Need help with my essay!! PLZZZZZZ

[himal]

In a desperate need of help in writing essays.

What would you do if you were to get a credit of $5000?

I am a really conservative sort of person when it comes down to spending money, and why would not one be if he/she were to be on the same page as I am. My family recently immigrated to Canada, 3 yrs ago, and since then it has been a tough struggle for our family in terms of finances. Starting from scratch in a completely new country is really a difficult task. As a result, if i do get some external help in improving my finances I would really try invest it towards my education or family expenses.

Attending one of the top-rated universities and coming from a very low-income family, it is not a good idea to spend my funds on purposes others would be delighted on. For instance, if you were to give such credit to some other individual he/she would would probably spend those credits on a vacation or a shopping spree or so forth. Now, I would love to do so as well, but taking into consideration my family's situation I would not invest on such recreational activity. Specially with the sky-rocketing school expenses, it really creates a big obstacle in my budget.

As unreal as it sounds, I would also recommend everyone else to do so. By that, i do not mean to completely ban the recreational expense, instead try saving part of it for future use or invest it at businesses. Everyone should learn to spend their budget in the right way.

[Anglika]

I think you need to reconsider your essay.

There are some interesting questions: Is this crediting of so much money into your account expected or unexpected. If unexpected, what action would you take? If expected, in what way would you use it?

[Raymott]

In a desperate need of help in writing essays.

What would you do if you were to get a credit of $5000?

I am a really conservative sort of person when it comes down to spending money, and why would not one be if he/she were to be on the same page as I am. My family recently immigrated to Canada, 3 yrs ago, and since then it has been a tough struggle for our family in terms of finances. Starting from scratch in a completely new country is really a difficult task. As a result, if i do get some external help in improving my finances I would really try invest it towards my education or family expenses.

Attending one of the top-rated universities and coming from a very low-income family, it is not a good idea to spend my funds on purposes others would be delighted on. For instance, if you were to give such credit to some other individual he/she would would probably spend those credits on a vacation or a shopping spree or so forth. Now, I would love to do so as well, but taking into consideration my family's situation I would not invest on such recreational activity. Specially with the sky-rocketing school expenses, it really creates a big obstacle in my budget.

As unreal as it sounds, I would also recommend everyone else to do so. By that, i do not mean to completely ban the recreational expense, instead try saving part of it for future use or invest it at businesses. Everyone should learn to spend their budget in the right way.

I agree with Anglika. In an essay this short, you must get to the meat of the matter very early. Ideally, you should state your theme in the first sentence, e.g., "Although most people would spend an unexpected $5000 on frivolous things, I am a really conservative sort of person, and would behave just the opposite". That's pretty much your theme stated and your essay written. You now only have to expand on it, and tie it up at the end.
Your conclusion is better than your introduction.