What can I change with my book review?

Im supposed to write a 1 page review of a book and how it effected me. Please check for any mistakes. Thanks in advance.

Book: She’s Come Undone

Having read a number of books in my time. Ranging from the provocative ‘Roots’ to the bittersweet award winning novel ‘Angela’s Ashes’, none have accomplished the goal of affecting me so much as ‘She’s Come Undone’. The tale is written in the first-person narrative and depicts the life of an ordinary girl placed under extraordinary circumstances and how she hides behind an overweight, confused and pessimistic persona.

Many surprises are in store for the readers of this book. The main surprise being the authors sex. Many times I caught myself checking the back of the book in order to reread the authors name, as he writes in such a convincing way that it actually seems that a woman is writing her autobiography. Another is that even though the book is loaded with endless trials and tribulations, it still managed to amount into a charming, witty and inspiring book.

The heroine is Dolores Price. She’s 13, smart-alecky but emotionally scarred, having bid her childhood farewell. After the rape caused by the man she admired, she begins to slowly shut herself away from the world. Her distressed mother, too afraid to press charges, attempts to provide the temporary relief for her daughter, food. Thus beginning the gradual decline of Dolores Price.

Having never suffered from weight problems and having lived in countries with little obesity issues, I always thought of it as a lewd act of self-indulgence and I never understood how people could allow themselves to get so tremendous. This book played a major role in broadening my narrow-minded view of the over weight community. I realized there were more complicated issues behind obesity.

In the high school I am currently studying, there enrolls an obese student who is way too offensive and loud. I never really took to this student when I first met him. It seemed I was not alone in this matter because most of my peers were pretty cruel to him. Now this student would always laugh it off and retort with an equally cruel comment. Thinking it was all playful humor, I did not pay it any heed. Only after reading this novel did I realize that his larger than life personality was made by him to cover up the struggling hefty boy within. Thankfully I can say I befriended him and now stand up for him during the fierce class room brawls. As I regard it, I feel I owe him more for his friendship than he does for mine.

One does not need to be overweight, or even a woman for that matter, to relate to Dolores Price. No matter how infuriating and obnoxious she was portrayed, and how sometimes she was just plain depressing to observe, there was always a part of me that kept rooting for her. Her will was admirable, but her courage, remarkable.

[RonBee]

Let me take a shot at it.

Originally Posted by kamel

Im supposed to write a 1 page review of a book and how it effected me. Please check for any mistakes. Thanks in advance.

Book: She’s Come Undone

Having read a number of books in my time. Ranging from the provocative ‘Roots’ to the bittersweet award winning novel ‘Angela’s Ashes’, none have accomplished the goal of affecting me so much as ‘She’s Come Undone’. The tale is written in the first-person narrative and depicts the life of an ordinary girl placed under extraordinary circumstances and how she hides behind an overweight, confused and pessimistic persona.

Simplify! Say something like: "This book affected me deeply." (Not much) Use your own words.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by kamel

Many surprises are in store for the readers of this book. The main surprise being the authors sex. Many times I caught myself checking the back of the book in order to reread the authors name, as he writes in such a convincing way that it actually seems that a woman is writing her autobiography. Another is that even though the book is loaded with endless trials and tribulations, it still managed to amount into a charming, witty and inspiring book.

Try:

It seems like an autobiography and not fiction.

Simplify! (Too many words.) You want to come across as a person who read the book and has something to say about it.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by kamel

The heroine is Dolores Price. She’s 13, smart-alecky but emotionally scarred, having bid her childhood farewell. After the rape caused by the man she admired, she begins to slowly shut herself away from the world. Her distressed mother, too afraid to press charges, attempts to provide the temporary relief for her daughter, food. Thus beginning the gradual decline of Dolores Price.

The first two sentences are okay, but say:

After being raped by a man she had admired....

Say:

Thus begins....

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by kamel

Having never suffered from weight problems and having lived in countries with little obesity issues, I always thought of it as a lewd act of self-indulgence and I never understood how people could allow themselves to get so tremendous. This book played a major role in broadening my narrow-minded view of the over weight community. I realized there were more complicated issues behind obesity.

Change "having lived in countries with little obesity issues" to (perhaps) "having always lived in countries with little obesity...."

By "tremendous" do you mean "fat"? "Overwieght"?

Substitute "are" for "were" in the last sentence.

thanks alot. I'll do those changes immediatly

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by kamel

In the high school I am currently studying, there enrolls an obese student who is way too offensive and loud. I never really took to this student when I first met him. It seemed I was not alone in this matter because most of my peers were pretty cruel to him. Now this student would always laugh it off and retort with an equally cruel comment. Thinking it was all playful humor, I did not pay it any heed. Only after reading this novel did I realize that his larger than life personality was made by him to cover up the struggling hefty boy within. Thankfully I can say I befriended him and now stand up for him during the fierce class room brawls. As I regard it, I feel I owe him more for his friendship than he does for mine.

Say:

In the high school where I am currently studying there is enrolled an obese student who is way too offensive and loud.

(You are not studying a high school )

Say:

As I regard it, I feel I owe him more for his friendship than he owes me for mine.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by kamel

One does not need to be overweight, or even a woman for that matter, to relate to Dolores Price. No matter how infuriating and obnoxious she was portrayed, and how sometimes she was just plain depressing to observe, there was always a part of me that kept rooting for her. Her will was admirable, but her courage, remarkable.

Change the last sentence. Say:

Her will was admirable and her courage remarkable.

Good ending!

(You're welcome.)