correct of short composition

[Tan Elaine]

Hi everybody

Could someone go through this short composition and correct any errors found? I would appreciate any suggestions to improve the composition. Many thanks in advance for your help.

Last Sunday, my family and I went to the beach at the East Coast Park. When we stepped onto the sandy beach, a gentle breeze blew onto our faces.

My brother and I were rushing to the public toilets to change into our swimming attire. My parents laughed at seeing us in such a hurry.

After my brother and I had changed, we ran to the sea to have a swim. After swimming for about half an hour, our mother called us for lunch. Our lunch consisted of peanut butter sandwiches.

After lunch, my brother and I went to take a nap. After we had woken up, my parents joined us for a swim. After we swam, we went to take a shower at the public toilets. After the shower, we packed up and went home.

[xpert]

Originally Posted by Tan Elaine

Hi everybody

Could someone go through this short composition and correct any errors found? I would appreciate any suggestions to improve the composition. Many thanks in advance for your help.

Last Sunday, my family and I went to the beach at the East Coast Park. When we stepped onto the sandy beach, a gentle breeze blew onto our faces.

My brother and I were rushing to the public toilets to change into our swimming attire. My parents laughed at seeing us in such a hurry.

After my brother and I had changed, we ran to the sea to have a swim. After swimming for about half an hour, our mother called us for lunch. Our lunch consisted of peanut butter sandwiches.

After lunch, my brother and I went to take a nap. After we had woken up, my parents joined us for a swim. After we swam, we went to take a shower at the public toilets. After the shower, we packed up and went home.

As far as I'm concerned, it is excellent.

[Tan Elaine]

Many thanks, Xpert.

You say my composition is excellent. Maybe that's the reason why no member has responded to my post. I believe, if my piece of writing is OK, members will feel that it is unnecessary to respond. to my post. However, it is heartwarming to receive your positive comment.

Many thanks again.

[Monticello]

Hi Tan,

Good job! Your short composition contains no grammatical or usage errors. And a reader can certainly tell from your writing that you and your family enjoyed a fun day at the beach.

A good writer is always searching for ways to improve his or her writing. After all, isn't that why you posted here? If you'd like to take your good beginning to a new level, here are some suggestions:

Think more about your reading audience as you write by providing key pieces of information that will not leave any gaps of understanding in your writing. For example, some additional things I would enjoy reading about in your piece are:

- Where is East Coast Park?
- How did you and your family get there?
- Is it your favorite beach to go to? If so, why?
- What made you and your brother rush so much to change into your swimsuits?
- Do you look forward to a return trip to ECP soon?

Though a reader may infer answers to these questions from your writing, by explicitly providing such additional pieces of information as you write you will establish a better connection with your reader. For example, I assume that your rushing to change into your swimsuits was because of your anticipation and excitement to dive into the cool ocean water. So tell us this! "As we drove to the beach in the family car, my brother and I could hardly wait ..." "As soon as we had staked out our spot on the beach, my brother and I raced to the bathhouse to change ..."

One last thing that you might consider for improving this piece is finding a variety of ways to express the sequence of events you write about. Beginning in the third paragraph, you rely solely on the word "after" to introduce each event. The effect of this for the reader is that it takes what was obviously an exciting and enjoyable day and makes it appear less so -- almost as if you are creating a shopping list!

But take heart, this is easy to fix. Just become familiar with more ways of expressing a sequence of events in your writing through the use of a variety of sequence words and phrases. Here is a one page .pdf file that will help you:

http://www.mrcoley.com/pdfs/Roving%2...02008-2009.pdf

Good luck with your writing!

[Tan Elaine]

Many thanks, Monticello, for your advice and the link.

I note that you and Xpert are teachers and I am, indeed, fortunate to have teachers guide me.