[Essay] My essay for a scholarship admission.

[Super Sonic]

Hello,

I am supposed to write an essay answering the questions below:

"STUDY/RESEARCH OBJECTIVES

Write a clear and detailed description of your study/research objectives, and give your reasons for wanting to pursue
them. Be specific about your major field and your specialized interests within this field. Describe the kind of program you
expect to undertake, and explain how your study plan fits in with your previous training and your future objectives. This
statement is an essential part of your application and is required. Do not mention specific U.S. universities at which
you would like to study."

And here is my essay:

"The future is shaped depending on our current thoughts. This is the philosophy I believe in and practice in my life. Therefore, my future is already set in my mind. The only thing that remains to be done is to set free my future into the real life, pretty much like how a sculptor first envisages what the sculpture he is going to sculpt should look like and then realizes it.

My academic goals revolve around the world of Linguistics. As I will officially be a linguist -a scientist who simply cannot afford to stop following the developments in his field- after my graduation, I am going to strive to obtain both my M.A. and Ph.D. degrees to try and become a fully competent linguist. As one of the world’s most developed countries, America is going to play an accelerating role in achieving my aims. Getting all bits and pieces of knowledge on Linguistics and using all the facilities available to me in the United States are going to be my primary tools for reaching my destiny. After this process, I am going to return to my home country and become a Professor of Linguistics, giving lectures and taking part in Linguistics-related projects throughout Turkey and in other countries when possible.

Specifically, my areas of interest include Psycholinguistics, Phonology, Computational Linguistics and Sociolinguistics.

Psycholinguistics intrigues me, because it is really fascinating how human beings acquire their mother tongue in a matter of few years, understand any piece of its written or spoken form in a matter of few milliseconds and use it in any length at will.

Phonology is of importance to me since I have always liked the idea of breaking up language into its segments. To me it is most of the time about knowing the smallest -and seemingly unimportant- part of a system if one is to understand the functions of a bigger part. Thus, the sounds of a language play a major role in the way that language is used and the study of these sounds is equally important to me.

Computational Linguistics not only combines two of my favorite sciences -Linguistics and Computer science- but also deals with one of my favorite subjects; artificial intelligence. No matter how much I am interested in Computational Linguistics, I am far from being sufficient in this field. I am eager to specialize in and make big contributions to this field by making use of the opportunities provided to me in the United States.

As a member of a multilingual and multicultural society, I have developed an interest towards Sociolinguistic studies. I am keen on integrating my Psycholinguistic and Phonological interest into Sociolinguistics to better understand the effects of society on language.

If I were given the option to pick only two of these sub-fields of Linguistics, however, I would choose to specialize in Psycholinguistics and Computational Linguistics in the future. My reasoning for choosing Psycholinguistics is that the psychological phenomena behind the use and understanding of language are still shrouded in mystery for the most part and I am particularly interested in the unknown. Then, I would choose Computational Linguistics, because we are progressing towards an age where almost everything, including language itself, is molded to a certain extent by computers and I strongly desire to take part in this progression.

Consequently, I am going to resort to every means necessary to become an important name in Linguistics, do my best to make my country one of the most efficient and productive Linguistics centers and work diligently to contribute to the field. "

Do you think this essay is sufficient for the questions asked? If not, how would you recommend me to enrich it? Could you please point out the grammar/logical mistakes if there is any in the essay? Thank you in advance.

[David L.]

"STUDY/RESEARCH OBJECTIVES

Write a clear and detailed description of your study/research objectives, and give your reasons for wanting to pursue
them. Be specific about your major field and your specialized interests within this field. Describe the kind of program you
expect to undertake, and explain how your study plan fits in with your previous training and your future objectives. This
statement is an essential part of your application and is required. Do not mention specific U.S. universities at which
you would like to study."

And here is my essay:

"The future is shaped depending on by our current thoughts present thinking. This is the philosophy I believe in my philosophy, put into daily practice. Therefore, ; so my future is already firmly set in my mind. The only thing that remains to be done one thing remaining is to set free my future, into the real life, pretty much like how perhaps similar to a sculptor who first envisages what the sculpture he is going to sculpt should look like his art, and then realizes it.

Here's the paragraph:
The future is shaped by our present thinking. This is my philosophy, put into daily practice; so my future is firmly set in my mind. The one thing remaining is to set free my future, perhaps similar to a sculptor who first envisages his art, and then realizes it.

I really like your opening, and the fact that you didn't launch straight into the nitty gritty details. However, I do seem to have rather taken a hatchet to it. Before I continue, I'd better get some feedback as to whether this isn't too demoralizing for you: I hope not. For example, if you 'have a philosophy" then you must, ipso facto, believe in it - you don't need to say so.


My academic goals revolve around the world of Linguistics. As I will officially be a linguist -a scientist who simply cannot afford to stop following the developments in his field- after my graduation, I am going to strive to obtain both my M.A. and Ph.D. degrees to try and become a fully competent linguist. As one of the world’s most developed countries, America is going to play an accelerating role in achieving my aims. Getting all bits and pieces of knowledge on Linguistics and using all the facilities available to me in the United States are going to be my primary tools for reaching my destiny. After this process, I am going to return to my home country and become a Professor of Linguistics, giving lectures and taking part in Linguistics-related projects throughout Turkey and in other countries when possible.

Specifically, my areas of interest include Psycholinguistics, Phonology, Computational Linguistics and Sociolinguistics.

Psycholinguistics intrigues me, because it is really fascinating how human beings acquire their mother tongue in a matter of few years, understand any piece of its written or spoken form in a matter of few milliseconds and use it in any length at will.

Phonology is of importance to me since I have always liked the idea of breaking up language into its segments. To me it is most of the time about knowing the smallest -and seemingly unimportant- part of a system if one is to understand the functions of a bigger part. Thus, the sounds of a language play a major role in the way that language is used and the study of these sounds is equally important to me.

Computational Linguistics not only combines two of my favorite sciences -Linguistics and Computer science- but also deals with one of my favorite subjects; artificial intelligence. No matter how much I am interested in Computational Linguistics, I am far from being sufficient in this field. I am eager to specialize in and make big contributions to this field by making use of the opportunities provided to me in the United States.

As a member of a multilingual and multicultural society, I have developed an interest towards Sociolinguistic studies. I am keen on integrating my Psycholinguistic and Phonological interest into Sociolinguistics to better understand the effects of society on language.

If I were given the option to pick only two of these sub-fields of Linguistics, however, I would choose to specialize in Psycholinguistics and Computational Linguistics in the future. My reasoning for choosing Psycholinguistics is that the psychological phenomena behind the use and understanding of language are still shrouded in mystery for the most part and I am particularly interested in the unknown. Then, I would choose Computational Linguistics, because we are progressing towards an age where almost everything, including language itself, is molded to a certain extent by computers and I strongly desire to take part in this progression.

Consequently, I am going to resort to every means necessary to become an important name in Linguistics, do my best to make my country one of the most efficient and productive Linguistics centers and work diligently to contribute to the field. "

Do you think this essay is sufficient for the questions asked? If not, how would you recommend me to enrich it? Could you please point out the grammar/logical mistakes if there is any in the essay? Thank you in advance.[/QUOTE]

[Super Sonic]

Thank you David L. sir. Have you found the rest of the essay good? I can't see any changes made on them. Thank you.

[David L.]

I'll take that as a go-ahead.

Check back about this time tomorrow. I'll do it in dribs and drabs: I am at the mercy of my muse.

[Super Sonic]

Alright. Thank you. It is not demoralizing at all by the way :) I like my errors corrected.

[Linger]

Hi Super Sonic,

Is there any new part editted by Master David

Looking forward to...

[David L.]

Thank you for your patience. It needs more than proofreading - it needs a reorganization of the ideas.
I've printed out a hard copy so that I can work on that aspect more easily.
Will be back.

[Super Sonic]

Awww, now that's demoralizing

[David L.]

If you're already feeling demoralized, then there's no need to hold back for fear of that.

Even re-organizing the development of ideas in the essay does not circumvent the essential flaw in your letter.

Firstly, though, you have not complied with two of the aspects requested, namely, your previous training, and a knowledge of the kind of program you want to enter. While they ask you not to mention any specific tertiary institutions, it is as if you have not read the handbooks for any universities and so know the program or kind of program you want to enter. Rather, you state: "America is going to play an accelerating role in achieving my aims."

I'm afraid, as it stands, phrases such as 'I will officially be a linguist', with Masters and PhDs, and be a Professor giving lectures and doing projects throughout Turkey, making big contributions 'and become an important name' and 'getting all bits and pieces of knowledge...for reaching my destiny' -
well, it's all a bit like saying, "I want to be President and talk with world leaders and change the world', but first I need 'a few more bits and pieces' of information about politics." You mention several areas of linguistics, but apart from 'a fascination' and 'the sounds of a language play a major role...in language', the reader does not detect any depth to your grasp of this subject area.
I can only suggest that you completely re-write the body of your letter.

[Super Sonic]

Originally Posted by David L.

If you're already feeling demoralized, then there's no need to hold back for fear of that.

Even re-organizing the development of ideas in the essay does not circumvent the essential flaw in your letter.

Firstly, though, you have not complied with two of the aspects requested, namely, your previous training, and a knowledge of the kind of program you want to enter. While they ask you not to mention any specific tertiary institutions, it is as if you have not read the handbooks for any universities and so know the program or kind of program you want to enter. Rather, you state: "America is going to play an accelerating role in achieving my aims."

I'm afraid, as it stands, phrases such as 'I will officially be a linguist', with Masters and PhDs, and be a Professor giving lectures and doing projects throughout Turkey, making big contributions 'and become an important name' and 'getting all bits and pieces of knowledge...for reaching my destiny' -
well, it's all a bit like saying, "I want to be President and talk with world leaders and change the world', but first I need 'a few more bits and pieces' of information about politics." You mention several areas of linguistics, but apart from 'a fascination' and 'the sounds of a language play a major role...in language', the reader does not detect any depth to your grasp of this subject area.
I can only suggest that you completely re-write the body of your letter.

Thank you.

I don't understand why it's wrong to say that I'm going to change the world after getting the knowledge I seek if that's what I really intend to do.
Do they really want me to tell them how much I know about my field in the instructions? In which part, please?
And lastly, I don't understand the part I highlighted in your original message. It is true that I didn't read any handbooks for any universities, I just happened to research about them on the Internet, if that's what you mean.

Thank you.