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[Twisted_Illusion]

Hello, I would be grateful if you make the "effort" to check my piece of writing. I am sitting the FCE exam this June so I need to have a clear idea of my writing abilities and I strongly believe that this is the right place for me to get it. So , I would definitely appreciate it if you check ,and make some comments on my story(it is not that creative,but...) . . . Thank you in advance. : )




Your teacher has asked you to write a story for an international magazine. The story must end with the following words:It was then that I realised what a stupid mistake I had made.

It was a lovely hot summer day. The sun was shining vigorously and the whiff of cool wind was a welcome relief.
My father and I were strolling down the endless shady paths of the local park, trying to avoid the severe and unbearable heat. He was ambitious,diligent and rather strict and tough at times,but deep within he was a vulnerable and virtuous man.He adored spending his little spare time with me and did it every time he could. I for my part loved him with the bottom of my heart but for some strange reason, unwittingly I always managed to spoil the great time we were having. This time I was hoping not to do that and I had no intentions of deliberately irritating him.
However,as we were sitting on a bench and eating ice-cream, I did exactly what always made my father angry and furthermore, it provoked him into wildly shouting at me. Seemingly, it was nothing serious but for him it was unforgivable. I threw my ice-cream wrapping on the ground and I did not show any sign of remorse for doing so .My father looked straight into my eyes,frowned at me and left the park without even saying "bye". It was then that I realised what a stupid mistake I had made.

[Twisted_Illusion]

Anyone ?

[Barb_D]

Hello, I would be grateful if you make the "effort" to check my piece of writing. I am sitting the FCE exam this June so I need to have a clear idea of my writing abilities and I strongly believe that this is the right place for me to get it. So , I would definitely appreciate it if you check ,and make some comments on my story(it is not that creative,but...) . . . Thank you in advance. : )




Your teacher has asked you to write a story for an international magazine. The story must end with the following words:It was then that I realised what a stupid mistake I had made.

It was a lovely hot summer day. The sun was shining vigorously and the whiff Not the right word. Hint? of a cool wind was a welcome relief.
My father and I were strolling down the endless shady paths of the local park, trying to avoid the severe and unbearable heat. A cool wind with "sever and unbearable heat" doesn't sound right together. He was ambitious,diligent and rather strict and tough at times,but deep within he was a vulnerable and virtuous man.He adored spending his little spare time with me and did so every chance he could. I, for my part, loved him from the bottom of my heart, but for some strange reason, unwittingly I always managed to spoil whatever great time we were having. This time I was hoping not to do that and I had no intentions of deliberately irritating him.
However,as we were sitting on a bench and eating ice cream, I did exactly what always made my father angry and furthermore, it provoked him into wildly shouting at me. Seemingly, it was nothing serious, but for him it was unforgivable. I threw my ice cream wrapper on the ground and I did not show any sign of remorse for doing so .My father looked straight into my eyes,frowned at me and left the park without even saying "bye". It was then that I realised what a stupid mistake I had made.

Okay, but if you provoked him into wildly shouting at you (I'd reverse the order) how did he look in your eyes and get up and leave without saying a word?

It's not very logical that you did exactly what always made him angry if you are determined to not irritate him. If you knew that littering was a big deal for him (and you must know it, if it always made him angry), why would you do so when you were trying very hard to keep things happy?

This is a rather sad story.

[Twisted_Illusion]

Firstly ,thank you for your exhaustive corrections . They were really useful to me.
As concerns your questions... As far as I am familiar with the meaning of the word "whiff" ,it is basically a quick puff or slight gust especially of air. And as for "A cool wind with "severe and unbearable heat" doesn't sound right together". I disinctly explicate at the beginninig of my story that it was a welcome relief. So it additionally emphasises on the severeness of the heat... Though it really makes the story a bit ambiguous.
And as for the other ambiguities and thoughtlessnesses. I attribute them to my dissipation when writing ,and what is more ,to my inexistent talent for writing.
But what I need to know ,however, is whether the story is gramatically correct and the vocabulary used in it ,is appropriate. :)