Opinion essay

[Jasutasu]

Hello,

I would be grateful, if someone could check this piece of writing and make some useful sugestions. Thanks in advance.

The task was:
You have decided to take part in the International Writing Contest. This year the topic is:
Sitting at the computer long hours is harmful.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Sitting at the computer long hours is harmful.

I agree with the statement to a certain extent, as I believe that sitting at the computer for a long time can be harmful.
Staying in front of computer for a long hours can have drawbacks. First of all, your eyes can weaken. As a result, you will have to spend a lot of money on vitamins or even buy a glasses.
Furthermore, when you are sitting at the computer for a couple of hours your muscles are in idle. That inactiveness can turn into serious consequences and that can cost you a fortune.
On the other hand, being at home with your computer can have some benefits. First of all, you are not going to be involved in a street crime or other illegal process. What is more, useful information can be collected and that could be helpful to your future.
All things considered, I believe that sitting at a computer monitor for long hours can be unhealthy, however, a balance should be found.

[Soup]

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Sitting at the computer for a long period of time is harmful
_________________________________________
Start with a paragraph that tells the readers what they are going to read in the following paragraphs. You can do this by briefly stating your opinion and reasons supporting it. Ask yourself, "Why should the readers read what I have to say, how can I convince the readers, right now, to agree with what I think, before they read the rest of my essay?"

The following paragraphs (the body of the essay) should house the reasons supporting your ideas. There should be one idea per paragraph, and each of those paragraphs should have 1) a topic sentence (what the paragraph is about), 2) at least two examples supporting your idea, and 3) a logical transition that leads readers into the next paragraph. So, before you start writing, you'll need to brainstorm your ideas, first, then place them in a logical order.

Paragraph #1 <Introduction>
Paragraph #2 <Idea 1>
Paragraph #3 <Idea 2>
and so on ...
Paragraph #? <Conclusion>

[samatbigben]

You've got the basis for a really good composition. Well done. I agree with Soup's comments about brainstorming and text organisation.

Intro: say what you're going to say.
Main body: say it
Conclusion: Say what you said.

I would also say, especially if this is an exam piece that it's a good idea to rephrase rather than copy chunks from the question or prompt. If you're trying to impress an examiner you may want to think about other ways to begin and end, such as the use of a rhetorical question or a relevant quotation. This one could end with "moderation in all things".

Rhetorical questions are great and can be made fairly easily from the question. eg Do you find you spend ages in front of your computer surfing the net or playing games? bla bla ....

Hope this helps.
Samantha

[whitechalk]

Solutions:

• A typical desktop personal computer can be replace by personal digital assistants (PDA), in which the user does not necessarily sit idly for long hours.
• Lengthy texts should be printed and read offline, to avoid being exposed to the computer screen for too long.
• Reduce or avoid interactive chats or forums which would make one stay in his/her seat for long hours.
• Bright CRT screens can be adjusted to avoid maximum impact on human eyes. Nowadays ultra-violet screen can be mounted to filter harmful CRT rays emitted by the monitors. LCD monitors are better alternatives.

(Hope this helps too)

[fatma1991]

it a good essay, but i think you need to change the organization like
introduction
Body 1
body 2
consulsuion


another point sitting at the computer could be time consuming ... thank u

[teacherdominic]

I have one suggestion to make here and it relates to vocabulary. Yes, organisation matters in an essay, but it is too easy to get hung up on it and miss the real point.

The real point is that an essay is an exercise in language and if you want to impress, you need to show off your language a little. I'd suggest going back to the beginning and start by planning the words you want to use in the essay. For now, there is very little variation in the vocabulary you are using.