Intro Paragraph help on Iliad essay

This professor absolutely HATES my style of writing essays. The grade I get for the class is based on the 4 essays we write. My first paper was a D-, the second was a D. This is the third.

English teachers and professors have always praised me for my writing and analysis skills. This will be the first time that I'm worried about getting worse than a B in a critical writing course.

So please, any help for this intro paragraph would be MUCH appreciated. The more negative comments, the better.

In Homer’s Iliad, an early, glorious death is the only means by which a warrior may obtain immortality as a hero. To die meaninglessly is essentially the same as forfeiting ones own life. Jean-Pierre Vernant in his essay, “A ‘Beautiful Death’ and the Disfigured corpse in Homeric Epic,” describes the importance of recognition by stating,
“Archaic Greek culture is one in which everyone lives in terms of others, under the eyes and in the esteem of others, where the basis of a personality is confirmed by the extent to which its reputation is known; in such a context, real death lies in amnesia, silence, demeaning obscurity, the absence of fame. By contrast, real existence—for the living or the dead—comes from being recognized, values, and honored. Above all, it comes from being glorified as the central figure in a song of praise, a story that endlessly tells and retells a destiny admired by all” (57).

Therefore, without great poets like Homer in an age without writing, none of the Greeks would have ever become heroes; song and poetry were the medium by which men gained immortality. Among the forgotten would have been possibly the greatest hero of all time, Achilleus. Homer composed the epic poem, the Iliad, in order to preserve the beautiful quality of Achilleus’ final glory. By killing Hektor and dying in the tempest of battle, Achilleus has established himself as a hero until the end of time.

[Tdol]

Maybe it's a bit heavy on quotation, but I don't see why you're getting Ds for this kind of writing. Has your teacher given you any guidelines?

There have been no guidelines whatsoever. I've given him 3 drafts of my intro paragraph before this one and he's disliked them all; this is the second time I've used a quotation in any of the drafts!

His advice is to read good essays from the library, which I've done. I think I'm writing in a very similar style. The objective is to analyze the text, possibly by relating a specific passage to a greater theme or the rest of the text.

It's very frustrating to be getting Ds in this class. At this point I can't get higher than a C in the course (if I got a perfect A on this paper and the final paper perhaps - but the likelihood is 0). I read another student's paper, who got a A-, and it was full of grammatical errors that he had circled. There was even a misinterpretation of the text that he pointed out.

Any other advice for this intro? Here's one of the intros that he disliked and stated that it was "not rigorously conceived ---

Immortality has been the impossible objective of man since the time of his creation. Some men seek to live forever, whereas others are determined to leave a legacy so that their names and actions will be remembered throughout history. In the Iliad, Achilleus seeks immortality through glory in combat. He is already a man wit supernatural abilities in combat. This alone surelly would have been enough for Achilleus to leave his mark on future generations and would have at least earned him a few songs to be sung by future generations. However, this is not enough for truly great men. His ultimate aim is to become a fantastic spectacle on the battlefield through courage, strength, and skill so that his name may live on forever without abandon. He found his opportunity in Hektor, who had to die so that both men could live forever in story. Achilleus was destined to kill Hektor and then die gloriously in battle because his extraordinary abilities were not enough to forever make him be known as the greatest warrior who ever lived.

[Tdol]

Is it something personal? I have to dash now, but I'll look again later when I have some time.

[Tdol]

As intros, they read well. A lot depends on the analysis that comes after and how related to the texts it is. Can you ask for a remark by a different teacher?