Essay Review - The Great Indian Dream

[Matt1978]

Hello Teachers,
I would like to ask for your help review my essay about some topics I read from New York Times. Thank you.


The Great Indian Dream
After years of striving, India has become one of the biggest software giants in the world. 15 years ago, this country was considered as a synonym for massive poverty. How did India make this marvelous jump and take all US best jobs? The answer is good timing, hard work and faith.


From 1991, India has made its decision to shuck off socialism which had lasted for decades and headed toward a free-market economy emphasized on foreign trade. This allows many talented young men stay at their homes without leaving for advanced study.


Indian culture is famous of its emphasis on education. This created a huge amount of potential software technicians. Plus the cultural background it had with the British, which makes it has no obstacle for communication with Silicon Valley. There is also one good example to distinctly state the situation of the cooperation between the American and Indian software technicians: during the daytime in U.S., the designers work on their software design and e-mail their result to Indian subcontractors in the evening time. The Indian would then work on it for all of their day and send back the finished software to the designers. By the time when the designers received the output, they can readily finalize the product. That is a 24-hour workday we are talking about.


Based on recent study, there are 0.5 billion Indians under the age of 25, and most of them have “The Great Indian Dream,” which is almost identical to the American version. The great thing about the American dream is that people would eventually obtain some certain level of success as long as they keep on struggling for what they believe in. And that is the key spirit to the secret of being successful. With this faith in their mind, it is no wonder that when you ask someone where the software comes from and might come up with a surprising answer－”I guess it’s from India, right?”

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Matt1978

Hello Teachers,

I would like to ask for your help reviewing my essay about some things I read in The New York Times.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Matt1978

The Great Indian Dream
After years of striving, India has become one of the biggest software giants in the world. 15 years ago, this country was considered a synonym for massive poverty. How did India make this marvelous jump and take all the US best jobs? The answer is good timing, hard work and faith.

[Matt1978]

Hello Ron,

Sorry for this grammar error and thank you for the review. It looks like we haven't gone over this essay yet, but please take your time reviewing it.

Br.

Matt.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Matt1978

How did India make this marvelous jump and take all the best US jobs? The answer is good timing, hard work and faith.

In 1991, India decided to shuck off socialism and headed toward a free-market economy focused on foreign trade. This allows many talented young men to stay at home rather than going abroad for advanced study.

Indian culture is famous for its emphasis on education.

You need something to follow that sentence. What might logically follow that sentence?

[Matt1978]

Hello Ron,

Thank you for the corrections.

I'd just come up with a paragraph. Does this one follow that sentence logically?

"It is because of this emphasis which allows lots of indian teenagers to receive proper education instead of the old fashion lifestyle, being one of millions of child labors. And this contributed to a huge amount of potential software technicians."

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by Matt1978

Hello Ron,

Thank you for the corrections.

I'd just come up with a paragraph. Does this one follow that sentence logically?

"It is because of this emphasis which allows lots of indian teenagers to receive proper education instead of the old fashion lifestyle, being one of millions of child labors. And this contributed to a huge amount of potential software technicians."

Perhaps:

Indian culture is famous of its emphasis on education. A great many Indians have been to college, and many of them have obtained college degrees.Having so many college educated individuals in the country creates a large pool of potential software technicians.

What do you think?


(Every sentence should logically follow the previous one. Make no sudden changes that leave the reader reeling.)

[Matt1978]

Hello Ron,
Hope you had a good time during the previous long weekend.

Thank you for the advice to the paragraph. Maybe the "twist" in my paragraph is too much for reader to bear and even seemed a little odd...