Please correct

[ram]

Hello. We are required to submit a story about people's experience with ATM machines. I am a level 6 student and still not confident with my English. Your comments will be valuable. Thank you.
My Mom’s Affair with the ATM


My mom met her first ATM when she was still studying to become a doctor. One day, the hospital authorities gathered the staff to announce that the usual way of getting wages will change. There will be no more checks or cash from the cashier. Everybody will go to the bank and claim their money through a machine called ATM, which was new then. There was a moment of silence followed by a gradually increasing volume of chatter. Questions were thrown from every corner of the room “how can the machine know how much?”, “wont the machine make mistakes?”, “how can we complain if there are problems?, the machine wont talk back!”, and there were simple problems that were not simple to most of them like “how can I talk with the machine, I don’t know computers!” and “what if I punched the wrong keys, will my money disappear?”

Patiently, the authorities explained the procedure to the doubtful crowd. Gradually, their fears dissipated but still most went home unconvinced. They, however, cannot complain, they were just government employees and these were government rules. My mom was one of those who went home grumbling. She considered herself conservative and very resistant to change. She consistently wanted to know “more reasons” before she “bowed down” to changes.

During that time, my father, who was also a doctor in the same hospital, saw my mom grumbling about the changes. This is an opportunity, he told himself, to impress my mom. He knew much about computers because he just came from the States. They were not yet close to each other during that time. My father were still finding ways of impressing and getting close to my mom. He hurriedly went to my mother’s side and asked what was the problem? Like a true blue Batanguena, my mother’s temper burst and she told him that she was inept when it comes to these machines. My Pa told my mom not to worry, that he would accompany her to the bank to teach her.

That was the start of their long trips to the bank. There were problems at first like “forgotten passwords”, “forgotten numbers” and “offline”. But my mom’s ability to tackle the machine improved and their romance improved faster. Their experience was never “forgotten” and their one wish yesterday, which was their 12th wedding anniversary, was that their marriage will be “online” forever.


Submitted by:
RAM C. Angelia
Level 6-502

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by ram

My Mom’s Affair with the ATM

Good title!

Originally Posted by ram

My mom met her first ATM when she was still studying to become a doctor.

That is a good beginning sentence. However, you might also explain that it was before your mom married your dad. Otherwise, there is a definite possibility of confusing the reader.

Originally Posted by ram

One day, the hospital authorities gathered the staff to announce that the usual way of getting wages will change.

Change will to would. (In this case, would is the past tense of will.)

Originally Posted by ram

There will be no more checks or cash from the cashier. Everybody will go to the bank and claim their money through a machine called ATM, which was new then.

See above.

Originally Posted by ram

There was a moment of silence followed by a gradually increasing volume of chatter. Questions were thrown from every corner of the room “how can the machine know how much?”, “wont the machine make mistakes?”, “how can we complain if there are problems?, the machine wont talk back!”, and there were simple problems that were not simple to most of them like “how can I talk with the machine, I don’t know computers!” and “what if I punched the wrong keys, will my money disappear?”

That is good, but there are punctuation and capitalization problems there. Also, punch would, I think, be better than punched (last "sentence").

Originally Posted by ram

Patiently, the authorities explained the procedure to the doubtful crowd. Gradually, their fears dissipated but still most went home unconvinced. They, however, cannot complain, they were just government employees and these were government rules. My mom was one of those who went home grumbling. She considered herself conservative and very resistant to change. She consistently wanted to know “more reasons” before she “bowed down” to changes.

Change cannot to could not (third sentence).

Originally Posted by ram

During that time, my father, who was also a doctor in the same hospital, saw my mom grumbling about the changes. This is an opportunity, he told himself, to impress my mom. He knew much about computers because he just came from the States. They were not yet close to each other during that time. My father were still finding ways of impressing and getting close to my mom. He hurriedly went to my mother’s side and asked what was the problem? Like a true blue Batanguena, my mother’s temper burst and she told him that she was inept when it comes to these machines. My Pa told my mom not to worry, that he would accompany her to the bank to teach her.

Using father and mother or mom and dad suggests that they were already married. Find a way to suggest their true relationship at that time.

Word pairs: father and mother; mom and dad; ma and pa.

QUOTE=ram]That was the start of their long trips to the bank. There were problems at first like “forgotten passwords”, “forgotten numbers” and “offline”. But my mom’s ability to tackle the machine improved and their romance improved faster. Their experience was never “forgotten” and their one wish yesterday, which was their 12th wedding anniversary, was that their marriage will be “online” forever.[/quote]
That is good.

[ram]

Dear Ronbee,
Thank you so much. I thought nobody will correct it.
I already submitted the piece to my reading teacher.
My mom told me it was good. I am so glad I saw this
website. I lied about my age, Im only 11. Cant enter
your website when I entered my birthday.
Sincerely,
RAM

[RonBee]

Say:

I thought nobody would correct it.

Did you tell your teacher you had help?

[ram]

Dear Ronbee,
The piece was already submitted when I got your corrections.
What's important for me is that I got it corrected.
Learning is more important than getting high grades.
RAM

[RonBee]

May I make some suggestions?

Originally Posted by ram

The piece was already submitted when I got your corrections.

The piece had already been submitted when I got your questions.

Originally Posted by ram

What's important for me is that I got it corrected.

What was important to me was that I got it corrected.

Originally Posted by ram

Learning is more important than getting high grades.

Really? That is an interesting attitude (and a laudable one). Certainly, if you learn your lessons well the grades will come. Some people learn their lessons well enough to get a decent grade on an exam and then they forget everything. In that case, they haven't really learned anything.

[ram]

Dear Ronbee,
Thanks again. Now I know why we learn language faster by conversing with a native speaker. How I hope, we have a native(English) speaker in our house. Getting good English teachers in our place costs a lot. Manila, which has many good English teachers, is far from our place.
For non-English speakers like us,writing is easier than speaking. Still, you have corrected so many mistakes in just 4 or 5 sentences. As you have noticed I have trouble using the past participle. I hope you wont tire correcting my correspondence.
There's a sudden interest again in English here in our country because the country's no.1 source of earnings now is human/service export. There is sudden efflux of manpower (nurses, teachers) to US and UK and passing the Toefl is a requirement. In our school, students who speak in English all the time are given additional credits, so we try to speak English most of the time, even if our English is corrupted/convoluted -we call this "carabao english". It would have been better if there is someome beside us to correct us always.
By the way, if you go to CNN, you would notice one thousand persons were dead and missing in our country after the typhoon hit us. Please help me pray for them.
Ram

[RonBee]

I am sorry to hear about the loss of life caused by the typhoon.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by ram

Dear Ronbee,
Thanks again. Now I know why we learn language faster by conversing with a native speaker. How I hope, we have a native(English) speaker in our house. Getting good English teachers in our place costs a lot. Manila, which has many good English teachers, is far from our place.
For non-English speakers like us,writing is easier than speaking. Still, you have corrected so many mistakes in just 4 or 5 sentences. As you have noticed I have trouble using the past participle. I hope you wont tire correcting my correspondence.
There's a sudden interest again in English here in our country because the country's no.1 source of earnings now is human/service export. There is sudden efflux of manpower (nurses, teachers) to US and UK and passing the Toefl is a requirement. In our school, students who speak in English all the time are given additional credits, so we try to speak English most of the time, even if our English is corrupted/convoluted -we call this "carabao english". It would have been better if there is someome beside us to correct us always.
By the way, if you go to CNN, you would notice one thousand persons were dead and missing in our country after the typhoon hit us. Please help me pray for them.
Ram

I think your English is quite good, but I do have a suggestion. The word hope is always about the future. Thus, you can say I hope we get a native English speaker to come to our house, but you can't say I hope we have a native English speaker at our house. You can't hope you have something. (Even when the sentence in question concerns a past event ("I hope you did well") the word hope is still about the future in that it is about expectations.)

Originally Posted by RonBee

The word hope is always about the future. Thus, you can say I hope we get a native English speaker to come to our house, but you can't say I hope we have a native English speaker at our house. You can't hope you have something. (Even when the sentence in question concerns a past event ("I hope you did well") the word hope is still about the future in that it is about expectations.)

hope isn't so much about the future as about the unknown

if you don't know how your team did, you can hope they did well

if you know they did poorly, you can wish they had done better

i think he was trying to say "How i wish we had a native English speaker in our house"