please help me correct my essay

[fflb]

Hi, Im writing an essay and I would be very happy if you could help me correct it. Im from Sweden and this is my chance to get the highest grade in English you can get in Sweden.

The effect of violence:

In the last couple of years, there have been cases of children killing other children. People have speculated about why that is. Some blame it on social problems, some say it’s the TV and video-games who is the villain, and I say it´s a combination of both of them. I think the reason why persons blame the video-game industry is because it´s so much easier to blame manufacturers they’ve never met than to blame someone close by. Like a parent or the child who killed somebody.

I´ve read a little about this, and my opinion is that you need to be mentally ill to go out and kill somebody, just because you want to see if it´s just as easily to kill in real life as it is on a video-game. One guy I´ve read about said that he wanted to see if he could rob a taxi the way he could in the vide-game. But the taxi driver did more resistance then what the game version did (no kidding?) so he ended up killing him.

If you are mentally stable, you understand that is wrong to kill, no matter what situation you are in. But when you are a young person, with a developing brain, already angry and spend hours and hours rehearsing violent acts, and then put in a situation of strong emotional stress there´s a likelihood that he will go out and repeat that familiar pattern he´s been doing perhaps thousands and thousand times.

The police claim that the video-games in fact train the teenagers to become killers and give them a murder simulation. Maybe the people who create those games want murderer? I don’t think so.

Someone who plays for example Grand Theft Auto (one of the violent games that children who kill other children play) and doesn’t have a troubled upbringing, criminal records and stuff like that, go out and kill somebody, than I can start considerate the possibility that video-game creators train children to commit murder. But as long as I just read about kids who has had a hard life and commit murder, then I have to say “they mentally ill, they need help and there guardian needs to say no to violent games!”

Nobody can for sure say that the violent games influence children to commit crimes, the only ones that know for sure is the kids them self. And you can´t trust them to tell the truth either. You don’t know if they really mean that or if they just say it in defense because they want to come away with the crime. But of course, there have been cases where the crime is identical with a scene from a game. Then I guess you don’t have much of a choice but to believe them.

My conclusion is that children can commit a crime affected by the games, but they must be mentally ill, has had a troubled upbringing or maybe addicted to drugs to do something that terrible. I think that game stores should be harder on age limits and that the guardians of the children need to say stop if they notice an addiction to a game.

[Raymott]

Hi, Im writing an essay and I would be very happy if you could help me correct it. Im from Sweden and this is my chance to get the highest grade in English you can get in Sweden.

Yes, but wouldn't it be sad to have to cheat to get it?
Think about it objectively. Doesn't the highest grade belong to the person who submits the best essay that they themselves have written, based on their own talent and diligent work?
Someone might correct your essay, and if you do really well, we and they will know that you cheated; but more importantly, you will know that you cheated.

[fflb]

Yes, but wouldn't it be sad to have to cheat to get it?
Think about it objectively. Doesn't the highest grade belong to the person who submits the best essay that they themselves have written, based on their own talent and diligent work?
Someone might correct your essay, and if you do really well, we and they will know that you cheated; but more importantly, you will know that you cheated.

well my teacher said i could get help from somebody who is good at english, so I dont think about it as cheating. Cheating would be if I asked someone to write the whole thing. Don´t you agree?

[Raymott]

well my teacher said i could get help from somebody who is good at english, so I dont think about it as cheating. Cheating would be if I asked someone to write the whole thing. Don´t you agree?

I'm not sure about the education system in Sweden. If they really give the best marks in English to the student who can find the best copy editor on the 'net, then it's all rather silly. Why bother giving marks for English at all if they don't reflect your ability to write good English?
As far as whether it's cheating, I don't have enough information to say. Your teacher's telling you that you may get help does not, by itself, make it not cheating, if higher authorities think your essay is being marked on your own abilities. I think it would depend on whether every other student with whom you are competing for this high mark has been given permission to submit other people's work as well.
In any event, good luck. I'm sure you'll do well.

[fflb]

Well, Im not competing against other students, everybody can get MVG (like an A). If a ask someone to correct my essay, why should that be cheating? I could just ask my mum, right? You cant say that everybody who ask a family member for help is cheating, can you? Then I can promise you that every student in the world CHEAT. But let´s face it, Im from Sweden and my mum have a much worse english than I have, so she cant help me. Thats why Im asking people who speak english as mother tongue. You see my point?

[Raymott]

Well, Im not competing against other students, everybody can get MVG (like an A). If a ask someone to correct my essay, why should that be cheating? I could just ask my mum, right? You cant say that everybody who ask a family member for help is cheating, can you? Then I can promise you that every student in the world CHEAT. But let´s face it, Im from Sweden and my mum have a much worse english than I have, so she cant help me. Thats why Im asking people who speak english as mother tongue. You see my point?

Yes, I can see your point, but I don't agree with it.
If you get an A in an assessment because someone else has already corrected your work, then the A simply means you are proficient at getting other people to do your work for you. It says nothing about your English abilities which, judging by your posts, is good but not special.
It is a very good idea to get other people's help when you are learning, but not if you are being individually examined.
Do you intend to acknowledge the people who've edited your work by attributing their contributions on your essay?
If you get an A in English, will people in Sweden assume you are good at English, or is getting an A as meaningless as it seems to be?

[fflb]

Raymott, you can´t honestley say that you never asked someone to correct your schookwork BEFORE you gave it to the teacher?

Crap, well Im must have cheated on every homework I´ve ever got! Come on! Do you think is wrong to use a dictionary? to ask for help? I don´t understand, you have corrrected other members work, why not mine? Im sure almost everyone else are being individually examined. Don´t you think? I´ve never said Im special, I just asked for some help.

FYI now some people from Sweden has read my essay and corrected it, and I told my teacher about it, and she said it was a good idea! And she gave me an A on my essay^^ thanks for the good debate.

[Raymott]

Raymott, you can´t honestley say that you never asked someone to correct your schookwork BEFORE you gave it to the teacher?
I can't remember ever having done this. My teachers were usually quite capable of checking it and correcting me - that's what they are paid for; and that's the process my parents encouraged. This probably doesn't work for everyone. But I thought we were talking about an exam situation here - not just homework.

Crap, well Im must have cheated on every homework I´ve ever got! Come on! Do you think is wrong to use a dictionary? to ask for help? I don´t understand, you have corrrected other members work, why not mine? Im sure almost everyone else are being individually examined. Don´t you think? I´ve never said Im special, I just asked for some help.

I try to avoid correcting what I think is homework meant for assessment for grades; and so do some other teachers here. It encourages laziness, mediocrity, and it is not fair on students who submit their own work for assessment. Naturally it's not always easy to differentiate; and no doubt I have earned a few As for other people here.
It might surprise you that some people are genuinely interested in improving their English skills and competence, and ask questions here for non-academic purposes.

FYI now some people from Sweden has read my essay and corrected it, and I told my teacher about it, and she said it was a good idea! And she gave me an A on my essay^^
As I said, I'm not familiar with the Swedish system. I know that socialism is very strong in your country. Perhaps personal achievement and individual effort is not valued highly there. But I still don't understand why you can't see the anomaly in awarding an A to a student B for the work done by teacher or student C.

thanks for the good debate.

You're welcome. Come back any time, but without your exam paper.
R.