Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

[neddymak]

I have been working in a company as an intern one year ago and left to further my study. I would now like to email the company to ask for job openings. Here is my draft:

"Dear XXX,

This is XXX who has worked as an intern under (manager's name) in Summer 2008. During the time in the company, I have always enjoyed working with my fellows, and definitely, developed the sense of being a professional engineer. I would like to once again express my appreciation for giving me such a valuable chance.

After completing my degree in (name of university), I would like to devote into the industry and returning to (company's name) has always been my first priority.

As I am going to graduate in the coming May, I would like to see if there will be any open positions into which I can fit.

I look forward to hearing from you concerning a possible return to (company's name) and contributing again as a member of the organization.

Regards,

xxx"

Could anyone please comment on it or help me edit it such that it sounds more proper and a bit more professional? Thanks a lot.

[gabber]

Dear XXX:
In the spring of 2008 I worked as an intern at [Firm name] ; my supervisor was .... I liked the work and the atmosphere at [...] very much, and I'd like to work there again, as an engineer, after I graduate from [university/college] this May.
Yours respectfully,
XXX

[neddymak]

Thanks for your reply gabber.
I understand that you are suggesting a simplier and cleaner way to do the job. But I am actually sending this email to a HR guy, and I wanna make it a bit more professional instead of too personal.
Could anyone please help?

[David L.]

I woulda, but you lost my interest when I say that you used 'wanna'.

[neddymak]

I woulda, but you lost my interest when I say that you used 'wanna'.

Thanks for your comment. Just don't see the point of trying to edit my speaking instead of my passage

[David L.]

You will when you can't even turn it off in this English language forum, and out of habit it slips out at a job interview!! And then, of course, there's how long-established professionals will view you...askance, me thinks, when you sound like a blogging teenager - that, or a 4 year old: "wanna ice-cream! wanna ice-cream!" Count me as the first to do so that you know of.

But don't let me stop you. I just wouldn't take you seriously enough to give my time to responding seriously.