far away, ignoring her obligations to her family and culture. In Bahraini culture women do not consider working abroad, let alone actually do it.

[amona86]

RonBee, Thank You

This is my new edit

Can you check my 4, 5, 6 paragraphs please

Bahraini women working abroad

She studies hard, and her parents provide her with all that she needs. Her one dream is to work abroad, but she is afraid to tell her parents that because they will not let her do it. They assume she has everything she could ever want, and cannot understand why she would want to go far away, ignoring her obligations to her family and culture. Despite claims from Bahraini family who are against the women working abroad, there are benefits a women would gains from this experience.

One of the most beneficial gains for women working abroad is the improvement that comes with the change in their personality. Women become more independent when they are free from the confines of their families. Moreover, the experience increases self-esteem. With confidence they can face and defend their values. Thus, they are no longer trapped in their thinking with the old values of their country, which exporting their potential. For example, choose a life partner.

Certainly working abroad it has many effects, especially for women in their lifestyle noticeably. Women can freely choose their lifestyle included living, wearing, eating and hanging out. They can feel the freedom while they still respect their values. Surely, open mind women can have a good career anywhere, and they can become successful. Consequently, with these circumstances they will have a perfect family. [Omitted]
4.
"Working abroad gets you up the career ladder faster - especially if you are a woman struggling to break through the proverbial glass ceiling at home." According to C. Perry Yeatman and Stacie Nevadomski Berdan, the authors of Get Ahead by Going Abroad: A Woman's Guide to Fast-Track Career Success. Surly, it is a fact these days that women grow professionally when they get exposed to overseas careers. As a result, women become capable of competing with men over top jobs. In a global online survey done by the same authors” C. Perry Yeatman and Stacie Berdan” about 85 percent of 200 women who experienced working abroad agreed that their careers accelerated as a result of working abroad.
5.
Some opponents in Bahrain claim that women working abroad are disrespecting traditions and risking their safety. In Bahrain, women should be responsible for their families, even if they have jobs. It is acceptable for women to have certain jobs, like teaching as long as they do not affront traditions. while the interpretation of traditions is personal perception and women should be treated equally in the workplace. They go to work as professional ands should be treated that way. Therefore, women can decide about their careers and where want to work. Unfortunately, many people believe that women working abroad are likely to be victims of sexual harassment and assaults. Nevertheless, this risk is not exclusive to any one country. It is a social problem that many countries facing. However, women can always rely on the police to help them lead a secure life any where in the world.

6.
Even though many Bahraini families do not want to be convinced that women can choose their careers without their involvement, Women in Bahrain are in a better situation than in other gulf countries because of a good number has the right to work abroad or inside. Women can achieve successful careers if they believe in themselves and break the family's chain which is killing their dreams.

[RonBee]

Despite claims from Bahraini family who are against the women working abroad, there are benefits a women would gains from this experience.

Despite claims to the contrary by those who are against women working abroad, women who work abroad advance much further in their careers than women who stay home.

In that sentence, the claim of a benefit for women who work abroad is definite rather than vague.

(More later.)

[amona86]

thanx RonBee ,

In that sentence, the claim of a benefit for women who work abroad is definite rather than vague.

Yes, but I mean with working abroad is working outside their country (overseas) so

Despite claims to the contrary by those who are against women working abroad, women who work abroad advance much further in their careers than women who stay home.

I cant compare with women who are staying at home!!




I hope you can help me soon, because I have to submit it tomorrow in this essay I face trouble in generating ideas. Do you think this essay is good?? what about the conclusion !!

What about the grammars!!?




---

[amona86]

Certainly working abroad has many positive effects on women in their lifestyle. Women can liberally choose their lifestyle which reflect who they are in the way they live , eat , dress and socialize. They can feel the superiority while they balance between their freedom and societal values. Surely, open mind women can have a good career anywhere. Consequently, with these circumstances they will have a perfect family raise by their own lifestyle.


is it a good paragraph??

[RonBee]

Despite claims to the contrary by those who are against women working abroad, women who work abroad advance much further in their careers than women who stay home.

In that sentence, the claim of a benefit for women who work abroad is definite rather than vague.

That should have been:

In that sentence, the claim of a benefit for women who work abroad is definite rather vague.