[Essay] IELTS writing task 2. Please correct my essay!

[ngtuankhai]

I would be very grateful to those who check and correct my essay!

"Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.
Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as mush as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
(IELTS Cambridge 2. Page 28)

It appears that children are often more friendly to their mother than father, regardless of which country or which culture they come from. This could be the reason why many people nowadays raise their voice, disseminating that both parents should get involved in their children equally. I go along with this idea since this also happens widely in my country, where children are afraid to contact their father so often. In my opinion, raising a person is not only a mission of only mothers, but fathers should be concerned about this as well.

First of all, most children find their father unapproachable. This is probably because the head of the household, who goes to work in order to support their family, is usually father. It is a fact that lack of care from father could be very dangerous to children’s life. The situation would be more serious when both parents go to work.

However, forcing fathers to stay at home every day to spend more time looking after their children sounds impossible. Although women have had a right to go to work nowadays, we cannot deny the fact that men are more favoured to get a job than the other sex. Hence, fathers should be the persons who spend more time at work, in spite of the fact that this could lead to a heart-breaking scene that fathers and sons/daughters scarcely meet.

Therefore, although father’s role should be as important as mother’s, wives are always dearer to their children than husbands unless the gentlemen change their behaviour towards the children. Raising a person involves developing not only their body, but also their mind and spirit. Consequently, both parents should get involved. That is to say, mothers play a role in building up the body, while fathers foster children’s mind and spirit.

To sum up, rearing children is a collective responsibility of both fathers and mothers, no matter who decides to have babies. Moreover, although it would be better if fathers were more close to their children’s heart, this could be unlikely to happen since fathers are still often the persons ‘bringing home the bacon’. After all, daddies’ changing attitude towards children would be also a solution to this problem.

[yassin]

HI,

I am sorry i can not correct your essay because im not a teacher but a learner.

I would like to tell you that your essay was excellent at least for me, it was organized well, and it is obviouse enough.Therefore, you succeeded in making your point of view understood.

Concerning your opinion, i say that i bring my view to yours because really both mother and father ought to participate in rainsing their children. Besides, father is usually strict in dealing with his children whearas mother is very compassionate.So, the former/father/ supplies his children by logic instructions and the latter/ mother/ supplies her children by passion. I think this is found in human beeing by nature.

Yassin

[ngtuankhai]

Thank you for your comment! I am a newcomer in this forum.
Why didn't the teachers correct my essay?
In this essay I sometimes used fathers/mothers, sometimes father/mother (without 's'). I want to know which one should be used in an IELTS essay?

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by ngtuankhai

I would be very grateful to those who check and correct my essay!

"Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.
Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as mush as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
(IELTS Cambridge 2. Page 28)

It appears that children are often more friendly to (attached to; emotionally dependent on) their mother than their father, regardless of which country or which culture they come from. This could be the reason why many people nowadays raise their voice, disseminating claiming/asserting that both parents should get involved in their children equally. I go along with ('agree with' - 'go along with' may be too informal in an essay like this) this idea since this also happens widely in my country, where children are afraid to contact (interact with ?) their father so often. In my opinion, raising a person child is not only a mission of only (you don't need two 'onlys') mothers, but fathers should be concerned about this as well.
[Corrected to here]

First of all, most children find their father unapproachable. This is probably because the head of the household, who goes to work in order to support their family, is usually the father. It is a fact that lack of care from fathers could be very dangerous to children’s life. The situation would be more serious when both parents go to work.

However, forcing fathers to stay at home every day to spend more time looking after their children sounds impossible. Although women have had a right to go to work nowadays, we cannot deny the fact that men are more favoured to get a job than the other sex. Hence, fathers should be the persons who spend more time at work, in spite of the fact that this could lead to a heart-breaking scene that fathers and sons/daughters scarcely meet.

Therefore, although father’s role should be as important as mother’s, wives are always dearer to their children than husbands unless the gentlemen change their behaviour towards the children. Raising a person involves developing not only their body, but also their mind and spirit. Consequently, both parents should get involved. That is to say, mothers play a role in building up the body, while fathers foster children’s mind and spirit.

To sum up, rearing children is a collective responsibility of both fathers and mothers, no matter who decides to have babies. Moreover, although it would be better if fathers were more close to their children’s heart, this could be unlikely to happen since fathers are still often the persons ‘bringing home the bacon’. After all, dads'dies' changing attitude towards children would be also a solution to this problem.

Your variation in the use of singular and plural for 'mother' and 'father' is alright, as long as it's grammatically correct and fits the context - which it appears to.

[ngtuankhai]

Thank you Mr/Ms Raymott.
I have another question. In the sentence "In my opinion, raising a child is not only a mission of mothers, but fathers should be concerned about this as well.", did I make a parallelism mistake?

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by ngtuankhai

Thank you Mr/Ms Raymott.
I have another question. In the sentence "In my opinion, raising a child is not only a mission of mothers, but fathers should be concerned about this as well.", did I make a parallelism mistake?

No, but I'd write:
"In my opinion, raising a child is not only the responsibility of mothers, but fathers should be involved with this as well."

[ngtuankhai]

Thank you very much!

Could you tell the difference between 'involved with' and 'involved in'? And also, can 'innovative' and 'pioneering' be used interchangeably?

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by ngtuankhai

thank you very much!

Could you tell the difference between 'involved with' and 'involved in'?
they mean the same thing.

and also, can 'innovative' and 'pioneering' be used interchangeably?
Not always; therefore 'no'.

r.

[Sp_Achilles]

I also have a topic that quite similar to yours, may I have the professor correction? Here is the topic, strange one - but interest for discussing

"More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay at home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full-time. Agree or disagree?"

I will post my writing soon, thanks

[Sp_Achilles]

Nowadays, when people spend all day long in front of their laptop to keep on their career, there is still lots of parents manage their work so that they have time to take the best care for their children. I go along with them that parents should not work full time but share their time with children.

First of all, it is always better having a person look after the children than having no one care for them, especially this person is the father. When a baby was brought into the world, he received the love and the protection of his mother directly. The father also show the love to the child but ussually indirectly through the actions. When the baby grew up, he also need the teaching of the father. Therefore, the father should be the one who take care of his child while the mother do the business so that the child could receive the direct love of the father and the conprehension about issues around him.
In addition, a family should have a man to manage all the problems around the children. A home should have a person who can handle the housework as well as guiding his children to follow their studying. A father can be in charge of these task, he can not only do the housework, pay the electricity taxes, water taxes, cook but also teach his children from the basic lessons at school to more complicated lesson of the life. He can not only teach the children how to do calculations, how to write a paragraph but also teach them how to be strong, how to stand by his own feet and how to overcome the obstacles, the difficulties, the challenges without the feeling of giving up...
On the other hand, can you imagine a family without the love of both parents? Can you see the prospect of a wealthy household with spoiled children and the always-busy-parents who know nothing about their sons. I strongly object this type of family. Some people deemed that they can bring their children to the kindergarten or hired nannies to take care of them instead of doing this commission by themselves. But I'm not sure they can bring the best for their children without bringing their own love. they care about their children, they would not ensure a future for them while they still have to worry about their works, keep getting pressure from their careers.
In conclusion, children are the future of a family, even the future of a country, we need to take care of them to creat a better generations for the socialty, and in my opinion the father would be the best choice to be in charge of. "Like father, like son", the children can receive the best thing to grow up when they have their fathers look after them.