The First Lighthouse in\at Alexandria??

[Rosamond00]

For the following topic, two translations are provided. Please highlight the better one.

The First Lighthouse in Alexandria

Alexandria, the chief seaport in Egypt, was named after its founder Alexander the Great. Having decided it was the most suitable location for a harbour and a wealthy city, he sent for Dinocrates, the eminent Macedonian architect, and asked him to draw the necessary outlines for a city in that location. Dinocrates gained a widespread fame through this work. At that time, the Lighthouse was located on a small island separated from the main land. Dinocrates linked the island to Alexandria through an artificial one-mile long bridge.
A tragedy led to the first building of the Lighthouse in Alexandria. Sastratus desired to marry a beautiful maiden from Athena. On the wedding day, she sailed with her parents to cross the sea passage separating Greece from Egypt. As they approached Egypt, the sea that had been quite calm throughout the voyage became rough. The darkness of night prevented them from seeing ahead; and those on land heard their screams but could not offer any help either. At dawn, Sastratus and his relatives found out that the bride and all her escorts had drowned; their ship had hit some solid rocks and crashed into pieces. The accident was a great grief to Sasturats who quit (gave up) his job and passed his time mourning over it.

Dinocrates, on the other hand, suggested building a high tower on that island, on top of which fire would be lit, in order to enable those on the sea to recognize (discern) the dangerous shallow places and rocks near the beach. The Lighthouse was set up at the eastern end of the island near the entrance of the harbour.


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The First Lighthouse at Alexandria.

Alexandria, the chief seaport of Egypt, is named after Alexander the Great, who was its founder. Having decided that this place was ideally situated for a harbour and a wealthy town, he sent for Dinocrates, the distinguished Macedonian architect and asked him to draw plans for the building of a town on this site, and through this work Dinocrates won increased fame. The Lighthouse was then on a small island separated from the main land, but Dino by erecting an artificial dyke which extended nearly for a mile, joined it to Alexandria.
A tragedy led to the building of the first Lighthouse. Sostratus, one of the pupils of Dinocrates, desired to marry an Athenian maiden, and when time for wedding arrived, the girl together with her parents set out to cross the piece of water separating Greece from Egypt. As they approached Egypt, the sea which was up to then quite calm, became very rough, and the darkness of night prevented them from seeing ahead; neither could those on land who heard their cries, help them in any way. When the dawn came, Sos and his relatives found out that his bride and all who had accompanied her had been drowned, for the ship had struck against some terrible rocks and broke into pieces. Sos was so overcome with grief that he gave up his work and passed his time in sighing and weeping over the event.

Then Dino suggested to build a high tower on the island from the top of which flames would show to those on the sea the rocks and dangerous shoals near the coast. The Lighthouse was set up at the eastern end of the isle by the entrance to the harbour.

[konungursvia]

We can't evaluate it as a translation without the original. The first seems more modern, more idiomatic today.

[Monticello]

Hi Rosamond00,

My preference is for the second translation, as it provides a few more pertinent details. I would suggest the following edits for this translation (comments in blue):

The First Lighthouse at Alexandria.
(No period should be used after a title. Also, though it is not incorrect, you do not need to underline the title here. Instead, set it off from the text by either bolding it or providing a larger font size, or both. The title should be centered as you have already done. The left alignment is my formatting mistake, which I failed to notice while editing.)

Alexandria, the chief seaport of Egypt, is named after Alexander the Great, who was its founder. Having decided that this place was ideally situated for a harbour and a wealthy town, he sent for Dinocrates, the distinguished Macedonian architect, and asked him to draw (up) plans for the building of a town on this site. (Without ending this sentence here, it spills over into a run-on.) and through Through this work, Dinocrates won increased fame.

The Lighthouse of Alexandria (Capitalize the full title for the lighthouse here upon its first mention; subsequently, when you write of only "the lighthouse," use lower case.) was then on a small island separated from the main land mainland, but Dinocrates, (Are we really on familiar terms with him? ) by erecting an artificial dyke which extended nearly for a mile, joined it to Alexandria.

A tragedy led to the building of the first Lighthouse lighthouse. Sostratus, one of the pupils of Dinocrates, desired to marry an Athenian maiden, and when the time for the wedding arrived, the girl together with her parents set out to cross the piece expanse of water separating Greece from Egypt. As they approached Egypt, the sea, which was up to then quite calm, became very rough(Comma deleted here.) and the darkness of night prevented them from seeing ahead; neither could those on land, who heard their cries, help them in any way.

When the dawn came, Sostratus and his relatives found out discovered that his bride and all who had accompanied her had been drowned, for the ship had struck against some terrible rocks and broke had broken (The word broke is the simple past for the verb to break; broken is its past participle. To make any sense here, your verb phrase needs to agree in tense with the sentence's previous verb phrase had struck -- thus had broken.) into pieces. Sostratus was so overcome with grief that he gave up his work. and passed his time in sighing and weeping over the He continued to mourn the great loss he had suffered from this (terrible) event.

Then As a result of this tragic incident, Dino suggested to build building a high tower on the island from the top of which flames would show to alert those on the at sea to the danger of the rocks and shoals near the coast. The Lighthouse lighthouse was set up at the eastern end of the isle by the entrance to the harbour.

[Rosamond00]

I thank you, sir.

But concerning the style, language, and grammar, which of the two is better (before your corrections are added)

Apart from details,
as a language teacher, which is better English?

Are there any corrections for the first one to make it better

[David L.]

There are parts of the first which are better than the second...and parts of the second which are better!

The two need putting together.

[Monticello]

There are parts of the first which are better than the second...and parts of the second which are better!

The two need putting together.

Hi Rosamond00,

David L.'s assessment here is one I, too, share.

As I stated in my previous post, "[m]y preference is for the second translation, as it provides a few more pertinent details."

Reread both translations that you have supplied with an eye for what specific information is missing from the first translation, and how this adds to its weakness.

Then you might also go through each translation one sentence at a time, separating out those sentences from each for a parallel comparison. To do this methodically, you might consider creating a two column table, one column for translation one, the other for translation two. After you have completed this exercise, you will have a concrete means -- via this table you have carefully constructed -- to compare each sentence from both translations.

Your job then is to decide which sentence structure works best and why. For your own reference, make notes about each choice you make as you go. This will take some time. But it's time invested in work that will pay off for you -- much more so than if a someone with more experience were to do it for you!

Feel free to post your synthesized translation back here to this thread for review.

Good luck!

[David L.]

Here are the best phrasings put together, without too much 'creative editing' on my part.

Alexandria, the chief seaport of Egypt, was named after its founder, Alexander the Great. Having decided it was the most suitable location for a harbour and a wealthy city, he sent for Dinocrates, the eminent Macedonian architect, and asked him to draw up the plans. Dinocrates enhanced his fame through this work. At the time, the Lighthouse was located on a small island separated from the main land. Dinocrates linked the island to Alexandria by a one-mile long causeway.

It was a tragedy that led to the building of the Lighthouse in Alexandria. Sostratus, one of the pupils of Dinocrates, desired to marry an Athenian maiden. She sailed with her parents, crossing the sea separating Greece from Egypt. As they approached Egypt, the previously calm sea became very rough, and the darkness of night prevented them from seeing ahead. Those on land who heard their cries could not help, and at dawn, Sastratus and his relatives learned that his bride and all who accompanied her had drowned, for their ship had struck rocks and broken apart. Sasturats was so overcome with grief that he gave up his work and passed his time in sighing and weeping over the event.

Dinocrates, meanwhile, suggested building a high tower on the island, from the top of which flames would show those on the sea the rocks and dangerous shoals near the coast. The Lighthouse was erected at the eastern end of the isle near the entrance to the harbour.

[Monticello]

Hi Rosamond00,

David :L.'s a natural at this.

Perhaps he'll even provide you with detailed explanations as to the choices he has made in order to arrive at this particular synthesis of the two translations.

If not, then it would still be a very rewarding exercise for you to step through what he has posted -- with an eye toward undertanding his logic.

Good luck!

[Rosamond00]

Many thanks, indeed.

I will try to complete the rest myself.

Many thanks once again!

[Rosamond00]

Just a tiny question:

should it be in or at Alex.??