Remembrance (poem) proofreading

[Roukaya]

Hi can you pleas check out my remembrance poem please let me know if things don’t make sens or you don’t understand what I am trying to say. thank you very much.



Remembrance

I remember when we use to walk long the shore,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember staying up late in summer enjoying our ice cream and water melon,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember sitting in my balcony and that beautiful breeze we open our arms to and relax.
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the special kisses from everyone,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the biggest sleep over at her house and theirs,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the night walks,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the sun shinning with its pretty colour behind the house, and the bird’s shrills early in the morning,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the long farm trips we use to have,
I remember when my Tommy was about to explode form the apricots.
Oh yeah I remember,
I remember our Barbeques together, and sometimes the magpies and all their families would come for the leftovers without me inviting them.
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the race we use to do, and as usual I always won lozer.
Oh yeah I remember.
I remember feeding my cat tuna, milk and chocolate I wonder what she thought of it.
Oh, yeah I remember,
I remember my revolution at school
Oh, yeah I remember,
I remember when you entered my life and then left me with your repeated footprints in my memo.
I remember having fun here and there.
Oh, yes I remember
I don’t know if that’s all I can remember, why cant I fast backwards I say to myself?
Its time to move on they say.

[Roukaya]

Will anyone help me edit my poem orr not??!!!1

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by Roukaya

Hi can you pleas check out my remembrance poem please let me know if things don’t make sens or you don’t understand what I am trying to say. thank you very much.



Remembrance

I remember when we used to walk along the shore,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember staying up late in summer enjoying our ice cream and water melon,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember sitting on my balcony and that beautiful breeze we open our arms to and relax.
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the special kisses from everyone,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the biggest sleepover at her house and theirs,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the night walks,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the sun shining with its pretty colour behind the house, and the birds' shrills early in the morning,
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the long farm trips we use to have,
I remember when my Tommy was about to explode from the apricots.
Oh yeah I remember,
I remember our barbeques together, and sometimes the magpies and all their families would come for the leftovers without me inviting them.
Oh, yeah I remember.
I remember the race we use to have, and as usual I always won loser.
Oh yeah I remember.
I remember feeding my cat tuna, milk and chocolate. I wonder what she thought of it.
Oh, yeah I remember,
I remember my revolution at school
Oh, yeah I remember,
I remember when you entered my life and then left me with your repeated footprints in my memory.(?)
I remember having fun here and there.
Oh, yes I remember
I don’t know if that’s all I can remember, why can't I fast backwards I say to myself?
It's time to move on they say.

Corrections in bold.

[Roukaya]

Hello does it make sens.??why did you put a ? mark at the end of memory.

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by Roukaya

Hello does it make sens.??why did you put a ? mark at the end of memory.

Does it make sense? That's always difficult to answer with poetry, where the poet is free to play with grammar and meanings, etc.

I put the question mark there because you wrote "in my memo". I changed it to "in my memory". The question mark means "Did you mean 'memory'?"

[Roukaya]

Thank you very much, as long as you understood my point of the poem.